Post by dagginwagon on Sept 1, 2023 18:15:54 GMT
I’m struggling! I simply can’t understand a woman I love very much. Love? Care? I don’t know what level of emotion I’ve been allowed to feel for her. A lot of my relationship is mired in embarrassment. I was humiliated numerous times.
The red flags were all there. She had an 8 year “marriage” to her life partner. He was idealized up to the end, or at least that was never resolved. Nothing was resolved. Ever.
She told me she wanted nothing except “fun”. Repeatedly told me harsh stories of her sexual past. Gave me no reassurance, but wouldn’t give me trust because she saw me as someone who hadn’t earned trust. Frustrating. The issue? I worked so hard and FINALLY got some scraps of intimacy. And those scraps FEEL like gold. But they aren’t. Our sex and affection are so GOOD! But I have to create it. It was all on me.
So, a couple things that I would love some perspective on that I don’t read about often in literature.
Do DA’s believe they are secure? Her and I tried reading a book called “attachment”. When I took the quiz for her? She was Avoidant to the extreme. When she took it? She was Secure. Like really secure. I rest as both avoidant and anxious. So, that got held over my head! 😂😂😂
How can a person not SEE or be SHOWN that their behavior is affecting someone? How can one show a person, if you are so secure then why do you get so defensive? Is winning an argument and being right worth losing our amazing chemistry?!
So:
1. Is it common for DA’s or avoidant personalities in general to believe they are Secure?
2. Has anyone worked hard to create deep intimacy with an avoidant partner and, although an attachment response, their intimacy being reciprocated feels like a sex, closeness and chemistry I won’t be able to attain with a “normal” person.
3. Is unawareness really a nice way of saying narcissist? Cuz some of the stuff she does and says?! It’s brutal! And yet, she IS honest. At least with her actions.
And that is the twist. I am honest with emotions and bids for connection. I had lived my life under the pretenses that I had as not wanted more than what we had. But, I am not honest. She began to ask me if I was with any other women. I said “no” because we were on again off again so often. But, as a person who takes accountability for actions? I was screwing around because I was searching for an energy that could replace her.
I wanted to wait til the end of this cuz I really did want the questions above to be taken seriously. I really do care deeply for this woman. BUT, BUT…
I did wear down. I did seek out other women. I did try to break energy bonds with this woman. So, I do understand that she has her “proof” of why I am no good and can’t be trusted and thus the relationship must end (although after three weeks of no contact she texted me today).
It’s so confusing. I haven’t been living my life for a month. I think I’m close to acceptance, and then she texts me. I need some support/advice/help
The red flags were all there. She had an 8 year “marriage” to her life partner. He was idealized up to the end, or at least that was never resolved. Nothing was resolved. Ever.
She told me she wanted nothing except “fun”. Repeatedly told me harsh stories of her sexual past. Gave me no reassurance, but wouldn’t give me trust because she saw me as someone who hadn’t earned trust. Frustrating. The issue? I worked so hard and FINALLY got some scraps of intimacy. And those scraps FEEL like gold. But they aren’t. Our sex and affection are so GOOD! But I have to create it. It was all on me.
So, a couple things that I would love some perspective on that I don’t read about often in literature.
Do DA’s believe they are secure? Her and I tried reading a book called “attachment”. When I took the quiz for her? She was Avoidant to the extreme. When she took it? She was Secure. Like really secure. I rest as both avoidant and anxious. So, that got held over my head! 😂😂😂
How can a person not SEE or be SHOWN that their behavior is affecting someone? How can one show a person, if you are so secure then why do you get so defensive? Is winning an argument and being right worth losing our amazing chemistry?!
So:
1. Is it common for DA’s or avoidant personalities in general to believe they are Secure?
2. Has anyone worked hard to create deep intimacy with an avoidant partner and, although an attachment response, their intimacy being reciprocated feels like a sex, closeness and chemistry I won’t be able to attain with a “normal” person.
3. Is unawareness really a nice way of saying narcissist? Cuz some of the stuff she does and says?! It’s brutal! And yet, she IS honest. At least with her actions.
And that is the twist. I am honest with emotions and bids for connection. I had lived my life under the pretenses that I had as not wanted more than what we had. But, I am not honest. She began to ask me if I was with any other women. I said “no” because we were on again off again so often. But, as a person who takes accountability for actions? I was screwing around because I was searching for an energy that could replace her.
I wanted to wait til the end of this cuz I really did want the questions above to be taken seriously. I really do care deeply for this woman. BUT, BUT…
I did wear down. I did seek out other women. I did try to break energy bonds with this woman. So, I do understand that she has her “proof” of why I am no good and can’t be trusted and thus the relationship must end (although after three weeks of no contact she texted me today).
It’s so confusing. I haven’t been living my life for a month. I think I’m close to acceptance, and then she texts me. I need some support/advice/help