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Post by mysteryuser on Sept 17, 2023 1:13:36 GMT
I've been going on dates of late and been noticing something about myself I am starting to be quite bothered by. I am on the look out for traits that are compatible with my lifestyle, goals, and needs, so that I don't once again get caught up with someone I am clearly not compatible with. That said, the pain of my last break up was extremely hard to manage and I sometimes view healing as a means to never pick the 'wrong' partner again so I am never hurt/abandoned again, and this is a lot of pressure. I think healing for me has involved going slow, evaluating compatibility, paying attention to my feelings, and incorporating more secure thoughts and behavior. But because the underlying fear is slow to fade, I am unwilling to be with someone that even slightly misses the traits I'm looking for. I feel like I am putting way too much pressure on making sure the next relationship is "the one", and this is making me turn down people who could otherwise be good partners. On one hand, I think it's okay for me to want someone to have traits I value in a partner, but on the other hand I know the attachment to outcome is rooted in so much anxiety and could potentially lead to extremely anxious behavior if I do find "the one", because I'll have so much to lose.
How do I balance wanting to date intentionally, looking for traits compatible with my life and goals, as well as having an abundance mindset? I feel like I'm being overly picky, but also don't want to be with someone who is not right for me again.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 17, 2023 12:48:25 GMT
Being picky isn't a bad thing if it's creating incentive to quickly walk away from incompatible partners.
The trouble is either: when it's coming from a place of you desperately want to make the next relationship work because you just want something to work and then double down on forcing it, even if it's not really working. Or: if the values and checklist you're using are so long they exclude everyone, and you haven't prioritized the actual important traits you need and you're seeing things that don't really matter as dealbreakers.
If you're honest with yourself, are you doing either of those things? Or are you being a reasonable amount of picky, which I'd say means respecting your own boundaries in a healthy way (not ignoring real red flags and your own must-haves in an effort to overly-control the outcome to give yourself the illusion of managing your fears)?
There's always some risk in dating. You can't eliminate that, because it takes a minute to get to know someone. The best thing you can do is be confident in yourself and your own identity, because if you are, no one else can "abandon" you since you're not abandoning yourself. As you lean into that, you will naturally shift away from having a scarcity mentality because you are coming from a place of security within yourself instead of from fear. It's another aspect of healing that is gradual and takes some time.
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Post by mysteryuser on Sept 18, 2023 2:39:35 GMT
I thought about this a bit more. I am in a way doing the former. I'm definitely afraid of being hurt again, but I also feel a little more confident approaching things because I know I'll be okay because I have myself. That said, I'm keeping a distance in a way I have never really been used to keeping before. In a way it's reasonable (e.g., I'm not getting attached in 2 dates, not texting constantly, viewing them as people I've known for a couple weeks and nothing more), but for me it feels like I'm being avoidant because I'm not used to keeping this separation.
About being picky, I think the two biggest things I'm picky about is someone's career drive and looks. Of course there's also how reliable and reciprocal someone is -- and changing my behavior to only engaging with people who put in the effort and are direct is helping me pick better people in that direction. But when it comes to their career, given that I come from a career-driven Asian family and am doing quite well for myself and have certain goals for the future. In terms of their looks, it's really hard for me to overlook a few things that I know are completely unrelated to being a good partner. I know I also need to be attracted to them and I'm trying not to nitpick, but my history of going after / chasing very attractive men in the past is coming back to haunt me because I keep wanting that again. In a way, I'm not sure why I really care *that* much about looks - I don't look like a model by any means. It could be I want to prove my worth by attaining someone who looks very attractive, or maybe I'm just keeping myself from falling into something real that I might not even get from someone I've subconsciously deemed 'unattainable' due to their looks. I'll admit part of it is also caring about what others think of my partner (which I recognize is a boundary issue because their thoughts about my partner aren't reflective of my worth).
It's definitely a balancing act. I recently met someone a few times who seems lovely and I had a good time with him but we don't have much in common / I'm not physically attracted to him. He doesn't evoke any anxiety in me. On one hand I tell myself to keep going to see how it goes and see if I'm more attracted to him, but on the other hand I also don't need to be with the first (seemingly) secure person I find. I'm definitely taking my time, and part of it is fear of being hurt again and part of it is wanting to evaluate the person well -- and I'm often confused between the two. My therapist says I might know when I find the right person, but that feels like a movie plot to me!
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Post by introvert on Sept 18, 2023 15:00:30 GMT
The best way to meet your future goals is to be supported in the present, by someone who is available, loving, has the courage and capacity to address conflict, and who has your best interests at heart, as well as theirs. Superficial appearance is truly secondary to the traits that make someone able to add to your quality of life, rather than detract from it.
I used to he superficial in my criteria for a partner, and therefore was caught in a toxic cycle of feeding my ego, and my false sense of security in superficial things.
When I met my current partner, who embodies the crucial, meaningful traits above (as well as problematic traits, there is no perfect partner!), I was not physically attracted to him. That was a turning point in my thinking, I consciously chose him based on the safety that I felt with him (as opposed to the edgy electricity I felt with the Mr. Sexy Success's).
Physical attraction bloomed for me, watered by my own sense of making a loving, wise, mature decision for myself, and for him. The nice guy won, and it was sexy. I won! It is still sexy.
If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. You can find the handsome guy that is a professional powerhouse and he can lose everything in the blink of an eye, and what's left of him? The same is true for you. Prioritize character and emotional capacity and you might be surprised at what it is like to feel good in a relationship, for once.
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Post by mysteryuser on Sept 18, 2023 18:14:13 GMT
introvert I agree with a lot of what you said, but meeting a threshold of career and financial drive is a non-negotiable for me. I grew up poor and financial instability kept me on survival mode for the first 20 years of my life and led me to SSRIs at a very young age. I'm not looking for a millionaire by any means, but no amount of character or emotional capacity can compensate for the lack of a stable career and I'm not interested in letting my kids having to worry about whether their father can afford next year's rent increase or healthy food or a good education -- I've been that child and wouldn't wish that on anybody (and yes disability is an exception). I wouldn't call this a false sense of security, to me it is the very foundation of Maslow's hierarchy.
As for looks - I agree with you completely. But apart from vanity I know in my heart there's more to it - I feel the need to prove my worth by going for something I view as "too good for me" and it comes from self-worth that is still conditional. I think one reason for this post was I'm trying not to date for "potential", but that's leading me to wanting to "screen" people for values that may develop over time.
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Post by introvert on Sept 18, 2023 18:39:51 GMT
I didn't say anything about accepting poverty, and I agree that financial stability is important. Take what applies and leave the rest.  |
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