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Post by tnr9 on Dec 18, 2017 23:44:06 GMT
I truly do not understand the ups and downs (primarily downs it seems) that I am going through over my ex. It seems to be far worse then when I dated my ex Narcs because on the one hand, my ex comes across so normal....rereading our text message conversation...you would not think there was anything insecure about him. Yet....I know there are things that are wrong...other friends have tried to tell me about them. What is so interesting and a bit confusing is that I cannot hold any bad thoughts about my ex....once I am done talking to my friend...I am back to taking on all that went wrong in the relationship. My head actually hurts. At first I thought I was just a bit protective of the parts of him that have been wounded...but it seems like more than that. I am truly at a loss on what to do....but I cannot keep thinking this way because it is really hurting me.
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Post by yasmin on Dec 19, 2017 8:30:46 GMT
Maybe it helps to step away from the analysis and trying to understand. I simplify it to the logical facts rather than making myself crazy...
None of my good relationships that made me happy ever involved any element of rejection, confusion or anxiety. If the relationship involves those things...you're trying with the wrong person.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 13:10:59 GMT
Maybe it helps to step away from the analysis and trying to understand. I simplify it to the logical facts rather than making myself crazy... None of my good relationships that made me happy ever involved any element of rejection, confusion or anxiety. If the relationship involves those things...you're trying with the wrong person. Thank you Yasmin.....I have never had a relationship where I wasn't triggered...but i believe I have always been attracted to emotionally unavailable men of one flavor or another. My last ex was in many ways my best boyfriend...so it is easy for me to go back to the familiar pattern of analyzing what I did wrong. It keeps me stuck...but at the same time...there is a comforting aspect to it or I would not keep doing that. I am just going to sit in this....I know I will be ok....it will just take more time. |
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Post by Jaeger on Dec 19, 2017 14:29:33 GMT
I second Yasmin's post. It's natural to try and find an explanation for what's happened to you, but focusing all of you attention and energy on why your partner did what he did can reach unhealthy levels, plus, to my mind, it repeats and strengthens the AP behaviour that played a part in keeping the troubles going for this long.
The idea of them doing nothing wrong and all the blame being on you lets you maintain the illusion of control; if you do everything correctly next time, there will be no chance of being rejected. Apparently, you prefer convincing yourself of that message over the fact that people can reject you or be distant towards you without there being anything you can do to change it.
I think asking yourself why that's the case will lead to a lot more progress than why the avoidant did what they did.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 15:03:27 GMT
I second Yasmin's post. It's natural to try and find an explanation for what's happened to you, but focusing all of you attention and energy on why your partner did what he did can reach unhealthy levels, plus, to my mind, it repeats and strengthens the AP behaviour that played a part in keeping the troubles going for this long. The idea of them doing nothing wrong and all the blame being on you lets you maintain the illusion of control; if you do everything correctly next time, there will be no chance of being rejected. Apparently, you prefer convincing yourself of that message over the fact that people can reject you or be distant towards you without there being anything you can do to change it. I think asking yourself why that's the case will lead to a lot more progress than why the avoidant did what they did. I agree Jaegar that it is an ineffective means to try to have control over a situation. When I am not triggered, I see this clearly....when I am triggered..my thoughts go in a loop. I think I need to have more compassion for myself. None of this developed in a vacuum....and my standard response is to think that I should be better than this which simply perpetuates the lie that there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed...which leads me to spin into thoughts that it is all my fault. Today I am much better. A therapist told me that I need to remove all the labels from myself this year. He said those labels are not helpful as I use them to explain what I perceive as deficits rather than to understand myself. |
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Post by Jaeger on Dec 19, 2017 16:30:20 GMT
I can see where the 'labeling' could be counterproductive. You seem to use that to signify something that 'should be' or 'could be' which, again, I see as looking for a way to exercise control on the world (and in some cases people) around you, rather than seeing both the way they are.
It's hard to accept something the way it is when you only allow yourself to see what you think it should or could be. Recognizing and accepting the things which are inside and those which are beyond your own control seems like an effective way to lower some of the stress you seem to be experiencing.
I apologize if any of this sounds confrontational, but I get the feeling there's a risk of 'drowning' in the details and possibilities of the past and would like for you to not have to go through that.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 16:45:17 GMT
I can see where the 'labeling' could be counterproductive. You seem to use that to signify something that 'should be' or 'could be' which, again, I see as looking for a way to exercise control on the world (and in some cases people) around you, rather than seeing both the way they are. It's hard to accept something the way it is when you only allow yourself to see what you think it should or could be. Recognizing and accepting the things which are inside and those which are beyond your own control seems like an effective way to lower some of the stress you seem to be experiencing. I apologize if any of this sounds confrontational, but I get the feeling there's a risk of 'drowning' in the details and possibilities of the past and would like for you to not have to go through that. It is ok Jaeger...I appreciate your insight and today I am not triggered so what you say makes sense. There was a time when labeling things actually felt like it explained things that felt "unnameable" to me....which is definately a form of control. The problem for me is that I don't know whether I am seeing things accurately....we all have our own biases that can cloud our ability to see things from an objective perspective...mine just tends to make my ex perfect and me flawed...I am working on that. |
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 19, 2017 17:31:09 GMT
I'm with you tnr9, its so hard to not be able to have the answer that your heart can "settle" on.
I'm almost three months in from my break up and it gets easier with time, but the piece that stops me from spinning my mind is that I remind myself that I am not Anxious anymore.
The person I was while involved with my DA was not a happy person, except for those rare moments when he showed up and made me feel like a Goddess.
Since I stood up for myself on October 1st, the anxiety has gone away, totally. Thats all I need to remember about that relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 3:35:43 GMT
I'm with you tnr9, its so hard to not be able to have the answer that your heart can "settle" on. I'm almost three months in from my break up and it gets easier with time, but the piece that stops me from spinning my mind is that I remind myself that I am not Anxious anymore.
The person I was while involved with my DA was not a happy person, except for those rare moments when he showed up and made me feel like a Goddess.
Since I stood up for myself on October 1st, the anxiety has gone away, totally. Thats all I need to remember about that relationship. This is such a good way of putting it. it's sometimes so hard not to think about the good times and how good it felt - I just tell myself that it's a lie, a show, that my DA puts up just to keep me for a bit longer to serve his needs, but not mine. |
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