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Post by mysteryuser on Oct 7, 2023 20:36:27 GMT
I've been meeting people and dating of late - nothing beyond 2/3 dates yet because I haven't found someone I'm compatible with. That said, compared to the last time I was dating (before my last relationship and healing work), the people I've decided to go on dates with have been much better in terms of putting in an effort and not being inconsistent. If I sense inconsistency or avoidance, I stop engaging.
That said, I still do occasionally put some people on a pedestal. Recently I put someone I met through a mutual friend on a pedestal for a few weeks without even knowing him well, thinking about how smart/accomplished and attractive he is (without showing it externally), and soon found out how he is involved in a very unstable situation with somebody else -- thankfully that led to me completely losing interest, but I'm still figuring out why I put him on a pedestal at all, especially without knowing them well. Putting them on a pedestal means I feel like trying to impress them and prove my worth.
I've narrowed it down to a few reasons: - valuing traits that I may not have or are hard to develop/keep up for me (self-assuredness, for example)
- feeling like impressing people I view highly means I am also worth something
- the scarcity mindset of viewing some combination of traits as very rare, making these people seem a lot more important to me than they really are
This makes me feel I could do this even with people that are not avoidant leaning - it could be any attachment style really, but if I value certain traits I don't have but they do, I might put them on a pedestal.
This has been helpful in guiding me to work on developing certain traits so that seeing them in others doesn't leave me in awe of them. But I also struggle with the thought that this is a never-ending cycle. There will always be something I view highly - am I to keep developing these traits all my life?
And how do I get past the notion of some traits being 'rare' and so the second I find them in someone I must earn their love?
I'm trying to value myself as I am and try to adopt traits I value in others, through repetition, journaling and time, and am open to other suggestions on building confidence.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2023 14:50:55 GMT
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Post by cherrycola on Oct 8, 2023 19:49:34 GMT
I tend to do this with people who are "proper adults" to me. Not even in dating, but professionally as well. It's really hard to describe what makes someone a proper adult, just this weird gut feeling that they are somehow better than me and have it all figured out and I'm just a kid.
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Post by mysteryuser on Oct 9, 2023 1:32:20 GMT
I tend to do this with people who are "proper adults" to me. Not even in dating, but professionally as well. It's really hard to describe what makes someone a proper adult, just this weird gut feeling that they are somehow better than me and have it all figured out and I'm just a kid. It's similar for me. It seems like they are more "reliable" (even if they aren't emotionally) and exactly what I needed as a child. I know I need to show up for myself that way instead of looking elsewhere |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2023 4:52:52 GMT
I have the opportunity to speak on a deep level with several people a day in my profession, and over the years I realize that even the most put together people have that little kid inside to some extent. The difference is only a) how loud the kid is and b)if the adult even recognizes the presence of the kid. The kid is always there, try to remember that. There are no full grown adults on the planet, it's an illusion. We are all kids in big bodies. Prove me wrong, lol. I bet you can't! 😜
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Post by mysteryuser on Oct 9, 2023 14:26:42 GMT
I have the opportunity to speak on a deep level with several people a day in my profession, and over the years I realize that even the most put together people have that little kid inside to some extent. The difference is only a) how loud the kid is and b)if the adult even recognizes the presence of the kid. The kid is always there, try to remember that. There are no full grown adults on the planet, it's an illusion. We are all kids in big bodies. Prove me wrong, lol. I bet you can't! 😜 Yeah I totally agree. I think I've abandoned my inner child for so long it is hard for her to fully trust my adult self, so I'm looking elsewhere. The more trust I build with my inner child the easier it gets. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2023 17:30:45 GMT
I have the opportunity to speak on a deep level with several people a day in my profession, and over the years I realize that even the most put together people have that little kid inside to some extent. The difference is only a) how loud the kid is and b)if the adult even recognizes the presence of the kid. The kid is always there, try to remember that. There are no full grown adults on the planet, it's an illusion. We are all kids in big bodies. Prove me wrong, lol. I bet you can't! 😜 Yeah I totally agree. I think I've abandoned my inner child for so long it is hard for her to fully trust my adult self, so I'm looking elsewhere. The more trust I build with my inner child the easier it gets. That makes sense, I think I did the same thing to a degree, mostly by picking partnersthat were iterations of my parents. I did the avoidant thing mostly as that was my particular makeup and conditioning, but the wounded inner child of insecure attachment can definitely be reached and reparented. I worked for quite a while on that. I have tended to devalue rather than idealize other persons, but still coming from a place of fear (and artificially inflated self esteem). I was intimidated by those who seemed to have it together, and so found fault. It's all a mess, and a reflection of my inability to trust anyone (except myself). Awareness is a huge part of the solution, or was for me. Once I knew what I was doing I began to be able to catch the thought patterns. It took practice to be vulnerable and take chances with people, and it was eye opening to have that reciprocated... that's where empathy developed. So really, idealizing OR devaluing someone is a manifestation of a lack of empathy, both for them and for ourselves. Because we can't see people or ourselves as we are. We are all a mixed bag, with different strengths and weaknesses, clear vision and blind spots. We cut others off from our presence with our notions, and we erase their unique reality with our own narratives. What a complicated process. But it comes down to being aware and present in the moment and having the courage to face the unknown frontier of trying out new ways of relating. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 9, 2023 18:15:14 GMT
So really, idealizing OR devaluing someone is a manifestation of a lack of empathy, both for them and for ourselves. This is a really great way to put it! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2023 3:55:27 GMT
So really, idealizing OR devaluing someone is a manifestation of a lack of empathy, both for them and for ourselves. This is a really great way to put it! Yeah, I came to realize that the killer part of insecurity is that the whole focus is on the self, and insecures of all types are focused solely on their own feelings and wish for wellbeing. It totally obliterates the possibility of safety and being seen and accepted for *the other person*. A real eye opener. Others want to be seen for who they are too. Nobody wants to be the screen for the projections of others, good or bad. |
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Post by mysteryuser on Oct 11, 2023 16:20:04 GMT
This is a really great way to put it! Yeah, I came to realize that the killer part of insecurity is that the whole focus is on the self, and insecures of all types are focused solely on their own feelings and wish for wellbeing. It totally obliterates the possibility of safety and being seen and accepted for *the other person*. A real eye opener. Others want to be seen for who they are too. Nobody wants to be the screen for the projections of others, good or bad. I've been mulling over this a lot and you're absolutely right. Insecure thoughts aren't rooted in reality, and distort reality to fit with our preconceived notions (in my case, trust in others but not in myself). I think being aware helps for sure, and I'm also trying to get better at overcoming the instinct of immediately idealizing someone and trying to impress them by taking more space and time for myself and trying to be more 'objective' to change my behavior and ultimately my thoughts/feelings. Slowly building trust in myself is helping.
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Post by kaleidorain on Oct 22, 2023 0:59:12 GMT
I really liked to read this thread and especially focusing on how this putting ppl on a pedestal is a reflection of something from childhood, thought I still can't see clearly what is it in my case. Normally ppl is putting me on a pedestal openly telling me how good nice talented blabla I am and still I can put men I am in love with on a pedestal EVEN IF I see their flaws. I completely see them, I don't over idealise that specific man and still I feel they are unique and irreplaceable. When of course they have been replaced later. I am still struggling with my own insecurities with rejection and feeling humillated and I think this is a big part, especially what someone said about 'if they are great so thats the proof I am worth it ' like...I completely get crazy thinking that others could see me like the loser of the situation, and still I am the one who doesn't walk away, the one who insists, the one who is said no I can't meet you tonight, the one who always reaches out....why? Why it is so strong inside to be like this and why is for others so much easier to walk away and get bored.. How can one be at the same time terrified by the idea that Others sees you as a loser who is not loved, and meanwhile clearly being the one who chases? I have no idea but I am that person  |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 22, 2023 4:49:09 GMT
kaleidorain Some questions you can ask yourself to figure it out: During your childhood, did you have someone act in negative ways towards you but they were still a close relation so you needed to overlook their bad behavior in order to stay attached to them? For example, maybe you were told, you need to accept and make excuses for everyone if they are family, that's just the way it is? Or maybe there was someone who was more moody or emotional than you, so you were told to push aside your feelings and let them have their way? As enabling that person probably felt easier for other adults to cope with them than holding good boundaries. Finally, was there anyone who wasn't happy unless they "won" and were in control? Their mood was dependent on the reaction of others around them instead of only coming from within, and you got dragged into that? And perhaps even, they couldn't be happy unless they dragged someone else around them down first, and you needed to tolerate that? Any or all of these would have been learning to prioritize other people over you and can contribute to your sensitivity around fear of rejection and shame around feelings being uneven (if you care about something or someone more than the other person does) and/or to you idealizing people even when you know their flaws make them not treat you well.
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