Post by heretogrow on Nov 9, 2023 21:39:16 GMT
I’ve just come out of a 3 year relationship. We are both in our 40s, divorced with kids. For both of us, this was the first relationship we have had that really opened our eyes to ourselves and to what intimacy can be. We enjoyed amazing days of so much joy and connection, but we also always struggled with reactivity and poorly managed conflict. That was the constant story. We became aware of our own shortcomings, in terms of boundaries and interpersonal skills, and gained awareness into how our previous trauma is now haunting our relationships. He realized he struggles with codependency, low self esteem, expressing needs, and assertive communication. I realized I struggle with boundaries, gentle communication, and various AP issues. He knows he tests and behaves as FA (but he thinks its really the result of an over triggering match). I personally disagree, I think he is solidly FA and just lacking awareness and has limited long term relationship experience (though I do see that my AP behavior has been triggering to him). I’m AP and hell bent on earning secure. I’ve been working on it casually for a few years but I’m ready to really take the plunge and invest on focusing my efforts on my root issues. I bought the Dr. Brown book on adult attachment disruption. I’m going to follow the Ideal Parent protocol. I’m also leaning into Dialectical behavior therapy to improve my interpersonal skills, emotional regulation, and mindfulness. I’m doing hot yoga 3 times a week, which has really helped with mindfulness, breathing. and self soothing.
He broke up with me a month ago. I didn’t actually see it coming. I thought we had had conflicts and lack of skill that was totally within the range of being able to be improved. I felt optimistic about the relationship and improving our dynamic. We met several days after the impulsive break up to have a discussion, and he was steadfast. I said I would honor and respect his needs and wishes, even though it’s not what I would have wanted personally. He said that he and I need to grow in ways that we can’t do together, and that he has no room for any mistakes I might be making while I’m pursuing my growth edges right now. I asked if in the future if he might consider giving the relationship another chance, ( I know this is a stupid question, I asked because I thought it would be helpful if he said no, I could really let that sink in and move on more easily). Instead he replied that he has some optimism, but that he thinks the work we need to do is years, not months worth. Later when we were hugging he said that he wasn’t going to date anyone for a year, and I made a light hearted comment that maybe it would be me, and he replied maybe it would be. He said, you are probably going to jump right back into dating, I didn’t reply. I just finally said, I hope you do call. We looked at each other very warmly and said goodbye.
It’s been a month. I have no intention of contacting him. There’s been no contact and I don’t think there will be. I know that neither of us wants to suffer getting back together before enough work has been done by each of us to truly shift the dynamic. He said he will be working on his personal growth, and he is in fact very growth oriented—yet I’ve noticed that hours upon hours of books and mens groups and individual therapy has still resulted in him being extremely blaming and that he struggles greatly with accountability.
So…any words of advice for me? My plan is to not contact him ever. If he wants to give it another chance, clearly it needs to be him reaching out. I don’t think he would before at least a year has gone by, likely even more. 2 or 3 wouldn’t surprise me.
I’m going to try to focus entirely on myself and my own growth edges and correction of AP. I am not going to date for at least three months, but maybe longer. I’m thinking I should hold off entirely until I really have made huge gains with my AP, including having a low sense of urgency about having a partner. Realistically, I’m guessing that will take maybe more like 6 months to a year.
But what the hell do I do with that pesky hope in the back of my mind for a fresh start a year or more down the road with both of us having made significant progress? That part is really hard. Would you feel hope? Would you see other people inside 1 year? Would you just work on yourself and not date at all for maybe a year? So hard.
He broke up with me a month ago. I didn’t actually see it coming. I thought we had had conflicts and lack of skill that was totally within the range of being able to be improved. I felt optimistic about the relationship and improving our dynamic. We met several days after the impulsive break up to have a discussion, and he was steadfast. I said I would honor and respect his needs and wishes, even though it’s not what I would have wanted personally. He said that he and I need to grow in ways that we can’t do together, and that he has no room for any mistakes I might be making while I’m pursuing my growth edges right now. I asked if in the future if he might consider giving the relationship another chance, ( I know this is a stupid question, I asked because I thought it would be helpful if he said no, I could really let that sink in and move on more easily). Instead he replied that he has some optimism, but that he thinks the work we need to do is years, not months worth. Later when we were hugging he said that he wasn’t going to date anyone for a year, and I made a light hearted comment that maybe it would be me, and he replied maybe it would be. He said, you are probably going to jump right back into dating, I didn’t reply. I just finally said, I hope you do call. We looked at each other very warmly and said goodbye.
It’s been a month. I have no intention of contacting him. There’s been no contact and I don’t think there will be. I know that neither of us wants to suffer getting back together before enough work has been done by each of us to truly shift the dynamic. He said he will be working on his personal growth, and he is in fact very growth oriented—yet I’ve noticed that hours upon hours of books and mens groups and individual therapy has still resulted in him being extremely blaming and that he struggles greatly with accountability.
So…any words of advice for me? My plan is to not contact him ever. If he wants to give it another chance, clearly it needs to be him reaching out. I don’t think he would before at least a year has gone by, likely even more. 2 or 3 wouldn’t surprise me.
I’m going to try to focus entirely on myself and my own growth edges and correction of AP. I am not going to date for at least three months, but maybe longer. I’m thinking I should hold off entirely until I really have made huge gains with my AP, including having a low sense of urgency about having a partner. Realistically, I’m guessing that will take maybe more like 6 months to a year.
But what the hell do I do with that pesky hope in the back of my mind for a fresh start a year or more down the road with both of us having made significant progress? That part is really hard. Would you feel hope? Would you see other people inside 1 year? Would you just work on yourself and not date at all for maybe a year? So hard.