Post by smothychef on Nov 24, 2023 23:32:04 GMT
Me and my recent partner have been close friends for 8 years & emotionally and physically involved for now for 2 years plus. I realise this is not fair on our spouse’s and as bad as it sounds we thought our connection was way to great to pass by and finally decided to separate from our previous partners and give us a go. To clarify We both have children from previous relationships mine and older teenager and hers 3 & 7
Things all seemed so good at first. Even after telling our previous partners about our feelings for each other it seemed ok so I moved to my own place on my own and my gf moved into her own place with her younger children to keep a settled as possible environment for the kids.
But just as it seemed to get serious there was some commitment issues beginning to appear.
My partner was previously aware of her commitment issues and we even joked about it a little. I guess I brushed it aside as it never seemed too serious and our connection was just so good.
Since the house move and separations things got a little intense and with some realisation from my partner she decided to get help via therapy which I fully supported and was on board with. She has since been diagnosed with fearful/disorganisation attachment. I initially reacted to this by researching was FA was only to find textbook answers from all sources that matched perfectly with her recent behaviour
To get to the point my gf still has her ex in her life and rightly so for the children, he visits the house very often, puts the kids to bed and then hangs around, my gf seems happy and encourages this. I’m pretty sure I’m ok with this to a certain degree but feel it’s now happening for a longer timeframe than I’m comfortable with. They also go out for dinner as a family quite often which again I think I am ok with. But Recently (twice) now he has stayed overnight - once after a night drinking with thier old friends (she kissed him briefly that night and the next day told me about it and the fact she couldn’t go through with it) a bit like a test to make sure they weren’t still compatible. I unconditionally expressed my discomfort about him staying over to my gf the first time it happened and told her how it made me feel. As per guidance from my Fearful avoidance research..
The second night the ex stayed I felt it coming way before. There was one of the childrens birthdays coming up (my gf parents and in-laws we’re invited but not me of course)
As the birthday was imminently coming soon I preempted the family drinking together and that week (Monday) made it clear that if her ex was to stay overnight again that it would make me feel anxious, worried and uncomfortable.
On the evening of the birthday (Thursday) My gf realised my insecurities and checked in a few times during the celebrations which I appreciated and I wished her a nice time then feeling ok I went to sleep. but then a text or two come through much later than expected asking me if I was ok and woke me. I told her felt something now felt off inside me as she was texting into the next morning. I asked if the ex was still there and if he was I would prefer him not to stay overnight and she advised everyone was still there and if he was to stay it would be on the sofa. (At that point I believed people were still there and still do believe her)
Her the Ed’s dad who was at the birthday party lives over the road, and the ex’s mum (who was not at the party) lives 10 minutes taxi ride down the road.
The next day I was cool, kept myself busy, gave her space that morning until she asked to meet up, so I went to meet her. Within 5 minutes she asked me what was up? I have learnt that I should always be honest to a FA so I told her the truth about how it made me feel again and that it was disrespectful. She come back with it’s not that bigger deal, it was me that asked him to stay and said why are you pushing me away and making me dislike you again.
She then said she can’t do this anymore and it won’t be happening again as it was over.
I still want to support her and work through this and I desperately want those good times back we had for years prior to the commitment but I’m finding it difficult to get though to her. I actually do really believe her that nothing happened this time and that he stayed on the couch and I don’t feel jealous or have thoughts about them being intimate in the slightest. I guess I just want to be the guy that wakes up with her.
I understand the children need to be close to her ex I understand he has to be around for the kids and accept he should be in thier lives. I just don’t think I can ever deal with the overnight thing (I’m even talking myself into thinking it would be ok for him to stay at Christmas to wake up with the children) should I be doing this ?
I guess I just think she’s overstepped the line and is in denial about it. I don’t know what to do.
Am I being unreasonable? Is this situation fixable or it’s it just too messy?
I’d love to hear your thoughts as I think I’m cracking up inside and it’s starting to show outside
Things all seemed so good at first. Even after telling our previous partners about our feelings for each other it seemed ok so I moved to my own place on my own and my gf moved into her own place with her younger children to keep a settled as possible environment for the kids.
But just as it seemed to get serious there was some commitment issues beginning to appear.
My partner was previously aware of her commitment issues and we even joked about it a little. I guess I brushed it aside as it never seemed too serious and our connection was just so good.
Since the house move and separations things got a little intense and with some realisation from my partner she decided to get help via therapy which I fully supported and was on board with. She has since been diagnosed with fearful/disorganisation attachment. I initially reacted to this by researching was FA was only to find textbook answers from all sources that matched perfectly with her recent behaviour
To get to the point my gf still has her ex in her life and rightly so for the children, he visits the house very often, puts the kids to bed and then hangs around, my gf seems happy and encourages this. I’m pretty sure I’m ok with this to a certain degree but feel it’s now happening for a longer timeframe than I’m comfortable with. They also go out for dinner as a family quite often which again I think I am ok with. But Recently (twice) now he has stayed overnight - once after a night drinking with thier old friends (she kissed him briefly that night and the next day told me about it and the fact she couldn’t go through with it) a bit like a test to make sure they weren’t still compatible. I unconditionally expressed my discomfort about him staying over to my gf the first time it happened and told her how it made me feel. As per guidance from my Fearful avoidance research..
The second night the ex stayed I felt it coming way before. There was one of the childrens birthdays coming up (my gf parents and in-laws we’re invited but not me of course)
As the birthday was imminently coming soon I preempted the family drinking together and that week (Monday) made it clear that if her ex was to stay overnight again that it would make me feel anxious, worried and uncomfortable.
On the evening of the birthday (Thursday) My gf realised my insecurities and checked in a few times during the celebrations which I appreciated and I wished her a nice time then feeling ok I went to sleep. but then a text or two come through much later than expected asking me if I was ok and woke me. I told her felt something now felt off inside me as she was texting into the next morning. I asked if the ex was still there and if he was I would prefer him not to stay overnight and she advised everyone was still there and if he was to stay it would be on the sofa. (At that point I believed people were still there and still do believe her)
Her the Ed’s dad who was at the birthday party lives over the road, and the ex’s mum (who was not at the party) lives 10 minutes taxi ride down the road.
The next day I was cool, kept myself busy, gave her space that morning until she asked to meet up, so I went to meet her. Within 5 minutes she asked me what was up? I have learnt that I should always be honest to a FA so I told her the truth about how it made me feel again and that it was disrespectful. She come back with it’s not that bigger deal, it was me that asked him to stay and said why are you pushing me away and making me dislike you again.
She then said she can’t do this anymore and it won’t be happening again as it was over.
I still want to support her and work through this and I desperately want those good times back we had for years prior to the commitment but I’m finding it difficult to get though to her. I actually do really believe her that nothing happened this time and that he stayed on the couch and I don’t feel jealous or have thoughts about them being intimate in the slightest. I guess I just want to be the guy that wakes up with her.
I understand the children need to be close to her ex I understand he has to be around for the kids and accept he should be in thier lives. I just don’t think I can ever deal with the overnight thing (I’m even talking myself into thinking it would be ok for him to stay at Christmas to wake up with the children) should I be doing this ?
I guess I just think she’s overstepped the line and is in denial about it. I don’t know what to do.
Am I being unreasonable? Is this situation fixable or it’s it just too messy?
I’d love to hear your thoughts as I think I’m cracking up inside and it’s starting to show outside
