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Post by cherrycola on Jan 12, 2024 0:13:51 GMT
I know the shame too well. But from where I am standing, you are a kind, compassionate person who just wants your family to stay together and for him to feel loved and cared for. Now give some of that compassion back to yourself.
Maybe lookup how to grey rock someone so the next time he guilt trips you or tries to push your buttons you have some responses prepared. You could even roleplay in therapy exactly what you will say to him. I understand the feeling of wanting to be kind to him still, but then you can't do that at the expense of being kind to yourself.
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Post by anxa22 on Jan 12, 2024 0:35:18 GMT
mrob - This is the one thing we spoke about and the one thing we both agreed on. That we would not keep the children away from each other. And i have stuck to it. I guess my boundary of him not coming home here anymore is for me to give myself space away from him. To finally go no contact after nearly 2 years especially after I now know that he is serious about persuing another relationship. Is that fair? What do i do about him resorting to deactivating and distancing in times of uncertainty. He has expressed that he wants to move overseas. He does not know where but, he wants to? This is also why i feel so strongly that he does not think of the kids or their emotional needs.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 12, 2024 0:50:47 GMT
Try to reframe this away from shame and guilt, calling yourself an enabler and missing red flags, and instead try to look at it as you've been co-dependent in the past (as most people with anxious insecure attachment have) and now are ready to grow out of it. It's a much more compassionate approach towards yourself that will help you move forward rather than get stuck without emotionally processing where you're at.
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Post by mrob on Jan 12, 2024 1:18:44 GMT
Staying in your house, absolutely. It’s time for him to think up things to do outside the house that they might want to do. It’s also time for you to help facilitate that without the emotion.
Others here will say no, but in the long run, your kids see him outside the comfy house and you get space. Physical, mental and emotional space. Growth for everyone.
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 12, 2024 1:38:58 GMT
"What do i do about him resorting to deactivating and distancing in times of uncertainty. He has expressed that he wants to move overseas. He does not know where but, he wants to? This is also why i feel so strongly that he does not think of the kids or their emotional needs. " Unfortunately the answer is let him. You can't make him care. I would be curious how he would react if you just said okay, the kids will miss you and leave it at that. My hunch is it's more to get a rise out of you than anything. I'm with mrob here. Let him come up with activites for him and the kids to do outside your home. I feel him not coming into your space is a 100% valid boundary. Saying you can't come in the home but the kids can leave is not keeping them from him in any way. If they don't want to spend time with him then that is on him and the relationship he has built or in this case not built with them. He needs to face the consequences of his actions.
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Post by anxa22 on Jan 12, 2024 1:46:37 GMT
mrob - What do i do about him resorting to deactivating and distancing in times of uncertainty. He has expressed that he wants to move overseas. He does not know where but, he wants to? This is also why i feel so strongly that he does not think of the kids or their emotional needs. A huge part of me - does not want this to happen. But if it does - that's his choice.. Purely thinking of the children in all this. He also keeps telling me that he has no peace and wishes he could be at peace. To which i responded with - how can one have peace when they choose to walk the path of chaos. I often wonder if he ever thinks of everything and regrets any of it. Wishes there was a do-over? Is there not a thought of not being at stubborn and seeking therapy or help for yourself. He thinks i need a new therapist instead!
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Post by anxa22 on Jan 12, 2024 1:53:28 GMT
"What do i do about him resorting to deactivating and distancing in times of uncertainty. He has expressed that he wants to move overseas. He does not know where but, he wants to? This is also why i feel so strongly that he does not think of the kids or their emotional needs. " Unfortunately the answer is let him. You can't make him care. I would be curious how he would react if you just said okay, the kids will miss you and leave it at that. My hunch is it's more to get a rise out of you than anything. I'm with mrob here. Let him come up with activites for him and the kids to do outside your home. I feel him not coming into your space is a 100% valid boundary. Saying you can't come in the home but the kids can leave is not keeping them from him in any way. If they don't want to spend time with him then that is on him and the relationship he has built or in this case not built with them. He needs to face the consequences of his actions. This is exactly whats happened. And this is also why i have neglected what i need and given him what he needs. The children won't go anywhere with him - they first ask if mum's coming Its such an awful situation I have said that I think it's best for him to do what he wants to do. I no longer have a say in what he decides. Him leaving home without communication with me or willing to try and work things out were clear enough for me to know that he didn't value my input. But as hard as i am with him on the inside, I also have the most compassion, empathy, grace, gratitude and love for him as well. I am every so grateful for all of your input into this terrible time for me and our family.. listening to outside perspective makes me feel so much better knowing I am not being unfair.. and what i feel is VALID...THANK YOU!!!
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Post by mrob on Jan 12, 2024 2:29:54 GMT
What you’re feeling is valid, but I urge you to read that booklet I linked above. Your relationship to him has changed. For me, I’m so very grateful for my ex-wife for many things, that we were able to have the tough conversations early on, especially. She’s been the bigger person through all this. When I’m sure she’s wanted to stick needles in my eyes, she’s been decent and out our daughter to the front.
Mum isn’t going to always come. Mum has things to do as well. There are special things they can do with their Dad. The conversation is important. You and your ex must have a civil conversation. I’d seriously recommend setting up a meeting and going through the checklist.its thorough. You then both know where you are. You are business partners in the business of raising your children. A united front is imperative.
What you need to know is the stuff that involves the kids. Structure is really important. Anything other than that, not really.
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Post by anxa22 on Jan 12, 2024 2:40:25 GMT
What you’re feeling is valid, but I urge you to read that booklet I linked above. Your relationship to him has changed. For me, I’m so very grateful for my ex-wife for many things, that we were able to have the tough conversations early on, especially. She’s been the bigger person through all this. When I’m sure she’s wanted to stick needles in my eyes, she’s been decent and out our daughter to the front. Mum isn’t going to always come. Mum has things to do as well. There are special things they can do with their Dad. The conversation is important. You and your ex must have a civil conversation. I’d seriously recommend setting up a meeting and going through the checklist.its thorough. You then both know where you are. You are business partners in the business of raising your children. A united front is imperative. What you need to know is the stuff that involves the kids. Structure is really important. Anything other than that, not really. I will read it and work out a plan that suits all of us. Thank you very much.
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Post by anne12 on Jan 12, 2024 3:43:20 GMT
Is there any chance that your children have been trying to take sides / that they are loyal to you / do they silently care of their mother since you were the one who was left by their father ? And you are the one who is still single ?
Children can pick up a lot of things from their parents ..
Have they met their fathers new girlfriend ?
Children needs a lot of good adult friends in their life’s - which can also include their fathers new girlfriend.
(I have experienced all sides of this, also from the child’s perspective since my parents divorced when I was about 9/10 years old)
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Post by mrob on Jan 12, 2024 4:00:13 GMT
Is there any chance that your children have been trying to take sides / that they are loyal to you / do they silently care of their mother since you were the one who was left by their father ? And you are the one who is still single ? Children can pick up a lot of things from their parents .. Have they met their fathers new girlfriend ? Children needs a lot of good adult friends in their life’s - which can also include their fathers new girlfriend. (I have experienced all sides of this, also from the child’s perspective since my parents divorced when I was about 9/10 years old) Meeting new people is something that can be talked about in the plan. You don’t need to face that immediately.
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Post by anne12 on Jan 12, 2024 4:00:49 GMT
Why all this chaos ? One of the answers could be, because people with disorganized attatchmentstyle thrives in chaos and they often attract chaos
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Post by anxa22 on Jan 12, 2024 4:17:14 GMT
Is there any chance that your children have been trying to take sides / that they are loyal to you / do they silently care of their mother since you were the one who was left by their father ? And you are the one who is still single ? Children can pick up a lot of things from their parents .. Have they met their fathers new girlfriend ? Children needs a lot of good adult friends in their life’s - which can also include their fathers new girlfriend. (I have experienced all sides of this, also from the child’s perspective since my parents divorced when I was about 9/10 years old) I don't think I am in any way trying to keep them from him or influencing them to pick a side. To provide more context - my husband left the family home and a mere 3 months later left the country with friend (his new partner). The kids expressed that they felt like he didn't care about them when they found out he was away. And expressed that bad enough they felt terrible when he left and then this. And then last year - the same thing happened again. It was during the time of some important events involving the children. And they expressed hurt again and ofcourse when this happens again - i guess the same wound might open up. The kids are getting some help to deal with their emotions. I am fortunate that i also have a very big supportive family. So we are never alone.
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Post by anxa22 on Jan 12, 2024 4:19:17 GMT
Is there any chance that your children have been trying to take sides / that they are loyal to you / do they silently care of their mother since you were the one who was left by their father ? And you are the one who is still single ? Children can pick up a lot of things from their parents .. Have they met their fathers new girlfriend ? Children needs a lot of good adult friends in their life’s - which can also include their fathers new girlfriend. (I have experienced all sides of this, also from the child’s perspective since my parents divorced when I was about 9/10 years old) Meeting new people is something that can be talked about in the plan. You don’t need to face that immediately. I don't know if i am ready for this! Will i ever be?
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Post by anxa22 on Jan 12, 2024 4:22:28 GMT
Why all this chaos ? Because people with disorganized attatchmentstyle thrives in chaos. - for me there is always another way. Especially when we share kids. And in all of this - my anxious attachment was also activated. But, I still made the choice to seek therapy. For my children, for me and my relationship with my husband
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