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Post by anne12 on Jan 12, 2024 4:43:28 GMT
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Post by introvert on Jan 12, 2024 14:52:03 GMT
Separating and divorcing with children is an exercise in maturity, no doubt about it. It's humbling to see how far off track we can get in a relationship that's been driven by insecure attachment, and how the fallout can affect the kids.
However, once you're aware, you're accountable. Even if he isn't. This is when you rip the bandaid off, make decisions according to the best interests of the children, and double down on your own growth.
I'm sure it's been torture to be in that situation, its been confusing and painful. The truth is, unaddressed personal problems in parents can be absolutely devastating, for a long time. Its imperative to sober up, and override your emotional attachment to put a stop to what has become a poisoned environment.
This is not to cast blame. Sure, he's being selfish, its pretty gross. And you're clinging, it's a painful trap. But nobody wants to create and live in misery. It's what insecurity breeds, it's real and powerful. Conscious recognition of that fact may generate resolve in you that was unavailable when you were in the dark. It isn't easy, but the path ahead of you provides an opportunity to develop skills to provide emotional safety and stability to your life. It's an opportunity to create a better life out of the ruins.
I've had to walk through this mess before as well, I feel for you, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but here it is. You can do it.
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Post by anxa22 on Jan 13, 2024 7:38:01 GMT
Introvert, You message was the first that made me so teary. My body is slowly starting to recognise the signs of me letting go slowly. Thank you - your words of encouragement along with everyone else on this thread is so appreciated in the most difficult time for me. I also didn’t mention that my husband was my first love. So maybe it’s harder to let go. But - really do want to see what the other side looks like. ❤️🩹
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Post by anne12 on Jan 13, 2024 10:35:49 GMT
There are some lovely exercises and tips on how to help heal your broken heart incl some good SE regulating tools 💔 jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-heartYou can work with a broken heart in 3 levels - the cognetive level, the emotionel level and the instinktive level. It can be hard, if you didn't have the chance to repair, because you or your ex ended the relationship and disappeared / found someone else. It can be because that you expected to grow old together, but it ended, so you couldn't get your needs and wants met with this person. Also a broken heart from the past can show up (a broken heart from your relationship with your parents from when you were a child) ❤️ And you still have to see him because he is the father of your children, which makes it impossible to go no contact and remove him from your life. People with anxious preoccupied attatchment style often have a harder time of letting go
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Post by introvert on Jan 13, 2024 15:38:26 GMT
Introvert, You message was the first that made me so teary. My body is slowly starting to recognise the signs of me letting go slowly. Thank you - your words of encouragement along with everyone else on this thread is so appreciated in the most difficult time for me. I also didn’t mention that my husband was my first love. So maybe it’s harder to let go. But - really do want to see what the other side looks like. ❤️🩹 I'm glad you can find encouragement here. There's no shame in trying to hold on to your family, it's what women are wired to do, it's in our bones no matter the attachment style (unless there is a deeper issue like PD or mental illness). The problem is, if we grew up not feeling safe or loved, we choose the worst partners possible who recreate that trauma for us, have kids in an attempt to create a family the best we know how, and it falls apart in spite of how hard we try to make it right. For me, as an avoidant, I tried to tolerate and be stoic in the face of abuse because I thought I could handle it, but that's an illusion. I stuck it out for a couple reasons... survival fears and also I felt paralyzed, I lived in a tunnel. In other situations, it's the emotional attachment that drives the connection, as in your case. There's also fear of the unknown, and avoiding a sense of failure especially if you tend to compare yourself and your family to others who seem to have it all together. Then there's the fear of what the future looks like for the kids... its bad if you break, it's bad if you don't, it can be so painful and overwhelming. But there is absolutely hope, because we do have the capacity to heal, overcome, and find emotional safety and security. And so do our kids! I'm doing ok in my life in spite of being raised in a loveless home, ruled by PD's, mental illness, addiction, what have you. Total insecurity. I didn't know I was so impacted until it all blew up in my face and there I was, escaping abuse and taking on parenting all by myself with not much help at all. It was devastating to me. But me and my (now young adult) children are all doing ok... they are much better off than I was at their age and I credit my own journey towards mental and emotional health with that... because I was able to bring awareness where there was none, in my family history, and they have pursued health in their own lives. Finally, the teen years were rough!! Awareness is painful but it's the first step, and with that first step the entire path becomes accessible. So there's a lot to be thankful for even though you're just at the beginning. So many people live their entire lives lost in this maze and never get out, neither do their children. You can be the leader, bringing light to the shadows here. That's the beauty of being a mother, you can bring the life and the hope, we have that in us. We are not only our insecurities. We are mothers, and deep down there is a drive to nurture and protect. Sometimes that means nurturing ourselves, and protecting ourselves from continued harm brought by our miscalculations, prior ignorance, unintentional mistakes born of our failure to understand the way things really are. Healing is possible. That's really good news.
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Post by kirrok on Jan 13, 2024 20:03:32 GMT
I'd like to offer an observation that I hope might shift things for you somewhat. There are many questions you're asking yourself about this understandably difficult situation and set of experiences that have a "why?" embedded in them – either explicitly or implicitly. "Why does he…?" "Why can't we just…?" "Why do I…?" "Why can't we seem to…?" "Why am I feeling…?" "Why is he acting in a way that…?" "Why so much chaos?"
"Why" questions aren't inherently wrong, it's just that they have a tendency to promote resistance toward what is happening and lead us into analysis and opposition. "Why?" often fails to identify where our loving attention and compassionate action might next flow. Not only that, many of these whys are unanswerable, and either way, you likely don't have any agency over them or an ability to do anything about it.
Rather than "why?", try "what?" instead. "What?" helps us to get clear on what's happening in the here and now, and allows us to move toward what we're feeling in our body. It helps us get imaginative and creative about how we want to use what is happening in this moment to create what we want both now and in the future. "What am I feeling?" "What do I want to feel?" "What is important to me, and what do I value?" "What did I hope for?" "What might they need?" "What might I do next?" "What?" is more likely to give you access to your subconscious and your inner experience, and it's there that you have so much more agency over what might come next.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 13, 2024 23:17:25 GMT
I agree that "what" may be more helpful for grounding yourself into a mindset where you can be present in the reality of the here and now to figure out where to go next, instead of stuck in spinning your wheels of why. The one spot I disagree is "why do I... why am I feeling..." These are actually really important questions, because if you can't come up with the answer to why on your own side, there's a disconnect within yourself. Which means you've identified spaces to discuss with your therapist. When I personally couldn't answer "why am I feeling xyz?", it was entirely due to anxious insecure attachment issues within myself. I was detached from the very legitimate source of my feelings and understanding them because it's part of the defense mechanism of anxious insecure attachment. Instead of focusing on yourself and being present, you focus on everyone and everything else, because at some point earlier in your life, you were conditioned to believe putting the needs of others was more important than considering your own needs. That creates a lack of trust in self for the anxious attacher, and eventually the disconnect and detachment from self, your own needs, and your own feelings, because they've been dismissed by the people around you so you stuff them down until you lose touch with your own feelings and meanings behind your own actions. Sometimes, it's because the crux of anxious attachment is a fear of abandonment, and you're trying to push away that fear. So why as it pertains to HIM and to why can't WE, is futile. But why as it pertains to you and you alone (your feelings, your actions) is important, even if it will take you some time to get through the survival bit that needs to be the priority right now (doing what's best for the children and yourself) before you can circle back and understand yourself better.
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Post by introvert on Jan 14, 2024 15:39:50 GMT
This man is involved with two women (you as the comfortable ex with whom he co-parents) and a new romantic partner (whose feelings he doesn't care about) and he effectively controls both dynamics because THE WOMEN HE HAS MADE THESE ARRANGEMENTS WITH ALLOW IT.
His attitude is... "I'm doing what I want... what you want is really not my concern..." and so you both get to ride in the passenger seat on his toad trip away from commitment, emotional availability, healthy love. He gives each of you just enough attention to have you trying to make sense out of it, you're confused and that works for him, obviously. He knows you're confused... and changes not one iota of his behavior.
Does this not make you feel angry? Where is your indignance about the absolutely disrespectful, demeaning treatment he is dishing out to both of you women? Where is your anger? Did you know that anger is healthy when someone is manipulating you to use you for their own selfish ends? Taking what you have to give without a thought about giving you what you need in return? Using you? Playing you against another woman, and playing her against you?
Anger is a self protective response. How can you love him whole heartedly if you look deeply into his disregard for you, in your own home? How lovable is it that he sees you suffering and "doesn't know what to tell you"?. You're not Mother Theresa, and you don't have to be. Stop glowing him up, if you are caught in some romantic notion of him, question it. He's allowing a fantasy... he's helping you build a fantasy, knowing damn well he isn't going to make it a reality.
Some very good advice that someone once told me when you feel stuck and like you don't know what to do.... its simple but not easy. Here it is.
1). If there is something you are doing that you KNOW is not good for you, STOP IT. You KNOW. You do. Deep down you know. Stop immediately. That means, "This is not a healthy arrangement for me and causes pain and false hope so it ends today."
2). If there is something that you know you should do yo take good care of you and you aren't doing it, START DOING IT NOW. That means, whatever is important to you, you prioritize that and you DO IT. Say what you mean. Live according to your values. Make the hard choice, do the right thing by you, no matter what that thing is. Therapy, yes. Facilitate the children's relationship in a way NOT HARMFUL TO YOU, yes. Get him out of YOUR home, yes.
Stop what you know is wrong for you. START what you know is good for you. These acts of self love and discipline create a new story, live into it, one day at a time. It's not easy, but its a way to create a tangible shift away from the instability. The confusion is unnecessary. It's clear that he's not in it with you. It's a death and will need to be grieved. But stop laying down next to the corpse of this relationship, its stealing your own life away from you. I'm sorry. This kind of entanglement blinds you to hope, and blocks your progress toward what you Really want which is a mutual, emotionally safe, monogamous commitment that makes you feel loved and important. Mr. Skeleton can't give you that, let him go.
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Post by introvert on Jan 14, 2024 15:57:30 GMT
mrob - What do i do about him resorting to deactivating and distancing in times of uncertainty. He has expressed that he wants to move overseas. He does not know where but, he wants to? This is also why i feel so strongly that he does not think of the kids or their emotional needs. A huge part of me - does not want this to happen. But if it does - that's his choice.. Purely thinking of the children in all this. He also keeps telling me that he has no peace and wishes he could be at peace. To which i responded with - how can one have peace when they choose to walk the path of chaos. I often wonder if he ever thinks of everything and regrets any of it. Wishes there was a do-over? Is there not a thought of not being at stubborn and seeking therapy or help for yourself. He thinks i need a new therapist instead! Turn this all back to you... You have no peace and wish you could have peace... how can you have peace when you chose to walk the path of chaos? Knowing he is with another woman and keeping him as a placeholder in your emotional world is chaos and it's preventing you from having any peace. Do you ever think of everything and regret any of it? I know you do, and you are beating yourself up. Take the focus off of him, and his regrets. It seems impossible to be able to overcome your own regrets and seeing your own mistakes here... , to actually heal and grow and find peace, but that's your healing work to do, and it actually IS possible. To wonder about his regrets seems less painful than confronting your own and seeing your own process through. Stop doing it, focus on facing your own pain because that is how you will overcome it. Is there not a thought about being too stubborn? We all are stubborn, to our detriment. Attachment anxiety is as stubborn as attachment avoidance. It's SO stubborn. Again, turn the attention back to you and you will see how focusing on him keeps you swirling around and not getting any relief at all. All this said with compassion, not judgment.
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