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Post by lovebunny on Mar 14, 2024 15:00:55 GMT
Update. So the self-aware anxiously-attached guy is basically my boyfriend now, with talk about what a future together might look like. I even accidentally called him my boyfriend to his face, he didn't object lol. I took down my dating profiles, there was nobody I was talking to seriously anyway and I was sick of being on them. I feel lucky to have found one person who is a valid candidate for life partner and it seemed like a waste of time and energy to keep looking.
So the good news: He's still super sweet, no sign of aggression or misogyny or possessiveness. He just got a new hairdo that's more stylish, and I've been more physically attracted, wanting to hold his hand in public, play with his hair, etc.. He's looking into buying a place here, putting down roots. Honestly, him owning a home would make him more attractive to me, as spending time in the r.v. where he lives with his 2 big dogs is unpleasant, nothing against the dogs. He's shown me a bit more of his personality, and he's not as much of a debbie downer as I thought first impressions.
The bad: Sex/chemisty has gotten better, but still hit or miss. I'm comparing him to my last few r'ships, which were all great sex/chemistry even when the r'ships themselves were crap (plus I was pre-menopausal.) I saw ex-FA-bf the other day, I mean, I see him often, small island with one main road. Usually I turn away, but this time I actually LOOKED. At first, I gloated because he gained a lot of weight, then he turned and I saw the familiar back of his head and neck and I felt this rush of tenderness and lust...I hate that he still affects me like that after over a year of not being in the same room as him. I just don't have that kind of chemistry with new guy where I just want to eat him up. But of course, it's early yet, I can't remember if I felt this way with ex a couple months in or if it hit me later. I still find myself wishing new guy were more playful, more expressive, more humorous (his sense of humor doesn't make me laugh.)
The other thing, kind of neutral right now but interesting, instead of the push-pull of FA/AA we both have to be careful of not spending all our time together. Right now, it doesn't feel like anyone's chasing or running. At the moment, our very different work schedules work against us, but we're up to spending 3 nights a week together, which might be a lot for only dating a couple months. Of course, I've dated lesbians, you know the joke, "what does a lesbian bring on a second date?...A UHAUL!" Anyway, we're trying not to be that couple despite the fact that we both have lots of feminine & anxiously preoccupied energy.
So far my instincts tell me to lean in rather than run away, but my instincts are not historically good, so I'm sort of actively trying to stay right here without moving things forward quickly, or without freaking out and backtracking whenever he seems not quite perfect.
I'd say so far dating without the initial spark is not terrible, but it's also hard not to miss that "something missing." Luckily, we've gotten a little sparkier, I'm hoping that continues to grow.
I should mention I've noticed, I mean I knew..but...I'm so much happier when I'm in a r'ship that's going well than when I'm single. It's like finally, my skin hunger is gone & I can relax.
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 19, 2024 20:36:39 GMT
I'm happy to say the new bf has started to be very "hot" in my eyes, & he does not do it by being inconsistent or unavailable. He's let me kind of gently "queer eye for the straight guy" him, I swear he looks like a different dude from the scruffy, awkward guy who hadn't been with a woman in 3 years. He looks fantastic, well groomed, takes his cealis, smiles more, walks around with more confidence. Now I'm all, "Hello, tall dark and handsome!" He's saying now women are hitting on him everywhere he goes, lol, I may have shot myself in the foot here.
I told him at one point, "You could get a lot of women here! Young, hot ones! Single straight men who have jobs do well here with women!" He very sweetly looked at me and said. "I think I'm doing just fine, thank you." Aw!!!
We spend maybe 3 nights together a week, often throwing in an afternoon hang once or twice a week. I'm starting to see how nice it feels to have love and attention and sex from someone without all the anxiety of feeling like you're constantly chasing for more. Also, I should mentioned I started HRT a couple weeks ago, so that might be helping my love mood too.
I have started to catch feelings, and I'm glad it's with a nice guy!
I still think about my charismatic, FA ex too much. Yesterday I came upon a video with him in it I'd forgotten about & I guess I felt like playing with fire, because I watched it. It was a moment where he looked at me with so much love in his eyes, a big smile. I loved him so much at that moment, and watching it again, I felt my knees go out from under me. That man was just my type looks-wise, & when he gave me that look, I just died. But don't worry. Never gonna touch that. Sticking with tall, dark, handsome who actually wants to be with me, trying to build something real this time.
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Post by introvert on Apr 23, 2024 20:08:12 GMT
I'm curious, what do you like about this man, I mean fundamentally who he is? Is there anything you admire? Do you like him, actually? Or do you just like how he makes you feel? It may sound crazy to ask you that, but you've been pretty critical of his personality, his sense of humor, his looks until you spruced him up. I'm just surprised I guess, and curious. No need to divulge more if you don't want to though!
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 23, 2024 21:57:02 GMT
Hmmm, that's a great questions. He does make me feel really good, I can't deny that.
Honestly, he's been kind of hard to get to know. Not because he's secretive or dishonest, I think. But he's developed this good-natured, go-with-the-flow, I-contain-multitudes, "grey stone" personality to deal with his abusive childhood home, and I bump up against it sometimes when I'm trying to nail down what he thinks or feels about things.
And because he has been in sort of a transitional period of his life the whole 6 months or whatever that I've known him, I feel as if I haven't yet been able to see him fully "in his element." Like, I have yet to see him experience what they call FLOW and I would love to see that.
But as we get more comfy with each other, I'm seeing he's funnier than I gave him credit for at first, & he wants to be playful, just maybe hasn't had much opportunity to be in his life. And I like that he is smart & aware of what's going on in the world. I admire that he's brave in his life choices, & has follow through. His words and actions match.
My favorite thing about him is that he's such a big, strong man yet so kind and gentle. The first moment he got very sexy to me: We were out walking his big rescue dogs, & we were approached by a loose rottwieler. I was terrified I was about to get caught in the middle of a vicious dogfight. He maintained this calm, assertive energy that kept me, his dogs, & the rottie all good. He was actually able to wrangle the loose dog into a spare leashe & walk it back to it's house. I loved how concerned he was about the rottie running into trouble.
I *think* I've got it right that he's a man who moves through the world without offering it any violence. This is very attractive to me. He does not act entitled, or above anyone, the opposite of a narcissist.
There are things I dislike about him too, but I thought that was normal, and so far nothing that's a dealbreaker.
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Post by introvert on Apr 24, 2024 15:53:48 GMT
Hmmm, that's a great questions. He does make me feel really good, I can't deny that. Honestly, he's been kind of hard to get to know. Not because he's secretive or dishonest, I think. But he's developed this good-natured, go-with-the-flow, I-contain-multitudes, "grey stone" personality to deal with his abusive childhood home, and I bump up against it sometimes when I'm trying to nail down what he thinks or feels about things. And because he has been in sort of a transitional period of his life the whole 6 months or whatever that I've known him, I feel as if I haven't yet been able to see him fully "in his element." Like, I have yet to see him experience what they call FLOW and I would love to see that. But as we get more comfy with each other, I'm seeing he's funnier than I gave him credit for at first, & he wants to be playful, just maybe hasn't had much opportunity to be in his life. And I like that he is smart & aware of what's going on in the world. I admire that he's brave in his life choices, & has follow through. His words and actions match. My favorite thing about him is that he's such a big, strong man yet so kind and gentle. The first moment he got very sexy to me: We were out walking his big rescue dogs, & we were approached by a loose rottwieler. I was terrified I was about to get caught in the middle of a vicious dogfight. He maintained this calm, assertive energy that kept me, his dogs, & the rottie all good. He was actually able to wrangle the loose dog into a spare leashe & walk it back to it's house. I loved how concerned he was about the rottie running into trouble. I *think* I've got it right that he's a man who moves through the world without offering it any violence. This is very attractive to me. He does not act entitled, or above anyone, the opposite of a narcissist. There are things I dislike about him too, but I thought that was normal, and so far nothing that's a dealbreaker. He sounds nice! Yeah, there is definitely room for dislike, but honestly that's all I really understood in your initial posts. I didn't recall reading anything that you actually felt good about in him, it was a lot of negativity except that he was into you and you liked the attention. So I was curious about that, but now I understand that you actually enjoy him as a person for who he is.
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 24, 2024 17:40:53 GMT
Yeah, the more I think about it, I realize that whenever I first start seeing someone, even people who ended up being loves of my life, I always have times early in the dating process/relationship where I find them utterly repulsive and figure I'm never gonna love them. Their imperfections seem glaring, no one is good enough. I said negative things to my friends about my exbf when we first got together, even though I thought he was so cute on our first couple dates. I certainly wasn't into my exhusband at first, or any of the women I ended up in relationships with. It's f*****g weird.
I've been with him 3 months now, we're about to take our first day trip together next weekend, I think I'll learn a lot.
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 25, 2024 0:39:16 GMT
That actually sounds like a very FA "strategy" to me, depending in which direction you lean. In our mind we put everyone down a notch, find all their flaws etc. Then it feels safer to like them and if they walk away meh I didn't like them all that much anyways!
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 25, 2024 20:16:52 GMT
I more and think think I'm disorganized instead of straight up anxious attachment, so that makes sense.
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Post by introvert on Apr 25, 2024 20:34:37 GMT
I more and think think I'm disorganized instead of straight up anxious attachment, so that makes sense. Yeah I think anxious would more likely be idolizing, romanticizing, doing the thing of exaggerating positives. I definitely relate to finding flaws which in more avoidant times of mine ended up being reasons to not accept a date. I wasn't attracted physically to my partner of the last 4 years initially but I did find him appealing in other ways, notably his ability to be nice to me, lol..and to say a resounding yes to life. Hes good a finding adventure and enjoyment as opposed to me staying in my quiet groove saying No to anything that required too much of me, or took me out of my comfort zone. Plus a shared passion for my special interests, and the dedication and drive that I relate to when it comes to mastering a chosen pursuit. The physical attraction appeared when I made a conscious choice to choose substance over a physical type. Go figure. I wasted so much time on "type", but finally learned a thing or two...
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 25, 2024 22:10:31 GMT
I more and think think I'm disorganized instead of straight up anxious attachment, so that makes sense. Yeah I think anxious would more likely be idolizing, romanticizing, doing the thing of exaggerating positives. I definitely relate to finding flaws which in more avoidant times of mine ended up being reasons to not accept a date. I wasn't attracted physically to my partner of the last 4 years initially but I did find him appealing in other ways, notably his ability to be nice to me, lol..and to say a resounding yes to life. Hes good a finding adventure and enjoyment as opposed to me staying in my quiet groove saying No to anything that required too much of me, or took me out of my comfort zone. Plus a shared passion for my special interests, and the dedication and drive that I relate to when it comes to mastering a chosen pursuit. The physical attraction appeared when I made a conscious choice to choose substance over a physical type. Go figure. I wasted so much time on "type", but finally learned a thing or two... I think it depends a bit on the partner too…because with anxious types, I am definitely more critical at first…but with avoidant types…I definitely idolize and pedestal. Perhaps I am a bit more on the anxious scale when it has come to partner picking.🤔🤔
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