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Post by lovebunny on Feb 20, 2024 23:03:10 GMT
Matched with a guy last fall, we went out a couple times, ticked a lot of my boxes, but he was new in town, not in a sustainable living/work situation, I thought he might not stay. Also, he was just starting to date after a 3 year hiatus, and it showed...He was kind of unkempt, not flirty, not showing me much personality. There was a definite lack of "spark" on my end. I also think I wasn't ready to get into a relationship yet, I was starting to look forward to being able to say I've been single a year. I told him I wasn't interested in continuing to date him, and he was absolutely lovely about it.
We continued to interact on social media over the next few months. I saw him clean up his look, upgrade his work/living situation, I saw how nicely he spoke (or typed) to people, how well he cared for his rescue dogs. Meanwhile, I went away to surf camp, started a pub trivia team, went on a couple dates, lived life. I passed my one year single mark. I started feeling it's time to let someone in, for real, no more looking for someone just like my ex (minus the FA.) I found my thoughts kept returning to this guy who had seemed serious about getting to know me, didn't seem to be just after sex. So I contacted him and he was still keen to hang out with me, we've been seeing each other once or twice a week since. We haven't had the "DTR" talk but it's coming.
I knew I might find it boring to date a guy who actually wants to be with me. I was soooo gaga about my awful ex, it's hard not to wish I could get that high but with someone emotionally available, and it's challenging to untangle love from attachment wounding from addiction. Post-menopause, I'm feeling less oxytoxin, less bonded. Will I flip fearful? So far, neither wild attraction nor complete repulsion has happened. I like spending time with new guy, but don't want him around all the time. He treats me very well, consistently. We don't have fireworks in the bedroom if I'm being honest, but we're working on that. He's a lot less experienced than the people I'm usually with. But it's nice he's not tryna bang other women.
The person he reminds me most of in my romantic history, if I'm looking at patterns, is my ex husband. I certainly never "sparked" with exhb, it was more like we were great friends and he felt safe to me after coming out of a bunch of disastrous open/poly situations and I just wanted to settle down with someone who I thought would treat me well....which is also where I'm at right now. It was not my most passionate r'ship, not even close, but it was my longest (16 years.) New guy shares my exhb's brooding personality, self-deprecating humor (neither of these are things I like) and has an even worse history of parental abuse. Unlike my exhb, new guy does NOT seem to have any addictions, and he actually tries to treat his depression/trauma through self-work though various therapies, philosophies, etc.. I know it's early, but so far I haven't seen a whisper of a bad temper or ill will. He isn't exploitative or manipulative, as far as I can see.
I should mention he know about attachment theory, says he's AP too, but he's never flipped FA like me. He also says he "knows how to keep it under control."
I'm still keeping options open technically, as in still going out places, still have profiles up, but there's no one else on my radar.
I don't pretend to think I'm "earned secure," I know at times, in certain r'ships, I have been secure. I understand, somewhat, how it feels to NOT have cortisol overwhelm my system at the thought of my lover. I understand lack of "spark" can feel like lack of attraction. I don't think I'm asking for any specific advice here, but others are writing about dating on the forum, and I know it helps me to read your/their thought processes in trying to choose well. So I thought I'd add my personal struggle, dating sans spark. Kind of wishing I felt a little something...more, but knowing it's probably safer not to.
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 21, 2024 2:39:16 GMT
First off, congratulations. Me making a friend and then after we have trust, becoming romantic feels ideal for me, but so far has not worked out that way.
I wish I had more to offer you than that. I think it might help to focus on those warm fuzzy feelings inside. Notice the connection? Notice the way he turns towards you and how that feels. How it feels to have someone be responsive and attuned to you more often than not?
I like you had my one long term thing where there was no spark anymore. It was really hard for me to deal with. I was recently told if you feel restless, and sit still and tolerate it, you are healing. Don't try to run from those uncomfortable feelings. So yeah... sorry that's all the advice I have to offer. One day at a time.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 21, 2024 4:03:51 GMT
I find the “flipping FA” comment interesting. I thought I was AP for the longest time…decades really….because I was always attracted to avoidant men. FA only really reared its head when I was trying to understand why I had such fear (and I mean practically feral) regarding my faith. It was here that I learned that I was FA leaning anxious and not a true AP. When in pursuit=anxious, when pursued=avoidant.
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Post by introvert on Feb 21, 2024 13:14:01 GMT
Man, I'll take comfortable and cozy over spark any day. Sparks light fires and fires burn things, lol. There's something so nice about not being pushed and pulled by intensity.
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 21, 2024 16:04:47 GMT
I worry this dynamic is too far in the opposite direction of push-pull intensity. No eroticism.
At this moment, I have no desire to commit to him, and that's where it's heading if I don't stop it. I can see, objectively, things about him that are attractive: his kindness, his smarts, big strong arms and hands, baritone voice...but the attraction doesn't reach my body. We have problems in the bedroom. I tell myself this is fixable over time, not the most important thing. Maybe I can coax him into a more confident, masculine energy, maybe I just keep teaching him I want to be touched this way, not that way--though I feel like I too often have to repeat myself and he's not getting it. Maybe I just need to open up more, or give more or relax more...Or maybe we just aren't sexually compatible and it's good we figured that out early.
Last night, we were in a restaurant with a mirrored wall. I'm watching him speak, and I notice how when he talks about things he's not enthusiastic about, he makes this facial expression as if he's eating something bad. It makes him look unattractive to me. I think to myself, "I gotta get out of this. I will never love this guy." But then I turn and see him in the mirror, and I can see with a little distance that he's a good-looking man and I'm just picking him apart, and I tune back into whatever he's talking about and it passes. I remember that even when I have loved someone, I never loved them every second, at moments even my most passionate loves looked ugly to me.
There was a trick I used to do with exhusband when I wasn't feeling loving. I just act as if. I'd stroke his arm, compliment him. So next time this guy started with the sour face, I asked him about something he IS enthusiastic about so he'd lose the expression.
Without meaning to, I compare his stiff, self-effacing demeanor to my golden-retriever-energy exbf, who I loved being around (before he became soul-crushing.) This guy is not particularly...fun. Of course, he grew up in an environment where he was not allowed to express joy or enthusiasm. But it can be a little dampening to be around someone so contained.
So far, he doesn't challenge me to do new things or think in new ways. So far, he orbits around me, I just have to show up. I've asked him to try to be less passive, as I find always making the decisions tiring. I suspect I'll be more invested if I have to put in more effort. But this doesn't come naturally to him. His childhood made him a people-pleaser.
It has been nice to have someone's complete attention, he is very sweet and solid and he's a great cuddler and so wonderfully nonjudgmental. We have similar values and want similar things in a r'ship. And for whatever reason, he seems to really like me. But at some point, if I can't get more excited about him, if I don't "catch feelings," I have to cut him loose, and that's going to suck.
I think we'll have the whole next week apart while he starts a new work schedule, it's probably a good thing if I miss him a little. I'm worried I like the idea of being with this guy more than I like actually being with this guy.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 21, 2024 16:26:12 GMT
Can’t you do something fun, dangerous together psychologyconcepts.com/dutton-and-aron-suspension-bridge-experiment/When you become more securely attached and do not feel particularly attracted when you meet the opposite sex, then know that you can build energy and spark up anyway by using the dance between the feminine and the masculine. Via tantric principles and techniques, you can slowly build up the energy between you Are you using the yin / yang breath when having sex ? - breathing (yin brehathing - breathe all the way down to your sex/your pelvic floor / yang breathing - breathe from your sex up into your heart) - (when having sex you can use the yin breath as a woman and the man can use the yang breath as a man). Notise your energy field after the breathing exercise jebkinnisonforum.com/post/48677/So you have asked him to try to be less passive 😳 - What did you say / how did you say it ? Do you know the feminine way to invite him to get into his masculine and take more initiative? How to become more feminine and inviting him to become more masculine without telling him what to do. Being a woman is not just being feminine but it is also nessesery to be in contact with your inner Divine feminine woman. Often women haven't learned how to be this, from their own mother. She sit in the primal part of the brain. (Reptile brain and the limbic brain). It has also something to do with erotic energy. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36635/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36729/More about the feminine/ masculine jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38441/He can also try to work with his masculine energy as a man if he wants to How to create polarity- jebkinnisonforum.com/post/32833/ |
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Post by anne12 on Feb 21, 2024 17:37:54 GMT
Are you trying to find fault with this guy ?
Do You have a "Find at least 5 faults radar" ?
Just as singles can have this automatic fault finding radar, it is extremely common in relationships including couples. It stems from the ambivalent attachment pattern, where one easily sees faults and shortcomings. As an unconscious way to protect oneself from losing love. Even if it just makes you push love away! The logic is that when you push love away, you can't lose it - and so it doesn't hurt (so much) if the relationship ends.
Ask yourself: How important is it to the relationship that this mistake or shortcoming can’t / can be "fixed"? - and is it a protection strategy right here?
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Post by anne12 on Feb 21, 2024 17:57:30 GMT
Should you as a woman have to “guide” a man when having sex / and how to do it / how to talk about sex / riding the wave tips ect. Which is harder for you: talking about sex or having sex - do you know ? A tip from a female sexologist is when you have to talk to your partner about sex, so that he dosent feel criticised: Is to Remember to have the conversation OUTSIDE of the bedroom. She called the technique preframing. She gave this suggestion on how to say it: ”I have something important I would like to talk to you about. I will ask you to listen to what I say without interrupting. I say this, because I want us to develop our sexlife together. If you are getting triggered by what I am saying, please raise your hand, and I will pause and I will try to explain it in another way instead.” “How do I ask for what I want: Outside sex, where you are outside the bedroom: - I would like you to spend more time penetrating me, I would like more sensitve touch, ..... When we are in the sexual act: You feel how a touch feels on my body - use small short sentences: - "harder thanks, a little gentler thanks, a little to the left thanks, slower thanks..." Every time you have sex, decide to ask for something. Ask for something simple. Men chasing orgasm: Men can have an eagerness, when they are having sex. This can seem overwhelming to some women. 'Imagine sitting on a wild horse and imagine that you are pulling the reins by saying: "A little slower thank you. I'm sensitive, and I like it slower" If we as women compromise too often, if we have got a different sexuality, we will become dissatisfied. It's like always being invited out to eat sushi, when you'd rather have a steak. It is not men who give us the orgasm. (even if a lot of men - and women thinks so) but It's just a premise in the culture that we live in.” Examin yourself as a sexual being (from a love, attatchment, se, love vita coach) An interesting questing is also to ask yourself and your partner - Which is harder: talking about sex or having sex jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46164/Is it fair to compare having sex with the guy you were dating before you got into menopause and the guy you are having sex with now ? You wrote somewhere that you have changed, right ? That you do not get bonded the way you did before menopause, because of the lack of oxytocin ? And that it takes longer time for you to get an orgasm ? Do you know your own sexuality and body well after you have gone into menopause? Maybe he as a man has also changed ? Changes in the level of testosterone ect. (Unless he is 25 years old ?) The female sexologist also said this: Menopause: - it affects women differently. - you can ask for hormones from your doctor - you can use jade eggs which massage our vagina, so our vaginal wall becomes thicker and we produce more secretion. - Book: behind the red door, by Tanja Eskildsen What do you do when you lose the feeling during sex: - what kind of feeling is lost - how does it feel - it is normal to lose the feeling during sex once in a while - it feels like waves in the ocean when we are having sex - like a surfer lying on his surfboard in the ocean waiting for the next wave to come. He knows a wave is coming. But he does not know if it is a small wave or a larger wave that is coming or there is a huge wave coming. The trick is to enjoy the breaks/the pauses. Most people would like to be in higharousel when having sex. The breaks/the pauses are just another frequency. It gives us different sensations, than if we are on top of the wave. You can learn to surf the wave with a sexologist or at a yoni workshop. The trick is to embrace all types of waves. Men can learn to ride the wave too with you. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/32930/ - polarity The more masculine one is and the more feminine the other is, the more physical attraction in the relationship. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3376/women-sexuality-blueprinthttpsjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3377/men-sexuality-blueprint-energyhttpsBoth men and woman can benefit from having a sex, love vita coaching session |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 21, 2024 19:43:45 GMT
There's no spark when AP pair off because you don't trigger each other's longing or fear of abandonment. That's why unaware AP don't tend to date each other. I think you're doing a good job recognizing that you don't feel always in it and attracted to your partners and it's something for you to figure out and isn't actually about him. But as you've basically already written, you'll need to figure out if you are okay with this relationship dynamic assuming that even as you build a connection together, your desire to be in a relationship with him specifically (versus not being alone) isn't growing.
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 22, 2024 16:29:27 GMT
Wow, thank you, that was all very helpful in detangling thoughts! anne12, I was thinking we need an adventure, too! It occurs to me that exbf and I had adrenaline built into our early dating: Days after our 2nd date, covid lockdown! We decided to be each other's person. We were together often during those frightening first weeks, each other's main source of human contact, going out and making love in the abandoned sandbars. There's just no comparing that to dating during normal, less-apocalyptic times where we have to go to jobs and no one's fighting over toilet paper in the supermarkets. (TMI WARNING!) Menopause: I keep my yoni exercised and moisturized. But O's aren't as easy or as strong. Random moments of horny-ness come way less often. You're so right, it's unfair to judge my sex now vs. pre-menopause, even though it was not even two years ago I was having some of the best sex of my life. I have to learn to enjoy different sensations. I'm very blunt. I've not danced around or been shy about telling him what I want, but doing so takes me out of my feminine energy and into being a "bossy bottom." But he's been sooo far off from what works for me, I've had to be blunt. I was surprised to read on one of the threads that ambivalents are often kinky! Guilty!!!!I've tried suggesting we practice some new things I've never done, so we'll be on equal footing. I often feel like sexually I'm trying to hold back a little so he'll more aggressively chase it, but when I fall back to let him lead, he just becomes defeated. I'm the more physical one, more athletic, more sensual, more into food, wine. He is, however, much bigger, stronger, and masculine in his way of fixing things, helping, he always wants to be of service. I sometimes ask him/let him do things for me I could probably do myself (change bike tire, jump car engine, etc.) because it makes me feel like I'm in my fem energy, he's in his masc during these moments. He's not anyone I would have gone this long with in the past, but I'm trying so hard to choose differently. I'm seeing we might not be compatible sexually, also I'm really missing a playfulness that perhaps I need in a partner. I don't feel like he's too clingy for me, or not clingy enough, so at least maybe we're not mismatched that way. I don't think I can find 5 things wrong with him, just 2 to 4, lol. |
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 22, 2024 17:37:16 GMT
Unfortunately, insecurity makes things hot. Very hot. If you read online of women who had emotionally unavailable men they could never lock down they all universally say it was the best they have ever had. But yes, it's hard when our current partner is just missing the mark over and over again. Sometimes we have completely different ways of showing physical affection than our partner.
What if you tried to stay in your playful space while directing him on what to do? I would actually say he may end up being super in his head about this now if he keeps getting it wrong. Once you get into that headspace it becomes more awkward. Also some men have a subconscious block on being too aggressive. They feel it is being disrespectful to women. I can be a switch when I want to be, so this may not work for you. But I found once ME being aggressive encouraged a man to also come out to his own dominance once he realized he wasn't going to hurt me. So that is something to consider.
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Post by introvert on Feb 23, 2024 0:41:19 GMT
It might help if you witness him doing something masculine, daring, and sexy. If he has it in him. I totally get the hots for my guy when he unleashes his masculinity even in the most mundane things. And the way he is sensitive to my sensitivity when we are on an adventure. He's learned to look out for and be patient with Ms. HSP Introvert, and the polarity is beautiful and makes me feel respect for him which is an aphrodisiac to me. Along with feeling cherished and feminine.
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Post by introvert on Feb 23, 2024 0:42:30 GMT
Oh and playfulness is a definite enhancer.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 23, 2024 6:40:19 GMT
lovebunny “ I was surprised to read on one of the threads that ambivalents are often kinky!” 😳🤔?
- where did you read this ? The secure: Free to explore his sexuality Ect. Ambivalent: May be too preoccupied with sex to protect against rejection, hold on to their partner Sometimes uses sex as confirmation They confuse the amount of sex with how much they are loved Sex overactivates the attachment system. They forget themselves both during sex and after sex The avoidant: Random non-committal sex suits them best The intimacy ability is blocked / restricted Maintains emotional distance May have difficulty sensing the body They have difficulty with eye contact as they have experienced angry or stressed eyes Repeats the old story of not meeting their needs During sex, they deactivate the attachment system Disorganized: Shifts between disabling and activating of the attatchment system Boundaries is a problem Power / powerlessness Struggles They can often have exstreme sex: being promisquious, bsdm, S/M, over/underdog dynamics, or they can be scared of sex. Some can be very sexual/sensual. People often say, that it is the best sex they ever had, having sex with a person with some desorganised attatchmentstyle. You can use it as confirmation and be uncritical about who you are having sex with. You can have sex with many people Through sex they can experience closeness. Pain can be a way to relive past traumas. One may have a tendency to maintain the high nervous system arousel when having extreme sex. If the tension goes down, they may believe, that they are dying on the instinctive level. Sex with a secure person can feel boring. Shame vs. shamelessness Sex can be grounded with shame. Some are ashamed of their body. Also if you had been sexually abused. Or some may be shameless. You are shameless to yourself if you are being promiscues. Because of their unregulated nerveussystem, sex often has to be more exstreme before they can feel anything. Sex can also be a way to discharge ans. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46201/
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 23, 2024 13:13:01 GMT
lovebunny “ I was surprised to read on one of the threads that ambivalents are often kinky!” 😳🤔?
- where did you read this ? Disorganized: Shifts between disabling and activating of the attatchment system Boundaries is a problem Power / powerlessness Struggles They can often have exstreme sex: being promisquious, bsdm, S/M, over/underdog dynamics, or they can be scared of sex. Some can be very sexual/sensual. People often say, that it is the best sex they ever had, having sex with a person with some desorganised attatchmentstyle. You can use it as confirmation and be uncritical about who you are having sex with. You can have sex with many people Through sex they can experience closeness. Pain can be a way to relive past traumas. One may have a tendency to maintain the high nervous system arousel when having extreme sex. If the tension goes down, they may believe, that they are dying on the instinctive level. Sex with a secure person can feel boring. I seem to be confusing ambivalent with disorganized. |
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