Post by allenturtle on Mar 3, 2024 14:53:30 GMT
Hello, I am new here and want to share a bit of my recent experience.
I am male, 50 years, divorced with kids I care for part-time and have been single for 3 years now. I literally had zero social life or contacts besides the usual bullshit on social media that turns out to be fake and scam.
I met a girl online by accident, she is substantially younger than me (30) and lives far away (other side of the world, 7h behind me). We had a very good vibe talking online from the start, she was amazed I had hobbies and interests that fir her age range, like video games, series but also in professional skills like drawing, design and such. We also saw mismatch, like music taste and more. We started to talk daily, despite the time difference she used to text me in my morning after getting up, throughout the day and at evenings. We texted for several hours a day over a period of at least 4 weeks last year.
We exchanged pictures and clips, we got naughty and did sexting, we talked about society, human behavior and complexity, about feelings. I was worried all the time she was making fun of me or leading me, as I could not believe that such a young and attractive woman would be that interested in me. I am average guy, shy and introverted. She liked my good manners and friendly speech. It was developing quickly and she showered me with flattery and kind words. I asked for quite early not to say "Love you" if she didn't mean it. All I asked for was honesty. She always agreed and supported that attitude. And said she loved me. I sensed early she had difficulties, I suspected depression caused by early life trauma, but it took time until she told me more details, naturally. This kind of communication and increasing trust from her finally caused me to develop deeper feelings. I finally allowed myself to trust this unusual situation, despite all the odds. One thing she always stated from the start was - romantic relationship is a no no for her. I asked her if dating would be an option for her, and she said "if you lived near me, sure". She never hesitated and made clear that having physical intimacy with me would be an option, actually something she found exciting. But she never expressed she waited for it. Or would do anything from her side to make it happen. She gave me her address soon, her phone number. So I could send her a little gift one time. We never called as she said this would make her feel stressed, even calling her own family was what she avoided.
We texted when I was away on a business trip, we even texted once while I was at a concert, I sent her live footage and images, and she was interested and excited.
This went on until christmas. She asked if I would spend time with kids and I said no, I will be alone at home this year. Then she said "oh me, too. My bff flew to xyz, so I guess it's only me and your little girlfriend in your phone". I was happy. I waited for xmas but somehow a few days before (I think around 19th/20th) she started to change her behavior. She texted much less and I could feel her thoughts were somewhere else, her attention was reduced a lot. I asked and she said she felt down and not like talking. She wanted to stay silent for a while. It was soooo different from anything before, but I said "OK, I don't know her situation, wait a little". I waited and not much came from her at all. I suggested we maybe could have an online dinner arranged for xmas eve, so she didn't feel so alone. She said, video call is not what she wants, but texting will be ok. A bit disappointed I waited and texted her on xmas eve. Her reply reaction time had turned from instant (during the last 4 weeks) to at least 1-3 hours now. She texte me a friend of her (female) had just arrived and would stay for the holidays. She would be busy. Not a sorry or any expression she would miss me. I felt like hit in the face. But what could I do. I continued to be patient and swallow down my bad feelings. My longing, my disappointment. I sent her a few pics and texts and she replied much later with heart emoji or a few words. But it felt pretty emotionless.
After her friend left (if that was a true story at all) she slowly came back to me. But I felt things had changed. She was testy, didn't laugh about my jokes, but said they were unfunny. The long talks were over, she had less and less time for me. When I said this made me sad, she answered things like "Is it my responsibility?" or "This is not the real me. I am not a friendly person at all. I do not usually share my life or react to text messages immediately, not even with my best friends. I treat you the same way as always and way better than anyone else" or "Can't you imagine this is the best I can do?". I felt helpless. I didn't want to blame her, but everything I said, she received as baling her. If I expressed my feelings or wishes she got defensive. She did not even try to understand me. She said she may have autistic traits, and was clearly not capable to love or to be able to have normal social connections at all. People would drain her quickly and she needed to withdraw and stay silent then for a long time. Being anxious type I could relate, but I could not figure out how she was able to act totally different for 4 full weeks, if she actually was an unfriendly, avoidant person? It didn't fit.
Trying to talk about it quickly escalated to the point where she said "if all I can give you is insecurities, I am not the right person to be friends with you". I mentioned it was mainly about by insecurities and how I could learn to get along with her, not stressing her. Then she asked:" Do I still matter to you?". After that we agreed to give it another try. She returned to a normal mode slowly, she sent me good morning audios again sometimes, shared pics with her cats at home, or when she went outside. This went on into February when we also started to co-operate on her current work a bit. I could support her a lot, she was seeking my advice. She told me that my expressed love and feelings towards her had made her anxious, that a relationship with me would not be possible but she respected me as a very important friend and kind of tutor. I struggled a lot because my heart still wanted to be with her one day. I am still jealous when she has contacts with other guys. I try to suppress this, not mention things in talks, but it's so hard. When I told her how sad and lonely I was, she called me up and we talked on phone for an hour or more. She told me about how her past relationships were like, they literally didn't exist, I would call them sexually abusive situationships at best. She told me that she would always lose interest in some guy after a few weeks and feel annoyed, literally work towards ending in. It also was always her who ended her relationships on such terms. I didn't feel she called me up to comfort me, but more to explain why it wouldn't work, maybe prepare myself. By then we had texted more or less every single day for 4 months. As of today there are no more good morning messages anymore. Maybe a single cat pic in a week, she refuses to send pics of her now (we had nude video calls doing it before!), she ignores most stuff I send her or replies with short words, as if not even thinking much about it. She had a "down phase" again and stayed silent for while (she broke the silent every day by sending a message, but ignored my replies for most of the day).
I know I should not continue this for a single day. She is clearly not interested in me, I fooled myself in the beginning (despite being worried) and she didn't care making me feel loved, she just did what felt right to her in that moment. I think she even meant everything she said, but the feeling of curiosity and excitement of the new was probably more a reason than real genuine affection. We exchanged so many details about each other, I guess she feels bored now and also pressured by the intimacy that created. By the commitment I want to have, even being only friends. I feel I contributed 80% and she did almost nothing, besides things she just felt like that very moment. She started to text with other guys, while I was online too, waiting for her reply. She ignores it, she knows I can see her online status, she even told me about a guy who blocked her after a while, she called it "losing a friend". I have a bunch of red flags lying around here now.
Still, she doesn't want to let go. If I stay silent for half a day, she sends messages looking for me "what are you doing?". But: she didn't ask "how are you" once in all that time. I cannot tell what this is. Is she avoidant (maybe narcisstic). Is she anxious-avoidant? Is she just not interested but loves the attention, knowing there is someone who cares and she can step on as she likes? She refuses to talk about her feelings or mental issues. She was in therapy, takes medics, but she stopped last summer (therapy). She says she can't love or have social interaction like normal people. period. nothing will ever change it. So she decided to not allow relationships, only casual sex (and there she isn't very picky with). The only love she accepts is the one from her pets. They would never let her down.
I find her very interesting and attracting, body, face and personality. She is like a poisonous thorny rose to me. But I also feel how painful this is to me, how it takes away my energy, my time, my will to focus on other things. I want to support her still, but even the co-working doesn't work as she always feels lazy, sleepy or is busy with other stuff now. We only have those little time windows where our time zones allow us to communicate, in the beginning she went far to make it possible during those hours, now it seems she purposely or carelessly ignores it. When I text her I have to go sleep late at night she is like "oh, yes, I forgot again how late it is for you". It all feels like bullshit now, honestly. Or excuses. So why doesn't she let go? Or is that her way of doing it? Let it fade out slowly and painfully?
I learned a lot about myself. About me not setting boundaries for myself or ignoring them again and again. I feel I should seek therapy now for a little "getting back on the track". She actually encouraged that! I should end this right now. No explanations, no sorries. Just leave, block and slowly distance from this. I know it. But I still don't do it.
Sorry for this long story.
I am male, 50 years, divorced with kids I care for part-time and have been single for 3 years now. I literally had zero social life or contacts besides the usual bullshit on social media that turns out to be fake and scam.
I met a girl online by accident, she is substantially younger than me (30) and lives far away (other side of the world, 7h behind me). We had a very good vibe talking online from the start, she was amazed I had hobbies and interests that fir her age range, like video games, series but also in professional skills like drawing, design and such. We also saw mismatch, like music taste and more. We started to talk daily, despite the time difference she used to text me in my morning after getting up, throughout the day and at evenings. We texted for several hours a day over a period of at least 4 weeks last year.
We exchanged pictures and clips, we got naughty and did sexting, we talked about society, human behavior and complexity, about feelings. I was worried all the time she was making fun of me or leading me, as I could not believe that such a young and attractive woman would be that interested in me. I am average guy, shy and introverted. She liked my good manners and friendly speech. It was developing quickly and she showered me with flattery and kind words. I asked for quite early not to say "Love you" if she didn't mean it. All I asked for was honesty. She always agreed and supported that attitude. And said she loved me. I sensed early she had difficulties, I suspected depression caused by early life trauma, but it took time until she told me more details, naturally. This kind of communication and increasing trust from her finally caused me to develop deeper feelings. I finally allowed myself to trust this unusual situation, despite all the odds. One thing she always stated from the start was - romantic relationship is a no no for her. I asked her if dating would be an option for her, and she said "if you lived near me, sure". She never hesitated and made clear that having physical intimacy with me would be an option, actually something she found exciting. But she never expressed she waited for it. Or would do anything from her side to make it happen. She gave me her address soon, her phone number. So I could send her a little gift one time. We never called as she said this would make her feel stressed, even calling her own family was what she avoided.
We texted when I was away on a business trip, we even texted once while I was at a concert, I sent her live footage and images, and she was interested and excited.
This went on until christmas. She asked if I would spend time with kids and I said no, I will be alone at home this year. Then she said "oh me, too. My bff flew to xyz, so I guess it's only me and your little girlfriend in your phone". I was happy. I waited for xmas but somehow a few days before (I think around 19th/20th) she started to change her behavior. She texted much less and I could feel her thoughts were somewhere else, her attention was reduced a lot. I asked and she said she felt down and not like talking. She wanted to stay silent for a while. It was soooo different from anything before, but I said "OK, I don't know her situation, wait a little". I waited and not much came from her at all. I suggested we maybe could have an online dinner arranged for xmas eve, so she didn't feel so alone. She said, video call is not what she wants, but texting will be ok. A bit disappointed I waited and texted her on xmas eve. Her reply reaction time had turned from instant (during the last 4 weeks) to at least 1-3 hours now. She texte me a friend of her (female) had just arrived and would stay for the holidays. She would be busy. Not a sorry or any expression she would miss me. I felt like hit in the face. But what could I do. I continued to be patient and swallow down my bad feelings. My longing, my disappointment. I sent her a few pics and texts and she replied much later with heart emoji or a few words. But it felt pretty emotionless.
After her friend left (if that was a true story at all) she slowly came back to me. But I felt things had changed. She was testy, didn't laugh about my jokes, but said they were unfunny. The long talks were over, she had less and less time for me. When I said this made me sad, she answered things like "Is it my responsibility?" or "This is not the real me. I am not a friendly person at all. I do not usually share my life or react to text messages immediately, not even with my best friends. I treat you the same way as always and way better than anyone else" or "Can't you imagine this is the best I can do?". I felt helpless. I didn't want to blame her, but everything I said, she received as baling her. If I expressed my feelings or wishes she got defensive. She did not even try to understand me. She said she may have autistic traits, and was clearly not capable to love or to be able to have normal social connections at all. People would drain her quickly and she needed to withdraw and stay silent then for a long time. Being anxious type I could relate, but I could not figure out how she was able to act totally different for 4 full weeks, if she actually was an unfriendly, avoidant person? It didn't fit.
Trying to talk about it quickly escalated to the point where she said "if all I can give you is insecurities, I am not the right person to be friends with you". I mentioned it was mainly about by insecurities and how I could learn to get along with her, not stressing her. Then she asked:" Do I still matter to you?". After that we agreed to give it another try. She returned to a normal mode slowly, she sent me good morning audios again sometimes, shared pics with her cats at home, or when she went outside. This went on into February when we also started to co-operate on her current work a bit. I could support her a lot, she was seeking my advice. She told me that my expressed love and feelings towards her had made her anxious, that a relationship with me would not be possible but she respected me as a very important friend and kind of tutor. I struggled a lot because my heart still wanted to be with her one day. I am still jealous when she has contacts with other guys. I try to suppress this, not mention things in talks, but it's so hard. When I told her how sad and lonely I was, she called me up and we talked on phone for an hour or more. She told me about how her past relationships were like, they literally didn't exist, I would call them sexually abusive situationships at best. She told me that she would always lose interest in some guy after a few weeks and feel annoyed, literally work towards ending in. It also was always her who ended her relationships on such terms. I didn't feel she called me up to comfort me, but more to explain why it wouldn't work, maybe prepare myself. By then we had texted more or less every single day for 4 months. As of today there are no more good morning messages anymore. Maybe a single cat pic in a week, she refuses to send pics of her now (we had nude video calls doing it before!), she ignores most stuff I send her or replies with short words, as if not even thinking much about it. She had a "down phase" again and stayed silent for while (she broke the silent every day by sending a message, but ignored my replies for most of the day).
I know I should not continue this for a single day. She is clearly not interested in me, I fooled myself in the beginning (despite being worried) and she didn't care making me feel loved, she just did what felt right to her in that moment. I think she even meant everything she said, but the feeling of curiosity and excitement of the new was probably more a reason than real genuine affection. We exchanged so many details about each other, I guess she feels bored now and also pressured by the intimacy that created. By the commitment I want to have, even being only friends. I feel I contributed 80% and she did almost nothing, besides things she just felt like that very moment. She started to text with other guys, while I was online too, waiting for her reply. She ignores it, she knows I can see her online status, she even told me about a guy who blocked her after a while, she called it "losing a friend". I have a bunch of red flags lying around here now.
Still, she doesn't want to let go. If I stay silent for half a day, she sends messages looking for me "what are you doing?". But: she didn't ask "how are you" once in all that time. I cannot tell what this is. Is she avoidant (maybe narcisstic). Is she anxious-avoidant? Is she just not interested but loves the attention, knowing there is someone who cares and she can step on as she likes? She refuses to talk about her feelings or mental issues. She was in therapy, takes medics, but she stopped last summer (therapy). She says she can't love or have social interaction like normal people. period. nothing will ever change it. So she decided to not allow relationships, only casual sex (and there she isn't very picky with). The only love she accepts is the one from her pets. They would never let her down.
I find her very interesting and attracting, body, face and personality. She is like a poisonous thorny rose to me. But I also feel how painful this is to me, how it takes away my energy, my time, my will to focus on other things. I want to support her still, but even the co-working doesn't work as she always feels lazy, sleepy or is busy with other stuff now. We only have those little time windows where our time zones allow us to communicate, in the beginning she went far to make it possible during those hours, now it seems she purposely or carelessly ignores it. When I text her I have to go sleep late at night she is like "oh, yes, I forgot again how late it is for you". It all feels like bullshit now, honestly. Or excuses. So why doesn't she let go? Or is that her way of doing it? Let it fade out slowly and painfully?
I learned a lot about myself. About me not setting boundaries for myself or ignoring them again and again. I feel I should seek therapy now for a little "getting back on the track". She actually encouraged that! I should end this right now. No explanations, no sorries. Just leave, block and slowly distance from this. I know it. But I still don't do it.
Sorry for this long story.
