Post by epiclyflighted on Apr 19, 2024 15:08:17 GMT
Hi there,
Just over six months ago I walked out on a special person in my life. We'd been together for three years, living together for the majority of that time. I am now 41, she is 32. It wasn't long after moving in together that I noticed I'd react very strongly to any sign of discomfort in her. Conflict made me feel incredibly edgy as if it was entirely my fault. Gradually these reactions would get worse and worse, I'd have rageful outbursts and storm out. Similar to the way I'd run away as a child. It very much felt like a part of me that wasn't a part of me, if that makes sense.
This rising energy of emotion that felt scary and overwhelming ultimately ended in me walking out for good. At the time I just didn't know how to sit with my feelings, listen to what she had to say and be intimate and caring in these situations. From her perspective I must have looked crazy, distant and an allround angry person. It's only now, after six months of therapy that I can see how bad I was behaving and out of control my emotions were.
It has been a positive step to realise that this is an injury that has come from childhood and adolescent trauma. I'm getting better at regulating my nervous system although most days I still feel chaotic and out of control inside.
My ex messaged my mum recently so I reached out to connect and hopefully meet up, but she refused to see me and now I feel rejected. It's a tough one to swallow but I'm being really good at making progress with myself and focussing on the things that I love and enjoy doing so that I can get through the weeks. I still feel very much in survival mode so I'm here to connect with others in the hope that someone on here has experienced something similar and can offer support and advice.
I miss her like crazy and feel a great deal of shame towards myself for how it ended. I know that things will turn out okay now that I've realised this pattern about myself, but the days, weeks and months don't seem the same without her in my life.
I guess this is a cry for help and support on what sort of attachment style this is and how I can live with it better in future.
Cheers
_
Just over six months ago I walked out on a special person in my life. We'd been together for three years, living together for the majority of that time. I am now 41, she is 32. It wasn't long after moving in together that I noticed I'd react very strongly to any sign of discomfort in her. Conflict made me feel incredibly edgy as if it was entirely my fault. Gradually these reactions would get worse and worse, I'd have rageful outbursts and storm out. Similar to the way I'd run away as a child. It very much felt like a part of me that wasn't a part of me, if that makes sense.
This rising energy of emotion that felt scary and overwhelming ultimately ended in me walking out for good. At the time I just didn't know how to sit with my feelings, listen to what she had to say and be intimate and caring in these situations. From her perspective I must have looked crazy, distant and an allround angry person. It's only now, after six months of therapy that I can see how bad I was behaving and out of control my emotions were.
It has been a positive step to realise that this is an injury that has come from childhood and adolescent trauma. I'm getting better at regulating my nervous system although most days I still feel chaotic and out of control inside.
My ex messaged my mum recently so I reached out to connect and hopefully meet up, but she refused to see me and now I feel rejected. It's a tough one to swallow but I'm being really good at making progress with myself and focussing on the things that I love and enjoy doing so that I can get through the weeks. I still feel very much in survival mode so I'm here to connect with others in the hope that someone on here has experienced something similar and can offer support and advice.
I miss her like crazy and feel a great deal of shame towards myself for how it ended. I know that things will turn out okay now that I've realised this pattern about myself, but the days, weeks and months don't seem the same without her in my life.
I guess this is a cry for help and support on what sort of attachment style this is and how I can live with it better in future.
Cheers
_