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Post by alexandra on Aug 4, 2024 7:24:47 GMT
I've had FA exes do things like this, so it's probably typical enough. But it isn't about you. FA want to be close but not too close. If they feel too close or too far their nervous systems go out of wack, so behavior like this is an attempt to regulate themselves and feel better. It does not mean they want you back or that anything would change from before even if you did get back together. It does mean that their insecurities prevent them from having healthy boundaries, so the only one watching out for you in this situation is you. Therefore, you need to do your best to hold your own healthy boundaries no matter what she's doing, or you'll get pulled right back in to dysfunction.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 4, 2024 9:01:16 GMT
I think if you can ignore it and her that would be best. If you truly can't ignore her, then you can try telling her you need space and to please respect that. But you want to tread carefully if you're in a situation where dating at work is frowned upon or where she can claim sexual harassment if she's vindictive.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Aug 4, 2024 10:07:24 GMT
Ex FA gf broke up with me twice. When we got back together the first time she told me it was because of childhood trauma + fearful avoidant attachment style. Our initial stint was a four month, sparks fly, crazy chemistry type thing that I’ve read is typical of FAs. Second time she told me she wanted to take the relationship seriously and was great again for another month before 2 weeks of distancing + then inevitable breakup. Both breakups seemingly deactivation based after she goes on a 1 week trip away from me. No clue what happens in these trips but she comes back cold, distant and a little mean. This is the strange thing to me - we work together, on different floors and can avoid each other. I have been trying to avoid her since the first breakup as seeing her is detrimental to me moving on. Before we got back together she admitted she would come up to my floor to “get a look” at me. This would typically be once a week. She comes up and speaks to all the people around me, but not me specifically. I did notice after the first breakup and thought I was just being crazy. Then she admitted she was doing it to “spy” on me and it all made sense. We’ve been broken up for the second time now and I’m very done at this point. I feel as though I tried very hard to accommodate her attachment style and spent the relationship walking on eggshells. I figured since she broke it off she’d also realize it just wasn’t working. But she’s still coming up to my floor? Day after the breakup she was up. Second week she was up as well. My question is why? What does she get out of this? I understand there’s a natural curiosity when you dump someone, but what’s the purpose of putting yourself in someone’s orbit, especially when she knows I know what she’s doing? Is it all just a mind game for her? As FAs, have you guys ever done anything like this? Just a heads up, from personal experience, the "walking on eggshells" thing I feel, is more along the lines of CPTSD and trauma! I've dated 2 FA's, first one a two and a half month affair (don't know the attachment test of first one, but she's self admitted to me that she is along the lines of FA attachment & CPTSD) and long term genuine friends now (I literally have no feelings for her, but do care about her, she has tried to get back with me a couple times). She came from a narcissistic parent and ex. husband background! Also, I definitely can confirm I was stalked, even though she called it off out of nowhere due to fears! Mainly around her self worth at the crux of it! At the start, full on, almost "love bombing" was also present with the CPTSD girl! there is an overlap from that narcissistic abuse patterning, along with "Intermittent Reinforcement"! The second FA was more "D-A" and "Secure" in her split (not a pure 25% split) in her attachment testing, and definitely never made me "walk on eggshells" unlike the first one, when she was under high stress! She was caring, loving, supportive and was more open to talking! |
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Post by mrob on Aug 4, 2024 16:02:30 GMT
Is there a reason why, when you see her, you aren’t able to say something along the lines of “This hurts a bit right now, I need some time to regroup”. You’ve told the truth and taken some of the pride hit yourself, but she certainly gets the message. It then also closes the back door.
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