Post by wingedheart on Aug 5, 2024 16:22:11 GMT
I've been two weeks now in "no contact" with an FA ex (though I did send messages that were blocked up until last week due to my AP). My full story is in my post history, but my focus now and moving forward, as challenging as it has been, is to look inwardly to acknowledge my own feelings. I went on a two hour walk yesterday which was quite nice. A storm was rolling in and we don't have too many cloudy/rainy days in the American southwest. I began to mentally note and document points in my relationship with me ex-FA. I own up to the fact that I met her protest behaviors (pulling back, blame-shifting) with my own (pulling back, testing, attacking). Here are some of the mental notes that I thought I'd share with the community for feedback. Are these normal?
Please know that I'm listing these thoughts as purely as they've entered my mind and I understand that a lot of them won't be rational, logical, or proper for healing. So here are my mental notes two weeks post-breakup after an 8-month long distance relationship with an FA:
During the Relationship up to the Breakup
Currently
And that's where I'm at. For the last 1.5 weeks, I was an anxious mess with checking my phone constantly. Now, I do accept that it's over (at least in its current iteration) and that I know I won't hear from her for a long time. I feel better, but not great of course. Far from it. I am traveling domestically to see my mother on Wednesday which is a bit triggering because the last time I was on a plane was flying home from seeing her. So there I'll be with my backup and earbuds in, but instead of listening to her voice notes and reading her texts I'll be listening to self-help and reading healing advice.
The mornings are difficult, but if I can grind to about 4pm or 5pm each day my mind feels more at peace and I can "wind down" in my thoughts and usually end the nights well. I'm not losing any sleep, no loss of appetite. A bit lethargic and I dream about her every night, though.
Please know that I'm listing these thoughts as purely as they've entered my mind and I understand that a lot of them won't be rational, logical, or proper for healing. So here are my mental notes two weeks post-breakup after an 8-month long distance relationship with an FA:
During the Relationship up to the Breakup
- We dated for two (crammed) weeks, about ten full days together, and then began long-distance
- I noted moments of incapability and and "yellow flags" throughout the relationship which kept me objective for the first four months or so
- If she would have ghosted me or broken up with me during this period, I wouldn't have been affected emotionally
- I'd find myself comparing her to the image of "what I wanted" in my head. If I watched a podcast or a movie or whatever with a woman who aligned more with what I was looking for, I'd feel a bit ambivalent towards my ex and I's own compatibility
- But what these other women couldn't give me was the attachment. For all of my ex's faults, she cared about me, and was willing to go on this long-distance journey. If not her, then maybe no one? So maybe she was "the one", I thought
- The debate of "am I with her just to not be alone?" vs "don't sabotage something great because it's too early to judge someone" started. Again, I'm not perfect nor was I looking for it, so who was I to judge?
- There were many times I doubted the relationship's viability and questioned whether she and I were the right fit for each other. My "gut" was telling me that the relationship couldn't work, but it was early so I chose to give her a chance
- These issues were very rational. Her views on religion, our political ideologies, her hobbies and interests, her temperament, the distance between us, etc.
- I started to relax and appreciate her much more. I'm 35 and have my own failed relationships, so I wanted to have an open-mind. She was investing in me, more often than not reliable at this time, and seemed secure-ish (I thought she was anxious), and I knew that was incredibly important to me and something I valued immensely
- Over time, I believe I became caught in a "wounded bird syndrome" dynamic. Her shortcomings, flaws, and traumas I started to empathize with and I became "attracted" to them
- When she'd be unaccommodating, cold, distant, or even when we'd have a conversation on beliefs and/or values that didn't align, I started to feel less objective and more emotional. I felt our differences were just part of "us" and something we could sort out. Start of a trauma bond?
- The yellow flags became red flags, but the "wounded bird" dynamic made me develop deeper feelings. It brought us closer, because I felt that I could be her "savior"
- I viewed us as equals despite this "savior" feeling. It was more of a, "I know I'm a good person and can lift you up, and then in return you can lift me up, and we can do that for life" sort of thing
- An interesting thought, but I had never really fantasized about her sexually while I had an objective-mind. Once we became bonded, I'd fantasize about her nearly every night (and still do)
- When she went cold a few weeks before the break-up, my objectivity was replaced by protest behaviors. I felt somewhat numb to being "triggered" in both cases, but this time it was based on emotion and not logic
- Before the final argument, part of me knew it could be over, but I felt empowered. I felt disrespected and that I deserved better. My objectivity had returned, briefly, during the argument
- When she blocked me, I became devastated almost immediately and my attachment went into overdrive
- My whole objective in life became how to strategize to get her back, to work it out, etc.
Currently
- I have accepted that she and I will not communicate for at least a considerable amount of time (months likely)
- I do feel that if I hadn't protested, we could have talked it out and I'd still be flying to see her. This feeling haunts me the most in terms of it sabotaging my short-term attachment issue, but I've come around to understanding that it was actually a blessing-in-disguise that I'm not seeing her in a few weeks anymore
- I did protest for a reason though, so if anything now I only hold up to 50% blame. No more, no less. I no longer view my ex-FA as "being in the right" and that I self-sabotaged completely or anything
- I haven't accepted that we will never talk again. I feel that if she doesn't initiate after a few months, that I likely will
- I have found my physical motivation again and am engaging in walks, hobbies, and working out. However, a large part of this motivation is to "win her back"
- I have a fantasy that in 30 or 60 days she'll be back, and that I want to "be ready" for this so I'm fit, confident, and at my 100% best when I see her again
- God could put the perfect woman in front of me right now and I would choose my ex-FA over her due to my trauma bond
- If my ex-FA reached back out, I am ambivalent. Part of me feels this would give me the power to have her "prove herself to me", whereas part of me thinks I would tell her to "leave the past behind" and that we should schedule my trip to see her ASAP
- I realize that this fantasy to win her back isn't rational. It's more of a feeling of wanting her to realize what a prize she discarded and that her reaching back out to me will validate my value
- I'm not jealous or concerned of her finding another man. Five years ago? I would be. I feel I know enough about how the rodeo works now to know that her rebounding and jumping back into the dating pool is just part of the process
- A large frustration in my fantasy thinking is that her drifting away for a few months is just an annoying hurdle. We could be having an amazing two months together which is now simply delayed because of attachment wounding caused in our childhood
- In a way, it would actually make me feel worse if she wasn't on the dating apps already. Her doing so confirms to me that she's an avoidant and I know she cannot find a healthy relationship in her current state
- This is a double-edged sword. This makes me feel connected to her still, because I feel confident that in 60, 90, 120 days that the ball will be back in my court to win her back and see her again. I.e., if not for me accepting her in her current state, no one will. So I have the power
- Realizing she is an avoidant helps with my healing immensely. Knowing that she is not capable of meeting my needs or being a good partner is a huge sticking point in my mind for building confidence moving forward
- There are many thoughts, deep down, that know I deserve better and that my objective cannot be to win her back
- Though it was long-distance, we had an "agreement" that it wouldn't be after our second meeting. I.e., I'd stay with her for 60 days at a time, then her with me, etc., until we figured that out
- I'm attracted to women in other countries not because they are far from me, but because I travel for work/school and value women who are culturally enriched, bilingual, and can have deep conversations and differing perspectives. My mother is Australian and I've lived in multiple countries
- I'm not quite to the feeling of "I'll never have better", but I don't want better or worse - I just want her, so it's hard to discern where my self-esteem is
- I dated a woman overseas prior to her which was much shorter lived which did not trigger my anxiety or my self-esteem at all
- I feel I'm dancing with the devil. I'm drawing energy from the fantasy of seeing her again to improve myself enough to not want to interact with her again. It's risky, but it's helping with my motivation
- My 60 day plan is to do great with my studies, work, physical health, and to "fake it until I make it". However, I do plan on reaching out to her after if she doesn't initiate. I am hoping this feeling fades
And that's where I'm at. For the last 1.5 weeks, I was an anxious mess with checking my phone constantly. Now, I do accept that it's over (at least in its current iteration) and that I know I won't hear from her for a long time. I feel better, but not great of course. Far from it. I am traveling domestically to see my mother on Wednesday which is a bit triggering because the last time I was on a plane was flying home from seeing her. So there I'll be with my backup and earbuds in, but instead of listening to her voice notes and reading her texts I'll be listening to self-help and reading healing advice.
The mornings are difficult, but if I can grind to about 4pm or 5pm each day my mind feels more at peace and I can "wind down" in my thoughts and usually end the nights well. I'm not losing any sleep, no loss of appetite. A bit lethargic and I dream about her every night, though.
