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Post by writtenintime on Aug 26, 2024 9:06:10 GMT
My boyfriend is sick, he has pneunomia and has to take injections and infusions, our relationship is really rocky this last period (We've been together for almost a year), but regardless I wanted to show up for him even if we weren't really on speaking terms because of a fight.
I know he needed my support and I needed to show him I care since he is doing really bad. So I bought him a bunch of sweets, I know he likes them, and also a good supplement for his immune system and I texted him I left him something on his fence. I expected a "thank you" or more appreciation/affection.
Instead, I got "Why did you bother with it my *pet name*, when I don't deserve it."
What does that even mean? Is this normal, for an avoidant, to react this weird when receiving a gift from someone? I didn't expect him to be over the top since our situation is rocky, but he tends to be very affectionate with me.
I feel so unappreciated right now.
That's literally the only thing he said.
Is this a way of sabotaging, feeling unworthy of my love? Or he was actually being passive aggressive because of our fights? What is your take on this?
I don't regret leaving him that, because I know he is really struggling with his health and needs support.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 26, 2024 16:52:08 GMT
Yes, I've had this happen with 3 different FA exes (I used to have a type!). I know this will spike your anxiety, but I will be honest. They each did this right before breaking up with me. It wasn't self sabotage as much as guilt that they knew the relationship wasn't equal or fair and they weren't treating me properly. Since I wouldn't respect myself enough to leave an increasingly toxic situation, they'd do it for me.
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Post by writtenintime on Aug 26, 2024 16:56:01 GMT
Yes, I've had this happen with 3 different FA exes (I used to have a type!). I know this will spike your anxiety, but I will be honest. They each did this right before breaking up with me. It wasn't self sabotage as much as guilt that they knew the relationship wasn't equal or fair and they weren't treating me properly. Since I wouldn't respect myself enough to leave an increasingly toxic situation, they'd do it for me. It's okay. Somebody that can't appreciate a gift and instead is blowing me off and didn't even add anything.. of course he doesn't love me. It's been almost 24 hours and nothing. Complete silence. I have no dignity whatsoever. Leaving him a gift after getting silent treatment for a week. I want him to break up with me, he needs to have the balls. So after how long is the break up coming? Does he expects me to go away on my own?  |
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Post by writtenintime on Aug 26, 2024 16:59:10 GMT
Yes, I've had this happen with 3 different FA exes (I used to have a type!). I know this will spike your anxiety, but I will be honest. They each did this right before breaking up with me. It wasn't self sabotage as much as guilt that they knew the relationship wasn't equal or fair and they weren't treating me properly. Since I wouldn't respect myself enough to leave an increasingly toxic situation, they'd do it for me. And he is probably already cheating right. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 26, 2024 17:31:20 GMT
This has nothing to do with love and he's probably not cheating, unless he already has a history of doing so. This is the typical dynamic between anxious and avoidant insecure attachers. You both have different and incompatible relationship needs and may have different maturity levels and communication skills. He can love you but not have the capacity to fully show up for anyone.
If this has been part of a bigger pattern of fighting and fighting and not resolving anything, yes, as an outsider who has been through it I would agree that breaking up with him is likely the best thing to do for yourself. But it'll still hurt and you'll need to give yourself time to get over it.
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Post by writtenintime on Aug 26, 2024 17:53:19 GMT
This has nothing to do with love and he's probably not cheating, unless he already has a history of doing so. This is the typical dynamic between anxious and avoidant insecure attachers. You both have different and incompatible relationship needs and may have different maturity levels and communication skills. He can love you but not have the capacity to fully show up for anyone. If this has been part of a bigger pattern of fighting and fighting and not resolving anything, yes, as an outsider who has been through it I would agree that breaking up with him is likely the best thing to do for yourself. But it'll still hurt and you'll need to give yourself time to get over it. He has no history on cheating on me, that I know of, he actually respects me when it comes to other women, never gave me a reason to be jealous. But I am a FA leaning anxious so I make a lot of scenarios in my head. I just never heard him say anything similiar before and it came so unexpected, hearing from him that he doesn't deserve my kind gestures it's like him admitting not deserving my commitment and not being on my level, and that's also strange because I know he cares about me and he was able to reassure me in the past. |
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Post by writtenintime on Aug 26, 2024 17:54:40 GMT
This has nothing to do with love and he's probably not cheating, unless he already has a history of doing so. This is the typical dynamic between anxious and avoidant insecure attachers. You both have different and incompatible relationship needs and may have different maturity levels and communication skills. He can love you but not have the capacity to fully show up for anyone. If this has been part of a bigger pattern of fighting and fighting and not resolving anything, yes, as an outsider who has been through it I would agree that breaking up with him is likely the best thing to do for yourself. But it'll still hurt and you'll need to give yourself time to get over it. I think he can't handle this level of intimacy and genuine caring. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2024 18:57:11 GMT
This has nothing to do with love and he's probably not cheating, unless he already has a history of doing so. This is the typical dynamic between anxious and avoidant insecure attachers. You both have different and incompatible relationship needs and may have different maturity levels and communication skills. He can love you but not have the capacity to fully show up for anyone. If this has been part of a bigger pattern of fighting and fighting and not resolving anything, yes, as an outsider who has been through it I would agree that breaking up with him is likely the best thing to do for yourself. But it'll still hurt and you'll need to give yourself time to get over it. I think he can't handle this level of intimacy and genuine caring. i am an FA who leans anxious and I dated a guy who was FA and leaned avoidant and when he broke up with me i spend so much time analyzing everything. When he finally spoke to me about it 6 months later…he said he loved being with me but just could not see a future and felt guilty to date me when he and i were at different places in what we each wanted. Whatever is going on with this guy….he is not being forthright and clear in his communication and you deserve someone who is and doesn’t leave you guessing about what is going on with him. Spending time guessing about another person’s intentions and thoughts is an anxious coping mechanism that can be reduced by returning your thoughts back to yourself. |
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Post by mrob on Aug 27, 2024 15:50:36 GMT
Come on folks. I think there’s a bit of storytelling going on here. The bloke is sick and feels a bit down on himself.
As an FA, it took years before I could take a compliment, and I still sometimes feel guilty receiving a present. I just learned to say thankyou instead of what he did, regardless of what my head told me.
I suggest you cut him a break.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 27, 2024 17:58:09 GMT
mrob I'd agree with you without the additional context. But this is part of a broader established anxious-avoidant unhealthy dynamic they already have. If it was, "things are mostly good but suddenly he's pulling away," I'd definitely suggest keeping anxiety in check and giving him a chance to recuperate without thinking anything of his comment. But once things are bad, I have gone through this same thing three times. She can wait it out but I wouldn't be surprised if something's going to give soon. Definitely no reason to jump to cheating, though.
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Post by writtenintime on Aug 30, 2024 12:26:05 GMT
Yes, I've had this happen with 3 different FA exes (I used to have a type!). I know this will spike your anxiety, but I will be honest. They each did this right before breaking up with me. It wasn't self sabotage as much as guilt that they knew the relationship wasn't equal or fair and they weren't treating me properly. Since I wouldn't respect myself enough to leave an increasingly toxic situation, they'd do it for me. What did they do exactly, before breaking up? Act weird when you were trying to be more close (For example, giving a gift, expressing your emotions/concerns)? Would like to hear more to see if I can see more subtle signs of an upcoming BU (I hope that's not the case ), of course it's just our assumptions and only time will tell, but I would like to hear your take on it. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 31, 2024 23:01:45 GMT
They broke up pretty immediately after I did something nice for them. Like within a day or two. And this was not something like ignoring boundaries overstepping nice. Just, normal things, like helping out when one was overloaded with work or getting another one a modest but thoughtful holiday present. Because the breakup wasn't actually about the gift / nice thing. Then they kept talking to me and hanging out and even hooking up once each before really moving on, which I of course allowed. A third actually took me on a trip because he thought if he did something over the top romantic then he'd force himself to feel how he thought he should by going through the motions (fake it until you make it), then broke up with me when we came back and said he's only attracted to partners who are terrible for him and that I was too good a girlfriend.
The issues were never about me or anything I did. It wasn't even that they didn't like me as a person or care about me. It was about them and us together and our clashing insecurities and needs and attachment styles being incompatible. But I blamed myself and stuck around for it all, because of my own issues at the time.
So, in summary, being hypervigilant won't help you. If the push-pull and anxious-avoidant dynamic is going to tank the relationship, then it will happen no matter what, it's just a matter of when. What will help you is being honest with yourself about your relationship needs and also brutally honest with yourself about if they're currently being fulfilled.
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