Is it possible a DA could be in love & not realise it?

“ It is an American study from the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, which shows that it is not abnormal that there is some form of physical and mental attraction between friends of different sexes .
However, the study shows a discrepancy between what the men believe and what is actually the case. The women are not nearly as often attracted to their male friends as they think. At least not if the women are already in a relationship.”

“ I really don't want to harm what she has with her current boyfriend and child..”

Why / what makes you think, that you have the power to harm her relationship ?

Have you asked her about, what is going on in her life ? What is going on in her relationship with her boyfriend ? (are there any conflicts, unmet needs ect.)

How she is doing?
Have you ever met her boyfriend?

You write, that you are avoidant yourself.

People with dismissive avoidant attatchmentstyle can have a tendency to forget to ask questions ect.

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstyle :

”Challenges in a Relationship:
You may be inaccessible to some extent and withdraw. It can be mental, emotional or physical. Your partner will experience it as being a distance
You suppress your needs - so your partner does not get a clear message about what you want or do not want
You condemn (unconsciously) and distance your partner's needs
You do not necessarily have much empathy, it may be completely lacking
You may despise (unconsciously) your partner's emotional expression. For example, you pull away if your partner cries or is angry. You speak disappointingly about emotional reactions
You are not (completely) up and are (completely) present in the relationship
You may have problems with the contact, such as eye contact or physical touch
You may have difficulty talking about relationships and feelings. You tackle things intellectually / practically instead. You do not say "I love you", but change the headlight of your partner's car or wash her clothes”

”More deactivating strategies that dismissive avoidants can use in love relationships:
When the attatchment system is activated or because of external stress ect.

Levine and Heller have a useful list of distancing behaviors (also called deactivating strategies):
• Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”—but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.
• Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.
• Pining after an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend—( the “phantom ex”— more on this later).
• Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.
• Not saying “I love you”—while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.
• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).
• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married.
• “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.
• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feeling of independence.
• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.”

I’m not sure that there’s much to be gained from this line of inquiry unless it’s for self-understanding.

There are, of course, patterns of relating that often show up in insecure ways of coping, but it’s not really fair to generalize to individuals, and especially not if your hope is to have some set of secret keys to get someone to be different than they are. From a patterning perspective, avoidant coping can show up as not being aware of one’s own feelings and needs, or avoidant of them altogether because of the learned belief that one’s feelings and needs don’t matter, are wrong, or one is weak for having them. Another pattern is what has already been described: some/many avoidantly-coping folks can have the tendency to pull back when big feelings arise (whether romantic or just intense feelings) because it can feel deeply unsafe for them. This applies to their own feelings and those of others, and the result is that they must often create “space” – physical space, emotional space – in order for them to feel safe again. This isn’t wrong – it’s just the most effective way for them to self-regulate. All insecure coping styles have a tendency to try to manage internal dysregulation by attempting to control external factors.

As has been said, it’s really best to take her at her word and try not to second-guess, and it really doesn’t matter why or what the underlying reasons may be. A better approach could be to explore why you feel compelled to not take her at her word.