|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 2, 2018 17:38:07 GMT
So I don't know if anyone else has this experience...but when I try to speak to my ex's behavior, I always seem to justify it as being caused by something I did. I can read and relate to so many experiences that other people have had with exs who displayed either FA or DA attributes and yet...when I ponder on those with my ex, I take responsibility for causing them to happen...I was either too needy or emotional, not rational enough, not attentive enough...the list goes on and on. I know this isn't heathy and it isn't balanced but when I try to even go "there"...take an impartial look at his behaviors...I regress into a little girl who feels ever so protective of him. It is as if I am afraid of truly "seeing" him with faults that were not caused or exasperated by me. The only thing that I can think of is that it wasn't ok to look at my parents as having issues...it was always "my fault" when things went wrong and I have been trying to work under that same model as an adult...and it just does not work...at all. But I am at a loss with how to make a breakthrough because of the fear that rises in me each time I try to look honestly at my ex. Advice is welcome.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2018 21:05:02 GMT
So I don't know if anyone else has this experience...but when I try to speak to my ex's behavior, I always seem to justify it as being caused by something I did. I can read and relate to so many experiences that other people have had with exs who displayed either FA or DA attributes and yet...when I ponder on those with my ex, I take responsibility for causing them to happen...I was either too needy or emotional, not rational enough, not attentive enough...the list goes on and on. I know this isn't heathy and it isn't balanced but when I try to even go "there"...take an impartial look at his behaviors...I regress into a little girl who feels ever so protective of him. It is as if I am afraid of truly "seeing" him with faults that were not caused or exasperated by me. The only thing that I can think of is that it wasn't ok to look at my parents as having issues...it was always "my fault" when things went wrong and I have been trying to work under that same model as an adult...and it just does not work...at all. But I am at a loss with how to make a breakthrough because of the fear that rises in me each time I try to look honestly at my ex. Advice is welcome. What you describe is common. I think we are sometimes prone to take the blame because if it is "something I did" it puts the control back in our hands. We might reason, "If it was something I did, then it is something I can fix and if I fix it then everything will be ok again." There is nothing wrong with owning up to our own part in any situation. But most people know deep down when they have truly done something wrong or not. You can take ownership of the things you feel you would like to change, but allow your partner to take ownership of their own stuff. In a way taking all the blame is reinforcing the negative behavior, on both sides. For the avoidant it teaches them that they can do whatever they want to you good or bad and even YOU will justify it. For the anxious it teaches you that in a way you can control other people and get what you want by taking the blame EVEN when you KNOW it isn't all your fault. It is being dishonest with self. Deep down you know it can't all be your fault all of the time. You are right, it isn't healthy. This is how many people become entrapped in abusive relationships. And let me tell you, THAT is a slippery slope. I was once married to a man who was becoming increasingly hostile but thankfully I was secure enough to say NO, I will not take the blame for your poor coping skills. He left because he knew I wasn't going to put up with that violence crap. My recent ex may have distanced himself for the same reason, I wasn't going to put up with a wishy-washy partner forever. I love my ex, I've said it a million times, I'd say it a million more. I realize the has issues, but I am not to blame for his inability to connect on a deeper emotional level. I don't think he is all bad or a waste of space but me trying to do HIS work is a waste of my time. Not all my reactions to things that went on in our relationship were perfect and sometimes things I said or did were hurtful and I CAN and did apologize sincerely for where I saw myself slipping but I CAN'T control whether he accepts that apology or not. I CAN make him aware of attachment style but I CAN'T force him to do anything about it. I CAN love him but I CAN'T make him love me back. You are doing well identifying and caring for your emotional needs. Change is good when we recognize we need to, but our effort alone will not a healthy relationship make. It takes two. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 2, 2018 23:14:18 GMT
So I don't know if anyone else has this experience...but when I try to speak to my ex's behavior, I always seem to justify it as being caused by something I did. I can read and relate to so many experiences that other people have had with exs who displayed either FA or DA attributes and yet...when I ponder on those with my ex, I take responsibility for causing them to happen...I was either too needy or emotional, not rational enough, not attentive enough...the list goes on and on. I know this isn't heathy and it isn't balanced but when I try to even go "there"...take an impartial look at his behaviors...I regress into a little girl who feels ever so protective of him. It is as if I am afraid of truly "seeing" him with faults that were not caused or exasperated by me. The only thing that I can think of is that it wasn't ok to look at my parents as having issues...it was always "my fault" when things went wrong and I have been trying to work under that same model as an adult...and it just does not work...at all. But I am at a loss with how to make a breakthrough because of the fear that rises in me each time I try to look honestly at my ex. Advice is welcome. What you describe is common. I think we are sometimes prone to take the blame because if it is "something I did" it puts the control back in our hands. We might reason, "If it was something I did, then it is something I can fix and if I fix it then everything will be ok again." There is nothing wrong with owning up to our own part in any situation. But most people know deep down when they have truly done something wrong or not. You can take ownership of the things you feel you would like to change, but allow your partner to take ownership of their own stuff. In a way taking all the blame is reinforcing the negative behavior, on both sides. For the avoidant it teaches them that they can do whatever they want to you good or bad and even YOU will justify it. For the anxious it teaches you that in a way you can control other people and get what you want by taking the blame EVEN when you KNOW it isn't all your fault. It is being dishonest with self. Deep down you know it can't all be your fault all of the time. You are right, it isn't healthy. This is how many people become entrapped in abusive relationships. And let me tell you, THAT is a slippery slope. I was once married to a man who was becoming increasingly hostile but thankfully I was secure enough to say NO, I will not take the blame for your poor coping skills. He left because he knew I wasn't going to put up with that violence crap. My recent ex may have distanced himself for the same reason, I wasn't going to put up with a wishy-washy partner forever. I love my ex, I've said it a million times, I'd say it a million more. I realize the has issues, but I am not to blame for his inability to connect on a deeper emotional level. I don't think he is all bad or a waste of space but me trying to do HIS work is a waste of my time. Not all my reactions to things that went on in our relationship were perfect and sometimes things I said or did were hurtful and I CAN and did apologize sincerely for where I saw myself slipping but I CAN'T control whether he accepts that apology or not. I CAN make him aware of attachment style but I CAN'T force him to do anything about it. I CAN love him but I CAN'T make him love me back. You are doing well identifying and caring for your emotional needs. Change is good when we recognize we need to, but our effort alone will not a healthy relationship make. It takes two. Thank you for responding in a non judgemental way. Today has been especially hard...I read all these posts and think....I could have acted differently, I could have given him more space...it could have worked out if I had just been a bit more something and a bit less something else....but I know that is just feeding the cycle of feeling not good enough and looking to someone else to make me feel differently. So I will own it...I will sit in the discomfort of it all....I will feel the loss and the hope and recognize that nothing will ultimately change the outcome if I can't find a balance between truly loving myself while loving the other person as separate from me. When you truly love someone, it costs you....you are risking loss and grief...but it sure beats the alternative. Still working at it.  |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2018 0:05:51 GMT
What you describe is common. I think we are sometimes prone to take the blame because if it is "something I did" it puts the control back in our hands. We might reason, "If it was something I did, then it is something I can fix and if I fix it then everything will be ok again." There is nothing wrong with owning up to our own part in any situation. But most people know deep down when they have truly done something wrong or not. You can take ownership of the things you feel you would like to change, but allow your partner to take ownership of their own stuff. In a way taking all the blame is reinforcing the negative behavior, on both sides. For the avoidant it teaches them that they can do whatever they want to you good or bad and even YOU will justify it. For the anxious it teaches you that in a way you can control other people and get what you want by taking the blame EVEN when you KNOW it isn't all your fault. It is being dishonest with self. Deep down you know it can't all be your fault all of the time. You are right, it isn't healthy. This is how many people become entrapped in abusive relationships. And let me tell you, THAT is a slippery slope. I was once married to a man who was becoming increasingly hostile but thankfully I was secure enough to say NO, I will not take the blame for your poor coping skills. He left because he knew I wasn't going to put up with that violence crap. My recent ex may have distanced himself for the same reason, I wasn't going to put up with a wishy-washy partner forever. I love my ex, I've said it a million times, I'd say it a million more. I realize the has issues, but I am not to blame for his inability to connect on a deeper emotional level. I don't think he is all bad or a waste of space but me trying to do HIS work is a waste of my time. Not all my reactions to things that went on in our relationship were perfect and sometimes things I said or did were hurtful and I CAN and did apologize sincerely for where I saw myself slipping but I CAN'T control whether he accepts that apology or not. I CAN make him aware of attachment style but I CAN'T force him to do anything about it. I CAN love him but I CAN'T make him love me back. You are doing well identifying and caring for your emotional needs. Change is good when we recognize we need to, but our effort alone will not a healthy relationship make. It takes two. Thank you for responding in a non judgemental way. Today has been especially hard...I read all these posts and think....I could have acted differently, I could have given him more space...it could have worked out if I had just been a bit more something and a bit less something else....but I know that is just feeding the cycle of feeling not good enough and looking to someone else to make me feel differently. So I will own it...I will sit in the discomfort of it all....I will feel the loss and the hope and recognize that nothing will ultimately change the outcome if I can't find a balance between truly loving myself while loving the other person as separate from me. When you truly love someone, it costs you....you are risking loss and grief...but it sure beats the alternative. Still working at it. I'm sorry you've had a bad day. It does hurt, so much. Yes relationships are always a risk. I wish it didn't have to be, but it is. You don't know what you don't know. You could have done everything perfectly and it wouldn't have changed how your partner acted. There is nothing wrong what is natural in a relationship. Jeb's book is wonderful but I often reccommend the book Attached by Amir Levine. It changed my life! Might be a good read for you too. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 3, 2018 1:01:03 GMT
Thank you for responding in a non judgemental way. Today has been especially hard...I read all these posts and think....I could have acted differently, I could have given him more space...it could have worked out if I had just been a bit more something and a bit less something else....but I know that is just feeding the cycle of feeling not good enough and looking to someone else to make me feel differently. So I will own it...I will sit in the discomfort of it all....I will feel the loss and the hope and recognize that nothing will ultimately change the outcome if I can't find a balance between truly loving myself while loving the other person as separate from me. When you truly love someone, it costs you....you are risking loss and grief...but it sure beats the alternative. Still working at it. I'm sorry you've had a bad day. It does hurt, so much. Yes relationships are always a risk. I wish it didn't have to be, but it is. You don't know what you don't know. You could have done everything perfectly and it wouldn't have changed how your partner acted. There is nothing wrong what is natural in a relationship. Jeb's book is wonderful but I often reccommend the book Attached by Amir Levine. It changed my life! Might be a good read for you too. A good friend f mine just called and she said in the right relationship...it is very hard to mess it up....because the other person is just as committed to you as you are to him/her. My brain doesn't compute that...I am so used to having to work extra hard to win and then keep a relationship. i think what is making today a bit extra hard is that I spent NYE with him last year and I am just missing his presence a bit more than normal. I read Attached and I really enjoyed it...but I will admit I wasn't reading it to understand myself but to try to understand my ex in hope that I could win him back. I think my road to recovery has to be an honest perspective on my role versus his role in our relationship. I have to realize, as you said, that even if I had done everything perfectly...it would not have changed the outcome because he had not changed. In truth...he had been expressing doubts throughout our relationship...at month 3, 4, 6, 7, 9 and 10. I had felt responsible for him even having doubts...but maybe the doubts were just part of him being in a relationship. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 3, 2018 12:19:39 GMT
Hey Foggyfroggy...I read in the poll section that you were lied to...I was never lied to...my ex was honest to a fault. I said "I love you" the very first day and he said " I love you as a friend"...it took 3 months and an almost breakup for him to actually say "I love you". I looked back over my journal and I see pages of me trying to speak rationally to myself while my AP attachment system is going off. I don't see anything that was bad on his side...he did distance....usually after we spent several nights together. I guess I wanted to feel secure in the relationship...but I never did...and how can he be blamed for me not feeling secure.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2018 17:58:48 GMT
Hey Foggyfroggy...I read in the poll section that you were lied to...I was never lied to...my ex was honest to a fault. I said "I love you" the very first day and he said " I love you as a friend"...it took 3 months and an almost breakup for him to actually say "I love you". I looked back over my journal and I see pages of me trying to speak rationally to myself while my AP attachment system is going off. I don't see anything that was bad on his side...he did distance....usually after we spent several nights together. I guess I wanted to feel secure in the relationship...but I never did...and how can he be blamed for me not feeling secure. Here is one definition of the phrase 'lie by omission': Lying by omission, otherwise known as exclusionary detailing, is lying by either omitting certain facts or by failing to correct a misconception. My ex told me just enough truth to raise more questions. This, for me, was crazy making. I was planning to spend my life with someone and I didn't really know what was real and what was not. I don't know, maybe he didn't either. When someone says to me, "I was trying not to hurt your feelings" after you learn the fill story, in my mind that translates to, " I was lying to you so that I could get what I wanted but you wouldn't think I was the bad guy." It's a selfish act. The flat out truth, would have hurt far less. I think what people address on this board a lot, and what brings most people here is their experience with an avoidant partner. But your issue is that you see yourself to be anxious and you see the damage that your anxious reactions have on your relationships and you want to change that. Am I correct? I don't know your ex, he could have very well been secure. Sometimes even secure people will require a bit of distance to re-group. This doesn't mean they are completely avoidant. So I think I am beginning to understand where you are coming from and I'm glad you are here because it would be easy to justify anxious behavior by blaming and labeling someone else as avoidant. I can't write about it now, but I have a good example of re-action vrs. action to share with you. It involves one of the most anxious people in my life who I am very close to. My younger sister. I will create a different thread for that on the Anxious board later today. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 4, 2018 1:30:18 GMT
Hey Foggyfroggy...I read in the poll section that you were lied to...I was never lied to...my ex was honest to a fault. I said "I love you" the very first day and he said " I love you as a friend"...it took 3 months and an almost breakup for him to actually say "I love you". I looked back over my journal and I see pages of me trying to speak rationally to myself while my AP attachment system is going off. I don't see anything that was bad on his side...he did distance....usually after we spent several nights together. I guess I wanted to feel secure in the relationship...but I never did...and how can he be blamed for me not feeling secure. Here is one definition of the phrase 'lie by omission': Lying by omission, otherwise known as exclusionary detailing, is lying by either omitting certain facts or by failing to correct a misconception. My ex told me just enough truth to raise more questions. This, for me, was crazy making. I was planning to spend my life with someone and I didn't really know what was real and what was not. I don't know, maybe he didn't either. When someone says to me, "I was trying not to hurt your feelings" after you learn the fill story, in my mind that translates to, " I was lying to you so that I could get what I wanted but you wouldn't think I was the bad guy." It's a selfish act. The flat out truth, would have hurt far less. I think what people address on this board a lot, and what brings most people here is their experience with an avoidant partner. But your issue is that you see yourself to be anxious and you see the damage that your anxious reactions have on your relationships and you want to change that. Am I correct? I don't know your ex, he could have very well been secure. Sometimes even secure people will require a bit of distance to re-group. This doesn't mean they are completely avoidant. So I think I am beginning to understand where you are coming from and I'm glad you are here because it would be easy to justify anxious behavior by blaming and labeling someone else as avoidant. I can't write about it now, but I have a good example of re-action vrs. action to share with you. It involves one of the most anxious people in my life who I am very close to. My younger sister. I will create a different thread for that on the Anxious board later today. My ex is not secure...I know that....others know that....but I am not here for him...because to do that is to slip back into my normal pattern of behavior. This morning I feeling sad again...and I simply told myself "Obviously, I am not done grieving". I don't know how long this process will take...how many times I will revert to old patterns of behavior.....but I am trying to be aware...I am trying to learn how to self love while I still feel "responsible" for what went wrong. It is where I am right now. |
|
