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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 0:04:38 GMT
I was speaking to another member earlier today and I told her I wanted to relate an experience I had with a sibling of mine who is very anxiously attached, at least with me. And how re-acting is usually not as beneficial as acting in any given situation. This is one essential key to becoming more secure as an anxiously attached individual. Maybe for those of you who are it will help you see things from a different perspective.
I live near the coast. In the summer on weekends I find myself driving down the coast or at the beach quite often. When I go to there I usually don't have a signal, my mobile network just doesn't work out there. One such weekend my sister called me (We'll call her Peggy). I had no idea she had called until I returned to town. Once I saw that she had called (no message was left) I immediately called her back the following conversation ensued:
"Hey Peggy, I just saw that you called. What's up!"
"I tried to call you but you didn't pick up."
"Yeah, I was out at the beach with friends. I don't have a signal out there."
"Oh! You didn't pick up and then the next time I called it went straight to voicemail so I thought you had blocked me."
"Ah! Maybe it went to voicemail because I did put it in airplane mode because my battery was about to die and I didn't have a charge with me. My friend has an iphone so her charger doesn't work on my phone."
"Oh. I was really upset. I went and vented to mom and dad about it and told them how upset I was with you and that you had no right to block me and that you were mean. I was SO mad." she said with a giggle, I guess a giggle of relief that it wasn't at all what she thought.
"But I didn't block you. And I'm not mean. I went to the beach."
"Oh great! Now I just found out that mom called Jack (that's what I'll call my brother) and told him all about it. I don't know why she can't just keep her mouth shut."
"Well, someone needs to call him back and straighten things out please."
"Yeah. I don't know why she always has to tell other people what I say. Anyway the reason I called was..." ( I honestly don't remember but it wasn't an emergency situation I do remember that).
I was quite I didn't quite know what to say in that moment.
"Froggy, are you there you got quiet."
"Peggy i'm feeling a bit hurt right now. I went to the beach and couldn't answer the call and in the few hours in between you talked badly about me to mom and dad and it even got to Jack somehow. Now you want me to be upset with mom about something you said to her about me."
" I know. I'm sorry that's why I am telling you now."
"But do you understand how hurtful that is. I go to the beach don't answer the phone in the time-frame that you deem suitable and your first reaction is to speak badly of me to mom and dad. You know mom can't keep anything to herself, so then Jack is thinking badly of me and all I did was go to the beach. It didn't even seem to cross your mind that I live in the country and that I didn't have signal, or that I might have been on the toilet or hurt or my battery dead, at the movies or at the beach. No, I was automatically mad at you and treating you badly. What does that tell me about what you think of me?"
"I know I'm sorry. So what do you have going on the rest of the day?"
"Peggy, I love you but I am upset right now. I need to go. I will call you in a couple of days, but right now I need some time to myself."
"Ok." she said very sad.
Re-action is insecure and looks like the above.
I know my sister is insecure. So as someone typically secure I understand that she needs re-assurance and it isn't a big deal to me to give it. She re-acted and the very thing she feared, became somewhat of a reality for her. It made me even require some distance to process it all.
I did call back in about two days. I reassured her that I do love her and I told her that, as a general rule, if I ever don't answer or text back it is because I either can't or I haven't seen that you have called yet. But when I've seen that you contacted me and I am available, I will contact you.
I didn't allow her to make me feel guilty about something over which I had no control. I expressed my feelings clearly. I asked for what I needed in that moment.
My asking for space was not being avoidant it was acting in a way that would protect both her feelings and mine until I could readress the situation in a better frame of mind. We have to allow people to walk away from an argument to collect their thoughts. Forcing a conversation when emotions are running high will get you no where fast and do so much more damage. I didn't have to re-assure her I could have ghosted her or blown up on her but I didn't I understood she was, for whatever reason, feeling very anxious that day.
Peggy re-acted. She didn't' give much thought to logic. She assumed the worst and re-acted as if what she feared had already happened. She felt all the anger and pain of something that hadn't even taken place. That re-action did not yield the results she had hoped for.
Had Peggy taken the time to stop and reason things out, taking into account what I usually do, she could have acted in a way that would have eventually given her the re-assurance that she needed to calm her anxious fears.
Action is secure. In this case action would have looked like this:
"Hmm. That's odd, Froggy isn't answering her phone. She usually does. I hope she's ok. She's usually busy on the weekends too. Well, if I don't here back from her by tonight I will give her a call in the morning."
Two hours later...
"Hey Peggy, I just saw that you called. What's up!"
"I tried to call you but you didn't pick up. Everything ok?"
"Yeah, I was out at the beach with friends. I don't have a signal out there."
"Oh ok, that's good. Hey I was calling you to tell you..."
See the difference a few minutes of logical contemplation can make. When we re-act anxiously we usually get exactly the opposite of what it is we desire.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 4, 2018 0:55:44 GMT
So here is one of my journal entries....9:49 am I am totally not over the wounds from my past. I sent T a text at 9:12 am and he hasn't responded yet and I am crying. My mind goes to too many negative thoughts. I realize that going to bed at midnight was a bad idea. Since my feelings cannot be trusted right now, I will trust that T has a good reason for not replying yet. Writing out my negative thoughts "he is tired of you" "there is someone else" "you have lost him" " he doesn't want you" these are all from my abandonment story. 10:30 am I put the phone in my bedroom. There is no point having it close because I will drive myself nuts and I need to "trust" that T is focused elsewhere and not ignoring or punishing me. 10:55 am I just checked and there is still no response from T and a thought flashes through my head...he wants to break up with me. I don't have anything to base this on but I am already reacting to it. Gosh, I did not expect this to bother me so much. I did not expect to have such an emotional reaction. I don't even know T's schedule. He could be busy at work or out with a friend. I am failing. I brought the phone back into the main room. I can't stop crying. So, I realize this morning was not a good choice to send T a text. He still hasn't responded. So he is either 1. Spending the day with a friend or 2. Busy at work. I have determined that he is not ignoring my text or planning to break up with me because he responded to a text a couple of days ago. This is a test of trust. After all, this is not the first time that I haven't heard back from T, usually it means he is busy. I am so grateful for T. T responded at 1:18 pm.
My ex never saw or read my journals...and you can see the lengths I would go to in order to talk down my anxiety. I wanted to share this because I used a lot of self talk and I never took my anxiety out on my ex...I always tried to work through it with journaling or my friends.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 1:24:45 GMT
So here is one of my journal entries....9:49 am I am totally not over the wounds from my past. I sent T a text at 9:12 am and he hasn't responded yet and I am crying. My mind goes to too many negative thoughts. I realize that going to bed at midnight was a bad idea. Since my feelings cannot be trusted right now, I will trust that T has a good reason for not replying yet. Writing out my negative thoughts "he is tired of you" "there is someone else" "you have lost him" " he doesn't want you" these are all from my abandonment story. 10:30 am I put the phone in my bedroom. There is no point having it close because I will drive myself nuts and I need to "trust" that T is focused elsewhere and not ignoring or punishing me. 10:55 am I just checked and there is still no response from T and a thought flashes through my head...he wants to break up with me. I don't have anything to base this on but I am already reacting to it. Gosh, I did not expect this to bother me so much. I did not expect to have such an emotional reaction. I don't even know T's schedule. He could be busy at work or out with a friend. I am failing. I brought the phone back into the main room. I can't stop crying. So, I realize this morning was not a good choice to send T a text. He still hasn't responded. So he is either 1. Spending the day with a friend or 2. Busy at work. I have determined that he is not ignoring my text or planning to break up with me because he responded to a text a couple of days ago. This is a test of trust. After all, this is not the first time that I haven't heard back from T, usually it means he is busy. I am so grateful for T. T responded at 1:18 pm. My ex never saw or read my journals...and you can see the lengths I would go to in order to talk down my anxiety. I wanted to share this because I used a lot of self talk and I never took my anxiety out on my ex...I always tried to work through it with journaling or my friends. This is excellent!!! I can respond more later if that's ok. I have to head out now. You did good! |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 17:38:35 GMT
So here is one of my journal entries....9:49 am I am totally not over the wounds from my past. I sent T a text at 9:12 am and he hasn't responded yet and I am crying. (Total Time elapsed:37 minutes) My mind goes to too many negative thoughts. I realize that going to bed at midnight was a bad idea. Since my feelings cannot be trusted right now, I will trust that T has a good reason for not replying yet. (It is very kind and loving to give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible) Writing out my negative thoughts "he is tired of you" "there is someone else" "you have lost him" " he doesn't want you" these are all from my abandonment story. (If this is how you choose to use the time in between contacts, then perhaps along with every negative theory right a positive fact, don't dwell only on the negative is the point) 10:30 am I put the phone in my bedroom. (41 min. have passed-Total Time elapsed:1 hour, 18 minutes) There is no point having it close because I will drive myself nuts and I need to "trust" that T is focused elsewhere (Doesn't mean he will be focused on that forever and forget all about you, just mean that other things, other than you, require and deserve some of his focus some of the time. That's healthy, that's normal) and not ignoring or punishing me. (Most likely just busy. I find guys tend to check their phones much less than women do, FYI. It isn't anything personal) 10:55 am I just checked and there is still no response from T and a thought flashes through my head...he wants to break up with me. I don't have anything to base this on but I am already reacting to it. Gosh, I did not expect this to bother me so much. I did not expect to have such an emotional reaction. I don't even know T's schedule. He could be busy at work or out with a friend. I am failing. (Not failing! Succeeding. Keeping feelings in check, assessing what you feel in the moment, not sending a million followup texts, not reacting to you anxious thoughts. Suffering a little to avoid suffering a lot. Self regulation! Thoughts don't cause damage, (re)ACTIONS do. HIGH FIVE! SUCCESS!) I brought the phone back into the main room. I can 't stop crying. (25 min. have passed - Total Time elapsed:1 hour, 43 minutes) So, I realize this morning was not a good choice to send T a text. He still hasn't responded. So he is either 1. Spending the day with a friend or 2. Busy at work. I have determined that he is not ignoring my text or planning to break up with me because he responded to a text a couple of days ago. This is a test of trust. After all, this is not the first time that I haven't heard back from T, usually it means he is busy. I am so grateful for T. T responded at 1:18 pm. (2 hours, 23 min. have passed - Total time elapsed: 4 hours, 6 minutes)I put my thoughts along side your journal entry. I can see it was a fight for you, but anxiety, I have found for myself, is akin to what I imagine withdrawal form an addictive substance might be like. fighting the desire to DO SOMETHING TO STOP IT is really HARD. Over all 4 hours is not a long time. What did you do to fill your time while you struggled with this? Journaling obviously, but do you have any hobbies that you enjoy? Are there places you can get out and walk? Do you swim? In that time you could have watched at least 2 hilarious movies. The point is get busy with your own life while he is busy with his. You will feel rewarded, empowered! Now is the time to think about your coping strategies, have them in place so that next time the anxiety comes you can make the best use of those 4 hours. Confidence is SO, SO attractive! People flock to confident people. A relationship is two lives that cooperate together. Ask yourself, what am I bringing to the table? Know your own truth. So while he is out there not thinking about you for a while, you be out there not thinking about him for a while too. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 4, 2018 18:04:45 GMT
So here is one of my journal entries....9:49 am I am totally not over the wounds from my past. I sent T a text at 9:12 am and he hasn't responded yet and I am crying. (Total Time elapsed:37 minutes) My mind goes to too many negative thoughts. I realize that going to bed at midnight was a bad idea. Since my feelings cannot be trusted right now, I will trust that T has a good reason for not replying yet. (It is very kind and loving to give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible) Writing out my negative thoughts "he is tired of you" "there is someone else" "you have lost him" " he doesn't want you" these are all from my abandonment story. (If this is how you choose to use the time in between contacts, then perhaps along with every negative theory right a positive fact, don't dwell only on the negative is the point) 10:30 am I put the phone in my bedroom. (41 min. have passed-Total Time elapsed:1 hour, 18 minutes) There is no point having it close because I will drive myself nuts and I need to "trust" that T is focused elsewhere (Doesn't mean he will be focused on that forever and forget all about you, just mean that other things, other than you, require and deserve some of his focus some of the time. That's healthy, that's normal) and not ignoring or punishing me. (Most likely just busy. I find guys tend to check their phones much less than women do, FYI. It isn't anything personal) 10:55 am I just checked and there is still no response from T and a thought flashes through my head...he wants to break up with me. I don't have anything to base this on but I am already reacting to it. Gosh, I did not expect this to bother me so much. I did not expect to have such an emotional reaction. I don't even know T's schedule. He could be busy at work or out with a friend. I am failing. (Not failing! Succeeding. Keeping feelings in check, assessing what you feel in the moment, not sending a million followup texts, not reacting to you anxious thoughts. Suffering a little to avoid suffering a lot. Self regulation! Thoughts don't cause damage, (re)ACTIONS do. HIGH FIVE! SUCCESS!) I brought the phone back into the main room. I can 't stop crying. (25 min. have passed - Total Time elapsed:1 hour, 43 minutes) So, I realize this morning was not a good choice to send T a text. He still hasn't responded. So he is either 1. Spending the day with a friend or 2. Busy at work. I have determined that he is not ignoring my text or planning to break up with me because he responded to a text a couple of days ago. This is a test of trust. After all, this is not the first time that I haven't heard back from T, usually it means he is busy. I am so grateful for T. T responded at 1:18 pm. (2 hours, 23 min. have passed - Total time elapsed: 4 hours, 6 minutes)I put my thoughts along side your journal entry. I can see it was a fight for you, but anxiety, I have found for myself, is akin to what I imagine withdrawal form an addictive substance might be like. fighting the desire to DO SOMETHING TO STOP IT is really HARD. Over all 4 hours is not a long time. What did you do to fill your time while you struggled with this? Journaling obviously, but do you have any hobbies that you enjoy? Are there places you can get out and walk? Do you swim? In that time you could have watched at least 2 hilarious movies. The point is get busy with your own life while he is busy with his. You will feel rewarded, empowered! Now is the time to think about your coping strategies, have them in place so that next time the anxiety comes you can make the best use of those 4 hours. Confidence is SO, SO attractive! People flock to confident people. A relationship is two lives that cooperate together. Ask yourself, what am I bringing to the table? Know your own truth. So while he is out there not thinking about you for a while, you be out there not thinking about him for a while too. I appreciate the feedback...he broke up with me at the end of last April...so I cannot really apply your suggestions with him. Right now...I am simply trying to sit with myself.....I think activities are great, as long as you can really commit to them and are not just avoiding the pain of the anxiety...aka being busy for the sake of busyness. The anxiety needs to be addressed...in a loving and accepting way..yes...but that is where it all must start. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 18:25:54 GMT
I appreciate the feedback...he broke up with me at the end of last April...so I cannot really apply your suggestions with him. Right now...I am simply trying to sit with myself.....I think activities are great, as long as you can really commit to them and are not just avoiding the pain of the anxiety...aka being busy for the sake of busyness. The anxiety needs to be addressed...in a loving and accepting way..yes...but that is where it all must start. No, you are right, feelings must be addressed and you are doing that. But while you are doing that activities can be a good refreshing break from the heaviness of addressing emotional trauma. One needs to have a healthy way to escape it for a little while. Activities give one a scene of purpose. They help one to move on, be less preoccupied. It gives one a sense of control over their own world. For example, my ex and I shared a common love for singing. We both use an app and can see each other's activity. I feel that this conflicts with his request for no contact. So, I have yielded to his request. He didn't ask me to stop using the app, it is what I chose to do in order to move on and let him be in peace. But have given up what I love while I'v been dealing with my feelings? NO WAY! I found a local vocal coach and now I go to singing lessons once a week, something I wouldn't have done had this situation not occures, but you know what, it is one of the positives out of this. I love my lessons, I look forward to them each week. It is a confidence booster when your teacher helps you to sing better than you ever could have playing around on an app. And suggests that you join the chior at the local university. That makes me feel great! Activities for the sake of healing, changing negative thought patterns. instead of feeling like "He will leave me" you can feel like "I'm actually an amazing person, it would be a shame if he left!" AP = Anxious PREOCCUPIED. You get to choose what you are preoccupied with. Right now you are focused on yourself and the reason why you feel what you feel, but getting busy will allow you to know. REALLY KNOW who you are so that you can recognize who actually belongs in your life and who doesn't. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 4, 2018 18:44:42 GMT
No, you are right, feelings must be addressed and you are doing that. But while you are doing that activities can be a good refreshing break from the heaviness of addressing emotional trauma. One needs to have a healthy way to escape it for a little while. Activities give one a scene of purpose. They help one to move on, be less preoccupied. It gives one a sense of control over their own world. For example, my ex and I shared a common love for singing. We both use an app and can see each other's activity. I feel that this conflicts with his request for no contact. So, I have yielded to his request. He didn't ask me to stop using the app, it is what I chose to do in order to move on and let him be in peace. But have given up what I love while I'v been dealing with my feelings? NO WAY! I found a local vocal coach and now I go to singing lessons once a week, something I wouldn't have done had this situation not occures, but you know what, it is one of the positives out of this. I love my lessons, I look forward to them each week. It is a confidence booster when your teacher helps you to sing better than you ever could have playing around on an app. And suggests that you join the chior at the local university. That makes me feel great! Activities for the sake of healing, changing negative thought patterns. instead of feeling like "He will leave me" you can feel like "I'm actually an amazing person, it would be a shame if he left!" AP = Anxious PREOCCUPIED. You get to choose what you are preoccupied with. Right now you are focused on yourself and the reason why you feel what you feel, but getting busy will allow you to know. REALLY KNOW who you are so that you can recognize who actually belongs in your life and who doesn't. I volunteer with my church's singles group as the newcomer lead. I love meeting new people and introducing them to our community. It was at this group that I met my ex. When he broke up, I asked if he could not attend and thought it wasn't a big deal because he did not attend while we were dating. However, around September he started to inquire about coming back and at first, he honored my request for more time...but then he said...it's been 6 months....so we agreed he would help me with a task so we could see each other one on one first. He came over the week of Thanksgiving and we slipped into old patterns of being with each other...which fed into my hope for us getting back together...until he drew a pretty serious boundary. Needless to say after that happened...i was back to the same feelings as when he first broke up with me. I know he is coming to our group that meets in a couple of weeks and I am trying to decide whether I can stay or whether I will need to step down from my role that I love. I have never maintained contact with an ex before and this is new territory. Given my AP....I am not sure it will be good for me to be around him every week. Just being honest. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2018 19:19:20 GMT
No, you are right, feelings must be addressed and you are doing that. But while you are doing that activities can be a good refreshing break from the heaviness of addressing emotional trauma. One needs to have a healthy way to escape it for a little while. Activities give one a scene of purpose. They help one to move on, be less preoccupied. It gives one a sense of control over their own world. For example, my ex and I shared a common love for singing. We both use an app and can see each other's activity. I feel that this conflicts with his request for no contact. So, I have yielded to his request. He didn't ask me to stop using the app, it is what I chose to do in order to move on and let him be in peace. But have given up what I love while I'v been dealing with my feelings? NO WAY! I found a local vocal coach and now I go to singing lessons once a week, something I wouldn't have done had this situation not occures, but you know what, it is one of the positives out of this. I love my lessons, I look forward to them each week. It is a confidence booster when your teacher helps you to sing better than you ever could have playing around on an app. And suggests that you join the chior at the local university. That makes me feel great! Activities for the sake of healing, changing negative thought patterns. instead of feeling like "He will leave me" you can feel like "I'm actually an amazing person, it would be a shame if he left!" AP = Anxious PREOCCUPIED. You get to choose what you are preoccupied with. Right now you are focused on yourself and the reason why you feel what you feel, but getting busy will allow you to know. REALLY KNOW who you are so that you can recognize who actually belongs in your life and who doesn't. I volunteer with my church's singles group as the newcomer lead. I love meeting new people and introducing them to our community. It was at this group that I met my ex. When he broke up, I asked if he could not attend and thought it wasn't a big deal because he did not attend while we were dating. However, around September he started to inquire about coming back and at first, he honored my request for more time...but then he said...it's been 6 months....so we agreed he would help me with a task so we could see each other one on one first. He came over the week of Thanksgiving and we slipped into old patterns of being with each other...which fed into my hope for us getting back together...until he drew a pretty serious boundary. Needless to say after that happened...i was back to the same feelings as when he first broke up with me. I know he is coming to our group that meets in a couple of weeks and I am trying to decide whether I can stay or whether I will need to step down from my role that I love. I have never maintained contact with an ex before and this is new territory. Given my AP....I am not sure it will be good for me to be around him every week. Just being honest. It is SO important to be honest. You are responsible to take care of you. You know, alcoholics, once they become sober, are honest with themselves and admit that they are still alcoholics, they can't even touch the stuff for the risk of back sliding.This isn't weakness, it takes strength to take a stand. I'm earned secure as you know, so my view is once and anxious always an anxious ( although I think I may border on Fearful- avoidant when triggered). I remain secure by being aware of the red flags and triggers. Had I acted according to knowledge, I probably wouldn't have hurt so badly over the past year. I got back on the wagon. But I've been through the "12 steps" as it were so I know what to do to get back on track. It may not be a good idea for you to see him every week. I think until you feel ambivalent toward him, it may best to stay away. If its something you are not willing to give up then is there any way you can work out and every other week schedule where you take turns. In my church, I've heard the expression "A sacrifice isn't really a sacrifice if it doesn't hurt little". It hurts to give up something you love, but perhaps this activity is a sacrifice you will have to make for yourself in order to heal properly. You are a church goer, make sure to pray about it. |
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