To all APs who want to heal...let's share what we are doing.

Here's my process that's 3-pronged: me, him, us.

*ME*

1. Regain a sense of agency and self. I AM AWESOME. and whoever doesn't want to step up to the plate doesn't deserve a piece of this - no matter how amazing they are (when they choose to be). Accept this as truth.
2. Know when you're being needy versus you have unmet needs. THIS IS CRUCIAL. This will keep you sane and in perspective.
3. Have a friend who is calm in nature and tell you when you're being an idiot. Again, this will keep you sane and in perspective.
4. Educate yourself, not only on DAs, but on yourself. Google the crap out of "how to be secure". Follow it.


*US*

1. Accept that relationships can end, and I can form new ones. Understand and accept that nobody else will love and know you in the way he/she can, but other people WILL love and know you in ways he/she cannot.
2. Understand and accept the fact that you can love someone and not live with them. as much as that huurrrrrtssssss. >> been through quite a few of these in terms of relocating, summer flings, etc, and it's become easier over time to accept this.



*HIM*

1. Do your work, and see if they do theirs. If they don't, that's on them. If they're willing to, ok we can work together. if not, hey, spent too much time working on myself to waste it on you. it doesn't matter how much of a connection there is, if the connection is there only for 2 days a month. Not paying me enough in cash and kind to accept this sort of labour.
2. Communicate with them and see how they respond. Do not fully believe what you see. Positive responses do not mean it'll translate into positive behavior. Negative responses do not necessarily mean they didn't hear what you said and took it seriously.
3. Absolutely do not take it for granted what they say - look at what they do. At the same time, do not hold what they do to an extremely strict standard. > this is so hard for me.

At the end of the day, it is about understanding and accepting that things do not always work out and it is not your fault. accepting that the relationship can fail (and you're willing to let it fail) releases alot of the pressure we put ourselves under. when there is less of this pressure, we act better and more securely, and the relationship can truly have a shot at improving. at the same time, accept that it takes two hands to clap. This is the process that is much more crucial, for me, to moving on and working on being secure. Simply accept and release that pressure to avoid abandonment.

Thanks for your input, everyone!

Being single, I have also invested quite a lot in doing things for myself. I go to the gym twice a week, I run/ski/hike (depending on the season) 2-4 times a week. I study on the side (psychology!), I learn foreign languages, I travel on my own quite a lot (this is usually what brings me the most joy). All of these activities do indeed make me feel better, but I'm not sure if this is directly related to self-esteem. It feels good, I worry less, I'm generally happier when I keep myself busy, but deep down....whenever I meet someone new (dating situation), the anxiety can resurface very quickly. If someone is disapoointed in me/criticizes me at work or otherwise, I plunge back. So I'm still dependent on external validation. It feels like I am back to where I started. The activities I described and that I do for myself usually don't involve other people, so there are no "risks". They are safe in the way that they are disconnected from external validation.

I've also been in therapy for many years, and have taken up meditation recently.

Lately, I've become more interested in the concept of "reparenting". This is what some psychotherapists do. You can partially do it on your own through "inner child/adult self" dialogs. Since what we deal with is very deep, it makes sense to try and become our own parent, who gives us unconditional love and acceptance. I'm not sure that the types of activities which keep us from worrying/thinking too much address this core issue. They alleviate the pain in a healthy way, they are probably necessary, but are ultimately not enough. At least this is how it feels to me.