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Post by gaynxious on Jan 6, 2018 20:35:50 GMT
So I'm moderately AP and my ex was extremely DA. I rember hating him a good deal of the time. I felt trapped and I resented how I never felt like a priority or taken care of. I think our society has tried to normalize these feelings in romanticizing the anxious-avoidant trap.
Now I find myself involved with an extremely AP man and I have noticed similar feelings start to creep back in. I resent that he constantly needs me to capitulate to the slightest whim but doesn't extend the same courtesy to me.
So my questions lately is, am I just doomed to feel resentment, anger, and downright hatred toward whoever I am involved with? Or is it more that my experience is with extremely insecurely attached men and whether AP or DA the emotional instability is not conducive to a healthy relationship?
APs on here, have you experienced similar patterns? Always growing to hate your partner. Or is this likely situaional or specific to me?
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Post by yasmin on Jan 6, 2018 20:42:36 GMT
Hmmm.
My closest friend is DA or maybe FA...She leans strongly to avoidant and she frequently tells me she hates her husband (she doesn't hate him she loves him). These strange phases come over her where she just literally resent him for everything and seethes with anger and she cries and feels guilty because she knows she loves him and wishes she didn't have this.
I'm not sure how this is relevant but I'm just saying I've seen this before and with my friend she feels this way with every partner who doesnt reject her.
I see it as a way of avoiding. A way of not loving. Deep down she's terrified of loving him because she feels unworthy.
Hating feels like a great way to push your partner away emotionally... is this how you feel?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2018 20:49:11 GMT
So I'm moderately AP and my ex was extremely DA. I rember hating him a good deal of the time. I felt trapped and I resented how I never felt like a priority or taken care of. I think our society has tried to normalize these feelings in romanticizing the anxious-avoidant trap. Now I find myself involved with an extremely AP man and I have noticed similar feelings start to creep back in. I resent that he constantly needs me to capitulate to the slightest whim but doesn't extend the same courtesy to me. So my questions lately is, am I just doomed to feel resentment, anger, and downright hatred toward whoever I am involved with? Or is it more that my experience is with extremely insecurely attached men and whether AP or DA the emotional instability is not conducive to a healthy relationship? APs on here, have you experienced similar patterns? Always growing to hate your partner. Or is this likely situaional or specific to me? RESENTMENT - the repeated (re) feeling (from sentir) - When repeatedly exposed to a pattern of behaviour that brings up an uncomfortable emotion, the feeling is amplified and gradually becomes a focus of attention - hence what starts as a mild indignation grows into bitterness and hatred. I guess that dependent on your own relationship style, your choice of partner is more or less likely to make you feel resentful because he or she hits your buttons to a lesser or greater degree. Secures are by definition somewhat more flexible and yet boundaried that the other two extremes so perhaps it's more likely that you won't feel triggerred in such a relationship although I tend to think that at some point any intimate relationship is going to hit your soft underbelly and at this point it's up to you to learn to deal with the feelings in order to grow past them and learn from them. Nobody is perfect - and nobody is perfect for us however much the movies might make us believe otherwise. |
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 7, 2018 3:07:42 GMT
The resentment / hate is something that comes about because of the unspoken expectations one has of a partner, I think. When the partner doesn't meet them, in leaving this unaddressed but still silently holding on to said expectation is what usually gives rise to resentment. The thing is, most of the expectations we have of a partner are things we tend to consider as 'normal', second nature even. So normal, in fact, that they are rarely stated explicitly.
That leads to a lot of thoughts, along the lines of:
Why doesn't he/she just...
- Give me space when I need it?
- Comfort me when I feel anxious?
- Look after my needs like I do theirs?
- Understand what I want and do it?
Ofcourse, these things don't tend to be as second nature for our partners.
I think the first step in getting past resentment is stating, explicitly, what it is you need. From there on, there are a few possibilities.
Either you have a partner who is willing to work with you to see that both of your needs are known and met in the relationship, or you don't. After that, what you do with that knowledge is up to everyone to decide for themselves.
A risk here is to think that your partner will change his/her answer to this question if you do everything perfectly. "My partner is so great, if only they would change 'x', we would be perfect together". Not only is this manipulative in nature, but the only reason someone will ever change in a lasting manner is if they see the need and decide to change for themselves.
Personally, I think that moving into another relationship without working through a breakup completely, learning ones lessons and creating a stable base to start a future relationship from serves to exacerbate this issue.
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