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Post by tnr9 on Jan 6, 2018 23:44:09 GMT
It seems this is the hardest part of letting my ex go....I look back on my journals and I see all the mistakes I made that I can't do anything about.....and I feel paralyzed in regret and if only. Surely someone has found a way to become unstuck without having to find fault in their partner. Just looking for some assistance.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 7, 2018 0:21:37 GMT
I don't think there's anything wrong with finding fault in your partner, as long as you are accepting that it's only your own "faults" you can work on and change.
I don't think being blindly oblivious / excusing of bad behavior from your partner is any more helpful to healing than blaming them entirely. You're anxious, sure you are, but that was definitely made a lot worse by someone who behaved in ways that contributed to it, that weren't always loving, that weren't always helpful.
Can you find the middle ground here in saying "I am AP. This means I want a sometimes unreasonable level of reassurance. It means I sometimes can't let someone else have space without feeling threatened. It means I need a lot of approval. When it gets darker it also means I can sometimes be needy, clingy, manipulative and behave in ways that are kind of abusive to my partner because they are all about me and meeting my needs" but ALSO say, "I was with a DA. This meant he sometimes wanted an unreasonable level of detachment from our intimate space which was sometimes destructive to our bond. It means sometimes he couldn't be supportive or loving to me. It meant sometimes he pushed me away and acted in ways that made me feel rejected. In the darker side it meant he could sometimes behave in ways that were cold, distant, confusing and hurtful".
Both of those things are probably true.
The "blame " bit is not really relevant because both of you in those negative behaviours were acting on your inbred instincts and you both ultimately are good people with very different ways of behaving.
No one is to blame. You can't blame yourself for "getting it wrong" because you were just doing your best within your own schema. If you want to feel good, then learn about yourself and improve on things you wish you were better at (and this is exactly what you are doing) and then your schema changes. So bravo to you!!! You're taking wonderful, positive steps to make sure your next relationship can be much more healthy and this is the pinnacle of human capability and also personal growth.
Please don't be so hard on yourself, you're a wonderful, sensitive person with the ability to do so much.
xxx
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 7, 2018 14:15:08 GMT
Thanks Yasmin....I thought a long time about this yesterday...why I feel so protective of him...and one thing that kept coming up is that I told him that I accept him completely as he is right now...and I think I was really struggling with how to word his behaviors in such a way that showed that I did truly accept him. That I wasn't "blaming" him but that there were moments where I believe we both triggered patterns in each other. I know this is also a pattern of mine...if I take the blame...somehow I can fix it. It is the magical thinking of a little girl who thought she needed extra "powers" to make things right. But it makes every text, every email, every phone call, every date prone to review...did "I" do it right? Did "I" make a mistake? I honestly thought his feelings for me could change on one poorly written text or one communicated need (and yes...I recognize this is a trust issue born from inconsistency in my childhood and truly having nothing to do with him....he was/is very trustworthy) Yes...I own this lack of confidence in myself. So much "self pressure"....I don't know if other APs experience it. The automatic need to get it "(everything) right", I believe drives "in part" my need for reassurance....did "I" "truly" get it "right"? It doesn't help to have a hypervigilent attachment system that says "something is wrong" when certain conditions occur...basically all the conditions that a DA needs. My mom used to tell me all the time that I was selfish...so much emphasis on "me"...yes....it is selfish...but it also all I had as a young girl...I couldn't change her...I could only change me in relationship to her...as much as I knew how. There is something beautiful that did come out of it....I grew in empathy for others...I am very aware of the emotional states around me, I am quick to give hugs and I try very hard to give grace. My mom recently told me that I am the most grace giving person she knows and that really touched me. This post has been good....I am so used to reading about "self abandonment" in APs and I think that is true...but for the DAs, who honestly feel "pressure" from the APs...I think it is a good to understand that the pressure isn't just being pushed upon them...but is also something we put upon ourselves. So I have a new goal to add to my list and that is to reduce the self pressure to get everything right. That is going to be scary....but it will be worth it.  |
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