My ex is coming back to the group we met at...

No, it doesnt show DA tendencies to me. I have learned that its OK to pause before sending. To sit and wait a bit and check in with myself. That is how a secure would approach things! :-)

Remember we are a work in progress and to me, your taking the time to cultivate a thoughtful response is in line with that. I'm quite sure it was a pleasant surprise to see it!

With my ex, I no longer respond right away if I'm not sure what to say. I see that he appreciates that more. Yesterday for instance,he did not text at all so I did in the early eve to ask him how his day was- he gave a short response that work wasn't productive and he was going to the gym. He never bothered to ask me how my day was. I initially felt upset and pissed, but then I had to remind myself that he does this without realizing how self absorbed he is. He was focused on his day and his time, so instead I sent a gnite text and went to bed. I woke up feeling OK because I've learned to de-personalize his need for space. When his day isn't great, he withdraws, he doesnt share. I like to share and get support. Today I will focus on myself, my work and see some friends and know that he is still there and will reach out eventually.

I guess my point is, take your time and literally each day as it comes in this situation. Slowing down my mind and actions has helped me tremendously!

Here Here! When you can send a text and not need to know if it sounds ok then you will know you are on the path to secure.

An anxious friend of mine used to ask, "Should I text him or send him a gift?"

 At the time she was into this man who was avoiding her and I knew she was only doing these things to try to get him to talk to her but she called it being "just a friend". It was acting out.


I would always respond, "You are grown, you do what you want. If someone is truly 'just a friend' you don't have to ask, you just do it. The question you should ask yourself is, 'Can I  stand it if he doesn't text back or say thank you?' How I think and feel doesn't matter, it's you who has to live with the results of your actions."

Of course, and that will take time to feel secure in the reality of things.

tnr9 believe me, I do the same thing and actively try to fight against it. It is indeed so hard not to get lost in the mire. We are wired to analyze every move, every text, a look... it's our way of trying to prevent something catastrophic. It is precisely the same thing an avoidant does when they pull away; avoid something catastrophic.

The only way to change how we as AP's see the situation in our relationships, is to focus on the reality, to slow down and breathe, to get in touch with our true feelings versus reacting to our internal alarms. I know, sounds so easy, but slowing down helps me remember these things.

You are working hard and as you can see, there was absolutely nothing wrong with putting YOU first this time. :-)