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Post by tnr9 on Jan 10, 2018 20:23:38 GMT
I have such mixed feelings....I want him in my life and I love him still but I don't know what I am going to do when I see him chatting with other girls and those old jealousy feelings come up (and he isn't my boyfriend anymore so I don't have any rights to feel jealous). Anyone have any suggestions? My fear is going through the roof.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2018 20:41:55 GMT
YOU GOT THIS GIRL! Remember, thoughts are just thoughts. Actions speak louder than words.(act don't react)
Do you have a plan of action?
Some suggestions: Set some boundaries for yourself
For example could you:
Keep your distance Don't be angry or mean but don't go out of your way to be chatty and flirty.
If he comes to you be kind but to the point: "Well hey there. What can I do for you?"
Genuinely enjoy your time with your other friends at the event.
If he is flirty, remind him of HIS boundaries.
Have a plan of escape in case it gets too much to bare: Set a time limit only stay for an hour or so. Or have "something" else you have to do so that you can excuse yourself. You may have nothing to do but laundry but no on has to know that. Have a way to leave if you need to without creating a scene first (not that you would but anxiety is tricky like that). And tell your friends, if they ask where you are going, say something like, I promised a friend/relative I was going to help them with something tonight (that friend/relative being yourself.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 10, 2018 22:06:25 GMT
Ok...so I have to get these thoughts out....when he and I started dating...he no longer attended the group (it is a Christian singles community through my church) even when he had a Sunday off. He did go with me to the Christmas party...but that is it.....which is why I don't understand so much why he wants to come back. I would love to think he wanted to see me and hang out with me...but I know that is not the case....so yes...perplexed.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 11, 2018 1:02:33 GMT
Hi tnr9,
Sending you lots of strength and light!!!
Froggy pretty much said it best. But another thought, if it feels to be too much, is there any way you can skip it this time? Maybe you are not quite ready to see him in any kind of capacity?
No matter what you end up doing, YOU GOT THIS!!!! We are here!!!
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 11, 2018 1:07:30 GMT
Hi tnr9, Sending you lots of strength and light!!! Froggy pretty much said it best. But another thought, if it feels to be too much, is there any way you can skip it this time? Maybe you are not quite ready to see him in any kind of capacity? No matter what you end up doing, YOU GOT THIS!!!! We are here!!! The thing is...I am on the leadership team and I head the group that meets new people. It is something I love and giving that up would be really sad. I am just trying to reset my thoughts towards friendship and deal with the thoughts that want him back. I have amazing friends and I know they will be there for me. And I remind myself that if I say I love my ex...I love him whether he is with me or not. Thanks so much for your kind words. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 11, 2018 1:15:50 GMT
Well, I think you are very brave and I know you will be OK, of course! Very glad to hear you have supportive friends too. I do not know what I would do without mine or this forum :-)
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 1:27:46 GMT
Hi tnr9, Sending you lots of strength and light!!! Froggy pretty much said it best. But another thought, if it feels to be too much, is there any way you can skip it this time? Maybe you are not quite ready to see him in any kind of capacity? No matter what you end up doing, YOU GOT THIS!!!! We are here!!! The thing is...I am on the leadership team and I head the group that meets new people. It is something I love and giving that up would be really sad. I am just trying to reset my thoughts towards friendship and deal with the thoughts that want him back. I have amazing friends and I know they will be there for me. And I remind myself that if I say I love my ex...I love him whether he is with me or not. Thanks so much for your kind words. WAIT YOU ARE THE LEAD! That means you get first dibs on all the new hotties that come through the door....GIRRRRRRRL!  |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 11, 2018 1:38:07 GMT
The thing is...I am on the leadership team and I head the group that meets new people. It is something I love and giving that up would be really sad. I am just trying to reset my thoughts towards friendship and deal with the thoughts that want him back. I have amazing friends and I know they will be there for me. And I remind myself that if I say I love my ex...I love him whether he is with me or not. Thanks so much for your kind words. WAIT YOU ARE THE LEAD! That means you get first dibs on all the new hotties that come through the door....GIRRRRRRRL! Lol..it doesn't work that way.....in the 7 years I have been in this community...my ex has been the only guy that I liked that liked me back. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 11, 2018 3:26:57 GMT
So tonight is full of tears....I realize it doesn't matter how much I read, it doesn't matter how much I learn because it won't change things...and oh...how I want things to change. I don't want my ex to change, I just want the "ex" label to change. I think about the singles community and how many amazing women we have in it and how my ex is going to have quite a field day given that he has been working on losing weight ( I always thought he looked handsome regardless) and reducing some of his habits. I am just have a hard time finding my footing tonight.  |
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Post by Guestee on Jan 11, 2018 7:18:01 GMT
Hi tnr9
As an AP still not totally over my ex-DA (despite it being a LONG time) I can only advise what I would do. I would be honest and tell him I'm still not ready for him to come back, and if he disrespected my wishes and came back anyway I would take a sabbatical from the group until I no longer had any feelings for him. This is not about maintaining pride or keeping his ego in check - this is about healing. It's ok to admit to yourself that this break up is taking you longer to heal than it took him. For me, seeing my ex on a regular basis, meeting other women and potentially forming a relationship with one of them would be like picking open wounds.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 11, 2018 12:50:55 GMT
Hi tnr9 As an AP still not totally over my ex-DA (despite it being a LONG time) I can only advise what I would do. I would be honest and tell him I'm still not ready for him to come back, and if he disrespected my wishes and came back anyway I would take a sabbatical from the group until I no longer had any feelings for him. This is not about maintaining pride or keeping his ego in check - this is about healing. It's ok to admit to yourself that this break up is taking you longer to heal than it took him. For me, seeing my ex on a regular basis, meeting other women and potentially forming a relationship with one of them would be like picking open wounds. Yeah....I appreciate your response. The thing is...I can't keep him from coming back..it is a free country and we are both adults. I made a choice to date him, not considering that if we were to break up that he would want to return....and as much as I wish he would understand that my process is taking longer than his...there is this really rebellious teen in him that doesn't like to be told no. It is not worth activating that hurt and anger in him. I still love him and I will do the best I can to deal with Sunday and then I will take it from there. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 16, 2018 3:39:20 GMT
Hi tnr9,
Just checking on. How are you doing?
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2018 4:20:08 GMT
Hi tnr9, Just checking on. How are you doing? Hey Kristyrose...thanks for following up. It went better then I expected....when he arrived, I gave him a side hug and pointed him towards the table that was next to mine. I will admit that I kept glancing over at the table. The topic was an Andy Stanley series on How to get what you really want. It was speaking about what we think we want, isn't what we want at all. My ex left a bit early, so I sent him a text to see if he was ok and he responded that he had a frisbee game to attend, later he sent another text that the talk really resonated with him and even later still he apologized for giving a short response but they needed to get the game in before dark and that he did not want to interrupt me as my table was in a discussion when he left. I haven't responded....there really wasn't any questions, and I am trying to break a pattern of feeling overly responsible for him. I think by him leaving early, I avoided some of my expected swirl. Once he starts staying longer and begins to chat and flirt with other girls in the community...I am not sure how I will feel. In all fairness, it did not completely feel like we broke up...so I think I haven't felt the full weight of that yet. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 16, 2018 5:01:38 GMT
I'm glad it wasn't as difficult as you had anticipated. Just take it day by day at this point, because as you know, you can't rush the feelings you have. I think you are so very brave for going and facing him! I honestly would not be able to do the same had I been in your shoes.
It does sound like he was concerned about your feelings though? Is that what it felt like to you?
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2018 19:00:02 GMT
I'm glad it wasn't as difficult as you had anticipated. Just take it day by day at this point, because as you know, you can't rush the feelings you have. I think you are so very brave for going and facing him! I honestly would not be able to do the same had I been in your shoes. It does sound like he was concerned about your feelings though? Is that what it felt like to you? I was thinking that too Kristyrose....it was extremely thoughtful of him to send those follow up text messages. I have been pondering a response. I have it currently in a draft form. "Hey T, Thank you for letting me know. That was so very thoughtful of you.  . I hope you had a good time". What do you think? |
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. I hope you had a good time". What do you think?