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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2018 0:31:12 GMT
When we walk away, do they justify the end or do they tend to realise what has happened? The guy I was seeing seemed to like me a hell of a lot at first, but as time went on was expressing some real commitment-phobic behaviour and through being flakey and judgemental of me, he pushed me away consistently and then wanted to pick up things where we left them off. We did have a really amazing connection, and never stopped talking... it felt perfect until we both got activated and his avoidance kicked in and naturally, I got more anxious. I do wonder how he feels now that I've walked away, but it's been around two weeks and I've heard nothing. It's sad... I still think about him now, but since I'm anxious, I guess that's why. Do they regret doing this?
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 13, 2018 0:40:44 GMT
There's no single answer here, as there is variance with everything that generalizes traits of such a large sample size as attachment theory (which is basically all humans, ever), so keep that in mind.
In my personal experience, the fault finding that goes on in a relationship with an avoidant as a distancing strategy is increased up to the point where they convince themselves to break things off. Whether or not this reason has any basis in what most people would see as the reality of the situation seems to be irrelevant ; they convince themselves of a reason to leave the threat of someone deeply knowing them and becoming 'dependent' on the attachment and act upon that. It's what they will tell anyone about the reason for the break and I think they even believe it themselves, so in all likelihood, they'll be telling whoever asks that the main reason / fault for the breakup was with you.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 13, 2018 1:31:21 GMT
Hi tigrio,
Jaeger is right. My ex FA left me and seemed to have spent some time rationalizing it as the right thing to do and that we were not invested enough to work on things (even though we were together 2 yrs). I can tell you, after he dumped me, I went 40 days NC and he reached out by week 3 and would not stop until I saw him. We have been dating since, for about 8 months now, but he still will not say we are back together. I have to have a talk with him and I'm pretty sure he will stand by this even though he bought us tickets to a show and we are going out tonight. So, read the others' experiences on here for more insight- it has been helpful for me as I have grown to understand now, that is was nothing i did to cause the break-up specifically, it was his inherent fear of commitment.
Hope that helps a little...
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Post by jayber on Jan 13, 2018 11:16:15 GMT
I think we've all regretted pushing people away at some point no matter our attachment style.  My FA used to beat themselves up a lot about really trivial stuff. They were paranoid about breaking things or hurting people to the point they unconsciously would end up hurting people and breaking relationships. An FA will find it very hard to initiate a conversation about regret, so you'll only know from their behaviour e.g. Reaching out is a pretty sure sign they still want you around. The other side here is the AP. And I say this with great sensitivity and care, APs tend to protect themselves with denial by finding reasons to explain why their ex could not admit to loving them. The idea of rejection in an AP is so strong and powerful that denial or strategies to win back their partner feel less traumatic than sitting in the painful emotion of rejection. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 13, 2018 14:20:32 GMT
My FA regrets it but I don't think this is to do with his feelings for me but rather than his own process.
He chases then he finds fault so he distances and once he's distanced for a while he feels stupid because he knows it was kind if silly.
I think if you break up with someone and you're secure it's because you've lost attraction, don't want to spend time with someone or have met someone else. It's a bit of a red flag if someone is coming back and forth!
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 13, 2018 19:58:42 GMT
The other side here is the AP. And I say this with great sensitivity and care, APs tend to protect themselves with denial by finding reasons to explain why their ex could not admit to loving them. The idea of rejection in an AP is so strong and powerful that denial or strategies to win back their partner feel less traumatic than sitting in the painful emotion of rejection. WOW! That is perfectly stated. As an AP working towards Secure, you are spot on about that. For me, it's confusing that my FA ex is sticking around, yet cannot say he loves me or wants to be with me, just acts like we are an exclusive couple again. But when he first broke up with me, I had to force myself to go into NC because I was truly in denial that he didn't want me anymore. Now, well I'm just confused, but you said it so eloquently Jayber. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 14, 2018 1:46:53 GMT
I think we've all regretted pushing people away at some point no matter our attachment style. My FA used to beat themselves up a lot about really trivial stuff. They were paranoid about breaking things or hurting people to the point they unconsciously would end up hurting people and breaking relationships. An FA will find it very hard to initiate a conversation about regret, so you'll only know from their behaviour e.g. Reaching out is a pretty sure sign they still want you around. The other side here is the AP. And I say this with great sensitivity and care, APs tend to protect themselves with denial by finding reasons to explain why their ex could not admit to loving them. The idea of rejection in an AP is so strong and powerful that denial or strategies to win back their partner feel less traumatic than sitting in the painful emotion of rejection. In fairness here though - there's shades of rejection. I have been rejected a lot of times before. Haven't we all. I don't think I am anxious, but I am human and rejection never feels good. I have to say honestly that rejection hurt a little bit, felt embarrassing or whatever and then you kind of get over it and move on quickly because there is a clear message that the other person doesn't feel the same. It's much harder when the other person is ambivalent and sends mixed signals. I remember my worst ever breakup when I was 21 or something (oh the heartbreak still stings) and it was so painful and so awful but I didn't feel like I was going crazy or needed therapy because it was pretty clear, he'd met someone else and the relationship was over. Rejection from my FA did make me feel crazy and like I needed therapy and I think that triggered relationship anxiety in me for the first time in my life because the behavior and words didn't add up. If you want to reject someone you don;t act like you're in love with them, so I guess the lack of straight forward behaviour must drive APs to the point of crisis. All the more important to date secures if you are APs because not only will they make you feel less crazy during the relationship, but they won't keep pulling you in and then rejecting you in a loop which is like being hurt over and over. I find when you're dealing with someone who both wants something (intimacy) and fears it then this is going to play havoc with their behavior and the messages they send. We learn from a young age to interpret behavior by listening to what someone says, gauging their body language and also assessing their actions and when these three are all working in opposite directions it's incredibly difficult to work out WTF is going on. So people end up googling and buying books and talking about it on a forum because the one person they should be able to ask for a straight answer and consistent behavior can't give it. What do you do when someone days "I don;t want to date you" and then is constantly trying to date you and kiss you and stuff. It's very complicated if you truly love that person. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 14, 2018 21:57:07 GMT
Rejection from my FA did make me feel crazy and like I needed therapy and I think that triggered relationship anxiety in me for the first time in my life because the behavior and words didn't add up. If you want to reject someone you don;t act like you're in love with them, so I guess the lack of straight forward behaviour must drive APs to the point of crisis. All the more important to date secures if you are APs because not only will they make you feel less crazy during the relationship, but they won't keep pulling you in and then rejecting you in a loop which is like being hurt over and over. I find when you're dealing with someone who both wants something (intimacy) and fears it then this is going to play havoc with their behavior and the messages they send. We learn from a young age to interpret behavior by listening to what someone says, gauging their body language and also assessing their actions and when these three are all working in opposite directions it's incredibly difficult to work out WTF is going on. So people end up googling and buying books and talking about it on a forum because the one person they should be able to ask for a straight answer and consistent behavior can't give it. What do you do when someone days "I don;t want to date you" and then is constantly trying to date you and kiss you and stuff. It's very complicated if you truly love that person. I like how you break this down regarding the impact of being rejected by an FA. I agree that anyone dealing with mixed signals of this magnitude can feel absolutely crazy. This relationship was also triggering for me as well. No relationship before ever felt like this where I too also needed to ramp up my therapy. Other times I felt rejected it hurt, but at least it was clear. The person no longer wanted to be with me and I understood that and felt compelled to move on. That is how I initially treated my ex when he dumped me, I had no idea I would end up like this. Even now, we have spent the past 3 days together and I can feel him acting both hot and cold even in my presence. He struggled yesterday with making a movie plan today, then this morning when we woke up, he invited me to a movie later, its like it needs to be on his terms. Its challenging, but this forum and hearing your perspective and the others has been so incredibly helpful and comforting. He holds me so close, cuddles etc., but can still stand by not actually "being together"- it is so painful. |
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Post by stavs on Jan 15, 2018 14:15:17 GMT
He struggled yesterday with making a movie plan today, then this morning when we woke up, he invited me to a movie later, its like it needs to be on his terms. Its challenging, but this forum and hearing your perspective and the others has been so incredibly helpful and comforting. He holds me so close, cuddles etc., but can still stand by not actually "being together"- it is so painful. "On his terms." Funny you say this. I had a discussion yesterday with my FA girlfriend and we were talking about her cat. He can be a little terror, but he can also be loving. We were chatting about that and she said, "I know he loves me though." I said, "Of course he does, but it his on his terms. You and him are alike in so many ways." I just left it at that, but it is very true. She wants to be loved, but it has to be on her terms in order to feel comfortable. As an anxious person, this is tough for me to deal with, but I am slowly learning what I need to do. Often I am letting her initiate when we see each other. I am trying not to push. The other day we were together and I wanted to get intimate, but she pretty much pushed me away. When I got home I texted her that I was home, and that I felt like she didn't want me in "that way" lately and that it made me feel unwanted. She told me not to overthink things. Convo went on a little more, but nothing major. Yesterday morning we started texting and after a bit she wants to make plans for this saturday so she can "ravish" me. So, I dont know if my initial whining had any effect, but I certainly didn't push her on it and she did this on her own. This is definitely the strangest relationship I've ever been in, and it requires a lot of effort and emotional strength on my part. Add in her insecurities and past trauma and depression, and I swear I need to be a god damn Hercules to deal with it all. A line from one of my favorite songs "For you I must be strong, because I dont know right from wrong" always sticks in my head...for her being such a "strong independent woman," I am the one who has to be stronger for the both of us. Her walls may be strong, but inside she is weak and frail. I know I'm not going to save her, and I dont want to, but I'll lift her up when she falls down and will be by her side as long as I have the strength to deal with it. As anxious as I am, I have my secure moments....more so when she is vulnerable of course. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 15, 2018 17:18:30 GMT
I really wish you luck Stavs....it seems to me that you not only have to address her insecurities...you have to keep your own at bay in order to get a "breadcrumb" of the relationship you are hoping for. To me, as an outsider, that is really too much to expect of yourself. It is as if you are holding out for this upcoming ravaging of you.....but then what? What if she again returns to her distancing tactics? You will have had a taste of what you desire without any guarantee if and when you will get it again. I know you love her Stavs...you sound like such a nice guy...I just don't want to see you doing all the rowing. |
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Post by stavs on Jan 15, 2018 17:40:41 GMT
I really wish you luck Stavs....it seems to me that you not only have to address her insecurities...you have to keep your own at bay in order to get a "breadcrumb" of the relationship you are hoping for. To me, as an outsider, that is really too much to expect of yourself. It is as if you are holding out for this upcoming ravaging of you.....but then what? What if she again returns to her distancing tactics? You will have had a taste of what you desire without any guarantee if and when you will get it again. I know you love her Stavs...you sound like such a nice guy...I just don't want to see you doing all the rowing. Thank you. 🙂 Yeah I hear you for sure. It’s just hard to give up. I’m not a quitter. One day I’ll teach my point or it will get better. I think. |
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