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Post by tnr9 on Jan 14, 2018 15:36:31 GMT
I think one of my biggest hurdles with letting my ex go is that the breakup feels personal...like it wasn't something about him...but literally something about "me" that caused it to end. Because the breakup/the relationship/ this man has been so intertwined with my worth/value/self esteem...I am having an incredibly rough time 1. seeing that everything that went wrong wasn't my fault and 2. seeing the breakup as a good thing. In fact, I get to see my ex in 3 hours because he is coming back to the community we first met at...and already the thoughts in my head are that someone else is going to get it right...someone else is going to be able to win this man's heart...someone else is going to marry him and have the life I wanted with him....it all feels so personal. I am wondering if other APs experience this or if this is just something unique about me. My parents divorced when I was 9 and I remember there being a custody battle and how impossible it was for me to "choose" one parent over the other....but I think there is something even deeper at play and I would love to hear from others.
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Post by ocarina on Jan 14, 2018 19:06:20 GMT
Hello - and I hope the meetup was not too difficult for you.
I am not AP - but might be able to help you just because I believe that taking a break up personally is incredibly common across all attachment types. How this manifests shows differently according to the type - the da might just brush it off and stop all contact so as not to be reminded of their part in the whole thing, the FA might run and ruminate.
The thing is it's never personal - you cannot or should not mould yourself to fit anothers ideal and if something about you triggered your exes sore spots and turned him off this too is about him rather than you.
The thing that is about you, is the way you are looking at the breakup through the filters of your own past and experiences - let go of these and you will be free to act from a place of clarity - it doesn't mean not feeling sadness, but being really willing to experience and relax into the pain, seeing it as a normal experience and allowing it to dissipate might allow you to start to heal yourself.
Rationalising, blaming and trying to understand or explain are really blocks in the path of healing - I am not sure if this makes any sense at all but maybe sitting and watching your mind with all its worries without getting caught up in them and seeing them as just a story, a fairytale that is keeping you stuck might help. The thoughts in your head are not you - they are just thoughts and you do have a choice whether to get caught up in them or whether to take back your power and build your own future.
Letting go of the personal is the first step.
Hope you're doing OK post meetup.
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