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Post by tnr9 on Jan 14, 2018 15:57:29 GMT
Honestly...I would like to know so that I know what to look for. I have only ever dated men who made my AP trigger through the roof...men who used distancing techniques to keep me arm's length...so I am not sure what a secure guy would do differently.
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 15, 2018 15:48:36 GMT
Soothe your overactive attachment system, react predictably and reliably to bids for closeness and attachment, let you know what you can and cannot expect him to do and acting upon this, share his needs with you and be open to you sharing yours, look for ways to accomodate your needs, ability to put your needs first for a while if circumstances dictate, not play emotional games, discuss emotions and needs openly, work with you to overcome problems in a way that benefits you both.
I may have missed one or two, but that's pretty much it. Funnily enough, a lot of secures are found to be 'boring' for lack of creating the spikes you get from intermittent reinforcement; life tends to be more stable instead of huge ups ("he finally answered my text!) and downs ("I haven't heard from him in a week!").
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 15, 2018 16:02:51 GMT
Soothe your overactive attachment system, react predictably and reliably to bids for closeness and attachment, let you know what you can and cannot expect him to do and acting upon this, share his needs with you and be open to you sharing yours, look for ways to accomodate your needs, ability to put your needs first for a while if circumstances dictate, not play emotional games, discuss emotions and needs openly, work with you to overcome problems in a way that benefits you both. I may have missed one or two, but that's pretty much it. Funnily enough, a lot of secures are found to be 'boring' for lack of creating the spikes you get from intermittent reinforcement; life tends to be more stable instead of huge ups ("he finally answered my text!) and downs ("I haven't heard from him in a week!"). Thank you Jaeger...I am sooo ready for "comfortable" (I will not label it as boring). I was watching a movie with a secure friend last night and it was so very refreshing to be able to talk, share, "be"without worrying if I said too much, not enough and I honestly thought as she drove off..if I could just find a male version of her..that would be lovely.  . |
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 15, 2018 21:42:10 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 15, 2018 22:14:32 GMT
Thank you Jaeger....I actually have a similiar article that I saved. www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/You should see all the articles I saved on why men do what they do (why they need space, why they prefer sitting side by side, why they prefer doing activities, why their brains are different) what men need (respect, admiration...needs to be specific, say thank you to show you appreciate what he does), how to best communicate with your partner (always start with what he does right, make it time bound, give him time to mull it over and come back). The issue for me and "bids" is that I never knew what was a "bid" from him....I tried to turn in, pay attention, acknowledge and appreciate him. But sometimes my well intentioned responses would not have the effect I thought they would...and in hindsight...I wondered if they just did not feel real to him due to his lens on the world. I was was joking with a friend that we need an attachment style based dating site so that it would be easier to know which men were in fact secure versus DA. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 15, 2018 22:16:44 GMT
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Post by yasmin on Jan 20, 2018 11:24:47 GMT
My experience of dating secures was that they weren't clingy or needy and didn't make me feel suffocated but they were also clear in their intentions and didn't confuse or hurt me.
We liked each other...we were happy. So simple!
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Post by yasmin on Jan 20, 2018 11:25:31 GMT
I also have no experience of men needing space. Actually if they like you they usually want to hang around you as much as possible.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 20, 2018 14:12:15 GMT
Hey Yasim....it was based on John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book...but I have a lot of articles because I haven't had any experience in dating a secure man...zilch. I have dated Narcs and other distancing types.. So what feels normal to me is being rejected over and over and over again in subtle and not so subtle ways and having to "earn" love through being different then who I am (or at least trying). It is a pattern I would really like to break....but I truly don't know what to look for because it hasn't been my experience. I also tend to "overdo" things....I am a natural encourager and my ex really loved that about me...but even my encouragement comes across as overreaching because I don't know where the line of "enough" encouragement falls and I tend to overwhelm others. It is completely sincere and completely meant to be encouraging...but you can see where I am going with it. I haven't had a single person step forward and say "It's ok, you can try things with me and I will let you know when it goes a bit too far...but I won't leave you because of it and I will help to guide you through this". That is what I would really like because I think that would then change the dynamics of how I am in relationships. Without that, I tend to just repeat patterns regardless of how self aware and how much therapy I've had.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 20, 2018 20:44:30 GMT
Ok...so I feel I had a backslide in the above post....I am feeling MUCH better...to be fully transparent...I had a lunch with my family and that tends to trigger me. Onward with the dating secures post. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 20, 2018 20:53:01 GMT
Maybe because I'm FA I never noticed guys needing space because I usually needed some myself!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 11:54:10 GMT
Soothe your overactive attachment system, react predictably and reliably to bids for closeness and attachment, let you know what you can and cannot expect him to do and acting upon this, share his needs with you and be open to you sharing yours, look for ways to accomodate your needs, ability to put your needs first for a while if circumstances dictate, not play emotional games, discuss emotions and needs openly, work with you to overcome problems in a way that benefits you both. I may have missed one or two, but that's pretty much it. Funnily enough, a lot of secures are found to be 'boring' for lack of creating the spikes you get from intermittent reinforcement; life tends to be more stable instead of huge ups ("he finally answered my text!) and downs ("I haven't heard from him in a week!"). Ok, so my partner whom I identified as DA does some of this such as work with me to overcome problems and let me know what I can and cannot expect, though this also takes some time to get to. Before we get to this state, it was classic DA behavior. but somehow, even after the talks and solutions offered,I just can’t quite shake the feeling it’s almost put on or unsustainable! Am I the crazy one or is he a DA with good acting skills? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 17:50:04 GMT
Honestly...I would like to know so that I know what to look for. I have only ever dated men who made my AP trigger through the roof...men who used distancing techniques to keep me arm's length...so I am not sure what a secure guy would do differently. Ever meet a guy that seems stable, kind, calm, but for some reason you have no attraction to him and he seems so goddam boring? He might be the secure one...maybe. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 18:22:01 GMT
But here is my tale of caution. Just because someone is secure, it doesn't mean they are a good partner for you. It may solve some issues in a relationship, but it's just one piece of the puzzle. I know the focus of this site is attachment, so it may seem overwhelmingly important. There are so many other pieces that are just as important. Remember, 2 secures get divorced, and fall apart too.
Just don't sacrifice the other parts because of the one part.
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Jan 28, 2018 19:58:24 GMT
But here is my tale of caution. Just because someone is secure, it doesn't mean they are a good partner for you. It may solve some issues in a relationship, but it's just one piece of the puzzle. I know the focus of this site is attachment, so it may seem overwhelmingly important. There are so many other pieces that are just as important. Remember, 2 secures get divorced, and fall apart too. Just don't sacrifice the other parts because of the one part. It is my conviction that we always need to make some sort of compromises... if you are too picky and have a long list of requisites that your partner should provide, including their attachment style, you may end up looking forever. It is my experience from people around me that some people settle down and overlook some differences, and still make it work. Others don't, and it depends how important those differences are, in particular when kids come into the game and need to be educated consistently on one way or another. I have recently met someone who does not trigger me a bit, I feel at peace and calm all the time. This is such a new feeling for me, being able to be me without trying to please anybody, that I may get tempted to overlook other differences. But then, what is more important? That we know each other's manual for conflict resolution + dissipation of fears + reassuring? Or that we "don't get bored with each other over time"? I find it difficult to decide, because I do not know what it is to have a LTR with a secure person. |
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