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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 21:16:05 GMT
But here is my tale of caution. Just because someone is secure, it doesn't mean they are a good partner for you. It may solve some issues in a relationship, but it's just one piece of the puzzle. I know the focus of this site is attachment, so it may seem overwhelmingly important. There are so many other pieces that are just as important. Remember, 2 secures get divorced, and fall apart too. Just don't sacrifice the other parts because of the one part. It is my conviction that we always need to make some sort of compromises... if you are too picky and have a long list of requisites that your partner should provide, including their attachment style, you may end up looking forever. It is my experience from people around me that some people settle down and overlook some differences, and still make it work. Others don't, and it depends how important those differences are, in particular when kids come into the game and need to be educated consistently on one way or another. I have recently met someone who does not trigger me a bit, I feel at peace and calm all the time. This is such a new feeling for me, being able to be me without trying to please anybody, that I may get tempted to overlook other differences. But then, what is more important? That we know each other's manual for conflict resolution + dissipation of fears + reassuring? Or that we "don't get bored with each other over time"? I find it difficult to decide, because I do not know what it is to have a LTR with a secure person. I don't think the choice is not being triggered versus boredom. Through therapy, I had figured out that I found secure guys boring AT FIRST. I didn't give them a chance, because they didn't give me that feeling of attraction in the beginning that APs did. I didn't know the "attraction" was me being triggered. Now I give the boring guys a chance and as I get to know them, the attraction grows if we connect over time. It was such a different process for me. There are always compromises, but even if a guy is secure, it doesn't mean he meets my needs in other areas, such as morals, values, common interests, personality, etc. I agree you can't have an impossible list, but there are some non-negotiables. |
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Post by jayber on Jan 29, 2018 11:28:09 GMT
Honestly...I would like to know so that I know what to look for. I have only ever dated men who made my AP trigger through the roof...men who used distancing techniques to keep me arm's length...so I am not sure what a secure guy would do differently. I don't think the attachment is just down the person you are dating. Each of you might have a default preference, but ultimately both of you co-create the attachment style together. So a secure attachment would feel to you like: - Confidently expressing your needs and expecting them to be met within reason. Responding reasonably to the needs expressed by the other.
- Creating the passion, desire and enjoyment you want in the relationship as partners. Not expecting the other person to lead it for you.
- Both bringing yourself to the relationship 100% and expecting the other to do the same.
- Knowing your boundaries and having an expectation of being treated well and with respect - and in turn reciprocating that.
- It should feel easy to both of you because communication will be really clear.
- Your partner is not carrying the relationship. No co-dependency.
An AP dating a secure they really find attractive (probably sexual desire will be the main driver initially) will still behave like an AP in the beginning. The secure, who sees good in themselves and in others, will give the AP the benefit of the doubt for a while. If the AP starts responding because of the consistent behaviour they experience with the secure, they might start behaving more positively like a secure and then I suspect they'll grow in their relationship. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 14:23:27 GMT
Honestly...I would like to know so that I know what to look for. I have only ever dated men who made my AP trigger through the roof...men who used distancing techniques to keep me arm's length...so I am not sure what a secure guy would do differently. I don't think the attachment is just down the person you are dating. Each of you might have a default preference, but ultimately both of you co-create the attachment style together. So a secure attachment would feel to you like: - Confidently expressing your needs and expecting them to be met within reason. Responding reasonably to the needs expressed by the other.
- Creating the passion, desire and enjoyment you want in the relationship as partners. Not expecting the other person to lead it for you.
- Both bringing yourself to the relationship 100% and expecting the other to do the same.
- Knowing your boundaries and having an expectation of being treated well and with respect - and in turn reciprocating that.
- It should feel easy to both of you because communication will be really clear.
- Your partner is not carrying the relationship. No co-dependency.
An AP dating a secure they really find attractive (probably sexual desire will be the main driver initially) will still behave like an AP in the beginning. The secure, who sees good in themselves and in others, will give the AP the benefit of the doubt for a while. If the AP starts responding because of the consistent behaviour they experience with the secure, they might start behaving more positively like a secure and then I suspect they'll grow in their relationship. I agree that both create the dynamic of the relationship together, but I think this is a bit of an oversimplification. Even if both partners have a secure style, it doesn't mean it will feel easy and communication will be clear. Just because a person is secure, it doesn't mean they are a good communicator. All relationships will take some work. I know couples that have been together 30 plus years and they don't describe it as easy. I think it can be easier if the couple have a secure style together, but that alone will not make the relationship work or make it easy. |
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 18, 2018 19:28:24 GMT
I'm a FA. Dated soneone for a few months after rmy divorce who appeared very secure. Very mature, and in control of who she was and what she wanted. Emotional and kind without being hysterical or overbearing
I just found there was no spark, no excitement. So I left and guess what... She didn't chase me despite appearing to be very keen in having a relationship without me. One strike and I was out. Good on her, but I didn't want the relationship and was glad to be out of there. Just wasn't exciting for me, no heightened emotions on either side. I am only attracted to love addicts and people who can throw buckets of love at me, even if I can't reciprocate and thus only disappoint. That is something I have to change in myself as its toxic and selfish. I don't want to do that anymore. My next relationship has to be with a secure (I hope) and this time I need to be more mature, more respectful, and recognise the other persons needs as equally as my own
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Post by lilyg on Jul 19, 2018 12:17:58 GMT
Well I've done some tests and as I fall as a secure, so I guess I might be boring for you all hahaha. Actually I have dated around quite a bit and people often tell I'm very fun to be around. I think the more secure I've gotten the more fun I am, as now I'm very confident in being myself and in creating bonds with people. I think I have chemistry with more people now.
I've met plenty of boring people that seemed secure and some very anxious, if I think about it. Strangely, the few avoidants I've meet have been very interesting (but I guess I gave them a chance because I had lots of fun with them and then I discovered they were avoidant. How can I even get to know an avoidant if they're being avoidant and I'm disinterested because they're boring? How does that even work?).
I do think being with a secure means knowing exactly where you stand in their lives, and being independent enough to take healthy decisions. It means having a secure emotional base and an opportunity to explore the world on your own too. It's about two adults enjoying themselves with respect. Definetely, the happiest I've ever been in a relationship was with a secure guy. And he was one of the most interesting persons I've ever met.
But of course, that's my opinion and experience. It's probably because of my own attachment style. For example, personally I cannot deal with anxious men, as I feel super smothered even when I interact with anxious girlfriends. I can do well with mild-avoidance, as I'm pretty independent.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jul 22, 2018 0:39:06 GMT
This is a good question. I would say that I do not have much of an AP-DA dynamic in my marriage (even though the dynamic takes up a lot of my mental space and history in regards to other people) and my spouse is more of the secure attachment style figure, so let me go with that in trying to answer your original post.
I don't think it's all conscious signs, but sometimes you can sense it in the dynamic itself. For example, you're not constantly worried that if you say this or do that-- or don't say this or don't do that-- then the person will leave/disappear/break up-- there's a kind of stability to it. They're also reliable-- they respond to an email or text or call, they show up when they say they will, etc. They don't engage in mixed messages. They have faith in your relationship and its future.
I know some of these wouldn't be relevant to the early dating. We've been together for 15 years so I'm trying to think back...
I think there's also a genuineness to it as well. They're not trying to prove anything or play any sort of image, there's no 'love bombing' or over the top romance, which may sounds a bit boring, but it's also real. The person in front of you is what you get and what you will continue to get-- their dynamic isn't just going to change when they get bored or someone else comes along or if things in the relationship get tough.
I think sometimes there's more of an emotional seduction thing going on in what leads to AP-DA dynamic, and it isn't even all that conscious necessarily-- not like the DA person is necessarily doing it on purpose-- but you can tell it's happening because you are getting swept up into its glorious allure. We desire that, but be skeptical of it too.
The higher the initial desire and its intensity, the harder the eventual fall. I've found this is unfortunately true not just for human relationships but for other things (like if you get suddenly VERY into a new hobby and think it will be the new passion of your life, probably you will be over that idea in 2 weeks).
With a secure person you'll probably be like "This person is fun to talk to-- oh I have a fun date coming up" but not like "OMG, I think I met my soulmate, I want to write his/her name among the stars, I'm going to stay up all night writing poetry."
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