Physically unwell after a push-pull interaction?

Thank you so much for replying and letting me know this is "normal"! my friends cannot understand what I mean by physically sick - I know that it is a reaction to a traumatic experience, but I'm not sure how to process it properly so that it doesn't leave behind more problems to deal with. How did you manage yours? 

I'm meeting my DA next week. so far, i've managed to recover emotionally by detaching from him though I'm still struggling with the physical fallout. I'm actually more concerned about my health right now, because I spent a long time battling physical illnesses, and no way i'm letting some dude undo all the work i've done the past 5 years! 

Am going to check out the spire and therapy! is the spire any good? 

I haven't watched this but I saw this on another thread that seems useful: relationshipschool.net/podcast/how-to-feel-safe-in-your-relationship-bonnie-badenoch-sc-108/ 

I've been doing yoga for a while now, and I'm very much into body awareness. I think this has really helped me bring to surface these issues.. When i started seeing my DA, the voices in my head from my childhood became really really loud, so loud that I had to say it to get it out of my system. at some point I was having imaginary fights with my mum but I was verbalizing my thoughts out loud. 

I don't demonize my DA - I see him as the trigger for my issues that I've been ignoring. I believe that when we don't learn from our lessons, it'll just come back repeatedly, each time harsher than before. This time, it was so violent, I cannot ignore it anymore. So, I'm taking the approach that it is ok if we don't stay together - this is my lesson, and I will learn it. When the lesson is over, the relationship might be over too. It might be very sad but hey, always more fish in the sea. 

We're in a long distance now (I know. so cliched) and I'm relocating to another continent end of the month. this is his promised visit, which I'm taking it as the last time I'm seeing him. There's really no other time to see him, and I don't want to postpone it as it's just more waiting in anticipation and fear. If we meet and it is too stressful, I'll leave. 

At the end of the day, I do want to live my own life in full, and he's not really available (emotionally and practically) to participate with me in building a shared life. In any case, I can manage my neediness by working on my anxiety and issues, but I cannot ignore my unmet needs, and at this point, my needs are way more important! 

Cool - I'm thinking of getting the health tags, which only ships in march. Looks very promising.

I've started using this as a guided meditation to also help me sleep while processing any subconscious thoughts I might have (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfyNzqk2TMM). I fall asleep within 3 minutes of the video - I had the same experience when I was going through depression a couple of years ago, and had insomnia for 4 years. this really helps me to sleep and rest better, and therefore can get a handle on myself.

So, last night we had a video chat and he basically pushed me to talk about things that have been on my mind for a while (I leak cues all over). So I just went ahead and told him everything I think in a very calm and amused fashion (like I'd make fun of my anxious behavior and his avoidant ones). He took it all very well and we had a good discussion about things - we agreed we are willing to try to work things out and that we love each other and this connection is important to us. While it's all positive, strangely, I don't quite feel the same buzz anymore - which I think is very important in keeping my sanity in check and the issues of compatibility and long term goals in perspective (which i also point blank stated).

I used to have a high after talking to him, feeling safe and happy. Maybe even validated that he took the time to call me. Now it's just feels like.. meh. still positive but much calmer and a lot more detached. I also observe more and more things that disturb me (e.g., pretending he forgot that he was not treating me well).

There is more clarity in my observations and thoughts now that I'm much less activated. I did this by detaching myself from him and from the relationship, own my own issues, and identify and respect my needs and values. I also clearly tell myself and refuse to chase the buzz of connecting with him, with a very clear goal of never being like this again as best as I can. There is an element of knocking him off the pedestal and really observing him for who he is - just another guy with issues, perhaps with good intentions but definitely not so good behavior at times.

Hope this helps those who have a similar experience!