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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 15:13:50 GMT
I would mega love to know the answer to this ...
As an FA who tends to pick avoidants and turn AP, this also is a self examination as well as examining others.
Some things I noticed
- I have noticed that in my experience avoidant styles come on strong initially in regards to charisma (especially if FA - long messages, fast movement) or seem to engage in "cafeteria responding" where they pick and choose what to respond to (sometimes a sign is a lack of curiosity about the other person, or ignoring what you have said about yourself, and them just talking about themself)
- I've noticed a lot of the avoidants I have met online have profiles that are often illustrative of their sense of independence: travel pictures, pictures demonstrating them in their hobbies (playing guitar etc). There often seemed to be this sort of air of mystery, excitement, and exploration about them that I really want to be a part of.
- I'm curious about whether people put more effort into their online "branding" of themselves if they are insecurely attached: possibly more conscious about how they are portrayed if anxious (am I interesting enough?) or maybe giving off huge independence vibes as an avoidant (this is me, these are all the projects I care about)
- Curious as well about whether secures would have more mundane profiles about the things that really matter ... the basics in life
I'm sorry if these assumptions I draw sound offensive to anyone, I really don't mean them in that way, I just truly am curious to know whether there are signs for this kind of thing that we unknowingly give off.
Any thoughts about this?
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 16, 2018 16:41:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 17:20:57 GMT
I totally see what you're saying -- I suppose it's been my experience that a lot of the "travelling types" of men are really unavailable, but I wonder how much of that is just me stereotyping based off the few I've known... it makes some sense to me, since avoidants are searchers outside of the relationship. I think you have a good point. You can probably look for signs of anything in anything if you're creative enough haha Thank you for the link, it's exactly what I wanted! "It strikes me that a lot of the dating advice available online is offered by anxious women and avoidant men. People who purport to be good at attracting the opposite sex, but who are usually single themselves." Holy crap... that is so true! |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 17:23:01 GMT
As they say, "those who can't do - teach."
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 16, 2018 18:56:03 GMT
Sadly, it tends to propagate the typical behaviours as dating advice - play hard to get to keep them hooked, don't answer text until after x period of time, do your own thing to show you don't need him, be an alpha male, etc. All ways to 'hook' someone with displays if avoidant behaviour, which prevents any real emotional closeness.
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 16, 2018 19:20:40 GMT
To be fair though, you see both styles translated into dating 'advice'.. Anxious 'rules', like 'if he doesn't call or return your calls within x amount of time, he's not that into you' etc etc. The main dating advice to take from these is not to take their dating advice  |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2018 22:12:43 GMT
In contrast, Secures date a few people and then settle down early. They rarely reappear in the dating pool. And therein lies the issue....a secure becomes the diamond in a mine of fools gold.  |
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Post by alpenglow on Jan 25, 2018 19:55:07 GMT
Interesting topic! I've been using dating sites and Tinder for about a year now, and I am obsessed with finding out very early on whether people I'm interested in are avoidants or secure (I'm a AP btw).
From my experience so far, I can tell quite quickly, the longest after two or three dates, and I am rarely wrong. I even often make them take the attachment test in the end when it doesn't work out between us, to get some confirmation! Some sort of intellectual reward I suppose...
But back to your question, I don't find it so easy to spot them on dating sites. I would say like you, pictures showing a strong sense of independance might be a good hint.
As an AP myself, I love traveling, and often put up pics of me traveling or on top of some mountain, so I might actually trick people into thinking that I am secure or even DA?
Perhaps I am not a typical AP...I love traveling because I use it as a form of escapism from my anxiety. And traveling makes me feel like I am being truly myself. All the good parts without the anxiety.
I get very suspicious of anyone writing "looking for the one" in profiles. Can be used as a hint to spot a DA.
But I guess that anxious types give off a vibe of not being good enough/interesting enough in their branding, somehow. I'm still trying to figure out how I project this impression myself.
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Jan 25, 2018 23:23:33 GMT
Hello alpenglow and welcome to the forum.
You pointed an interesting phrase “looking for the one”... typical, and it’s all over the place unfortunately.
Ever read “match me if you can”? That’s a full blown narcissist.
I guess my favorite is “we’ll tell people we met at the bakery”. Reflects shame, insecurity and low responsibility for your their decisions. Yes, you are dating online, get over it and own it.
My self awareness was triggered after the break up from a strongly dismissive man that I met online and had a relationship with for a year. I wish I knew all these patterns back then. It would have saved me the biggest heartbreak in my life.
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 3, 2018 17:32:49 GMT
Thank you!
I have never read "Match me if you can". What kind of book is it?
"We'll tell people we met at the bakery", haha, that's a good one....spot on regarding what it reflects!
APs are looking for "The One" as well, but not in the same way. Because "anyone" would do, somehow, as soon as the attachment system is activated and they start needing external validation.
I guess it's more like, looking for the one who will truly accept them....
Once you are aware of the patterns, it's difficult not to see them in people anymore! This is hopefully one area where the rational part of us can take the upper hand instead of letting our emotions and attachement system have their will. Or maybe it's just remembering the emotions felt during the bad times we were together who someone who clearly was not compatible...
Recognizing red flags early on is very useful!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 17:36:15 GMT
Oh man, my profile is full of indications that i am extremely independent, but also looking for long term monogamy haha!
i am close to secure in romantic relationships but my avoidant preferences are loud and clear.
I might share some details later.
I am self aware and very intentional about my profile tho as i am trying to attract someone with similar preferences.
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 3, 2018 17:49:43 GMT
Would be interesting to have more details!
So, as an avoidant/borderline secure, does it mean that you'd rather attract another avoidant? Would this work? Or simply someone who would give you space enough to continue being as independent as possible?
It's funny, as an AP, I wouldn't actually dream of being together with another AP.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 18:06:47 GMT
I think it's hard to tell from a profile. I am DA and I despise anything about the "one" or "soulmates". If they are over 40, I would look at how long their relationships last, if they were ever married, etc. I think those are better indicators, but even that is iffy.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 19:05:14 GMT
Would be interesting to have more details! So, as an avoidant/borderline secure, does it mean that you'd rather attract another avoidant? Would this work? Or simply someone who would give you space enough to continue being as independent as possible? It's funny, as an AP, I wouldn't actually dream of being together with another AP. my last relationship was wirh another DA and i loved it, but we were in different phases of our recovery (he much newer to awareness and still sorting out a lot) and there were external factors that precipitated the end, but yes i would love a healthier avoidant haha i am pretty dang secure but have deep avoidant traits even being happy and i attribute that to a severe history of abuse , and some things i just am slow on changing if i ever will. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 3, 2018 19:12:46 GMT
I think it's hard to tell from a profile. I am DA and I despise anything about the "one" or "soulmates". If they are over 40, I would look at how long their relationships last, if they were ever married, etc. I think those are better indicators, but even that is iffy. I would look at this as well. I would perceive people who've never been in a long relationship as a sort of red flag, but even that is not foolproof, true. |
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