Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 19:21:28 GMT
"I'm sorry to tell you that we avoid responsibilities and pain even if they are not our responsibilities and our pain, and when things are starting to become extremely overwhelming we run and run as fast as we can.
Now, that doesn't mean that we are incapable of empathy or that we should be somehow allowed to act as absolute pricks.
As an avoidant I can tell you that I have never acted like that to nice people, to pricks yeah, I've dissapeared without the slightest remorse, but when someone is nice, well, saying 'thank you for checking how I was' is the least thing she should have done and not doing it is dehumanizing, which is why you must feel like shit and in some need of closure.
About the closure, yes you need it, but you don't need her to have it, I don't know how to do it without a therapist but I've written letters in cases like this, and yes hit and throw some pillows, but alongside therapy, perhaps unleashing rage is not the best advice without someone there to help you to cope with it. Please, don't try to reach her anymore, you are enabling her to keep behaving like she does and you are deeply hurting yourself in the way.
Being an avoidant it's not an excuse to act ungratefully and with cruelty, if she is comorbid with something else I can honestly tell you that she never cared about you, so she will keep without caring what her actions mean to you. Finally, perhaps you hopefully expected that all her behaviour could be justified because of her avoidance and in that case it is okay to always be the one that reaches out, but I can tell you it is not, I'm not comorbid, I'm purely avoidant and I know normal and can act normal when I sense nice people is trying to get close, may be if only to check how I am... and by normal I mean 'thank you for your call' and 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested' and 'by the way, how are you?'. This is the minimum empathy and recognition of the other, purely avoidants can force themselves to say this things when they sense that the other genuinely cares, that keeping with their avoidant ways is extremely cruel and rude.
Finally and unfortunately, we don't need to be checked on, we don't want to be checked on and we see many of this nice gestures as a burden, we barely cope so we don't have space for things that others do naturally and effortlessly, again, we can and should say 'thank you' so she not even doing this is what tells me that she has some other kind of entitled craziness from which you should keep far far away."
That part I put in bold hit me like a train.
Now, that doesn't mean that we are incapable of empathy or that we should be somehow allowed to act as absolute pricks.
As an avoidant I can tell you that I have never acted like that to nice people, to pricks yeah, I've dissapeared without the slightest remorse, but when someone is nice, well, saying 'thank you for checking how I was' is the least thing she should have done and not doing it is dehumanizing, which is why you must feel like shit and in some need of closure.
About the closure, yes you need it, but you don't need her to have it, I don't know how to do it without a therapist but I've written letters in cases like this, and yes hit and throw some pillows, but alongside therapy, perhaps unleashing rage is not the best advice without someone there to help you to cope with it. Please, don't try to reach her anymore, you are enabling her to keep behaving like she does and you are deeply hurting yourself in the way.
Being an avoidant it's not an excuse to act ungratefully and with cruelty, if she is comorbid with something else I can honestly tell you that she never cared about you, so she will keep without caring what her actions mean to you. Finally, perhaps you hopefully expected that all her behaviour could be justified because of her avoidance and in that case it is okay to always be the one that reaches out, but I can tell you it is not, I'm not comorbid, I'm purely avoidant and I know normal and can act normal when I sense nice people is trying to get close, may be if only to check how I am... and by normal I mean 'thank you for your call' and 'I'm sorry but I'm not interested' and 'by the way, how are you?'. This is the minimum empathy and recognition of the other, purely avoidants can force themselves to say this things when they sense that the other genuinely cares, that keeping with their avoidant ways is extremely cruel and rude.
Finally and unfortunately, we don't need to be checked on, we don't want to be checked on and we see many of this nice gestures as a burden, we barely cope so we don't have space for things that others do naturally and effortlessly, again, we can and should say 'thank you' so she not even doing this is what tells me that she has some other kind of entitled craziness from which you should keep far far away."
That part I put in bold hit me like a train.
