I find it almost impossible to end relationships

- or dating scenarios. It literally feels like jumping off a cliff. Does anyone else find they have to super psych themselves up just to say "no" to someone or a situation that they know is making them anxious or they know isn't even an enjoyable relationship?

I get paralysed by guilt and fear. It sucks.

Recently got back into contact with my FA, and I have that "doom" feeling in my gut, and I know I need to walk away but now I feel I have to jump off that cliff again.

I am an FA and would always rather be with a partner who broke things off clearly and honestly rather than left me guessing. I find it incredibly hard to break off relationships  too, in that I will prevaricate and stay for fear of upsetting my partner. However I am often mentally checked out a very long time previously and then when I do leave - usually suddenly, my partner will be incredibly shocked. Unfortunately by then it's usually irreparable damage.

I will also sometimes jump from relationships out of fear that the other person doesn't want me - ie to reject before being rejected. Usually this happens when I am with someone I desperately want to be with and often in hindsight I have misinterpreted their lack of interest in me or rather seen it through my own eyes rather than the reality of the situation.

I can relate...I don't know what my ex is...but he kept talking about doubts and considerations...and I always felt like a bug under a magnifying glass...being judged against some fantasy girl that would be "the one".  I honestly could never relax in knowing I was in a relationship because it seemed so fragile.  The worst part was he would never elaborate...just made these vague statements that I interpreted as him not ever being sure about us.

'I will have a go.

I don't think that as the partner of an FA that there is very much you can "do" as such - and the doing often makes things worse.
I think it genuinely is an impossible situation - in that deciding to change and cultivate self awareness is a very personal thing and requires internal motivation. Even the people who change for another person can't do so for long (as we see on here so often).

I think in all relationships whatever attachment style we are, we owe it to the other to seek inner clarity ourselves - to be ok with not being perfect and to be completely honest from the get go about ourselves. That sounds simple but it's so from what we are - with the layers of persona, insecurities, boundaries to keep ourselves within our comfort zone etc. All these things also mean that when our intimate partner touches bits of what we don't like, it burns and we either run, or try to fix it or don't say anything for fear of rocking the boat or whatever.

Our only option is to truly see the person as who they are - and if necessary walk away or learn to be internally ok enough to be able to navigate things as they come along. So often things are nearly perfect so we try to manipulate the other person into place - invalidating the fact that they too are humans, different ones than us, who will continue to press our buttons etc unless we learn to accept and embrace the buttons. If we can do this, we have the chance to look at the other person as a real gift who can help teach us to approach our own healing with a compassionate embrace rather than running, or trying to fix.

I don't know if this makes any sense at all - but this has certainly been my experience both with myself and in my relationships - it's a work in progress.




I think this is beautifully stated. I've spent the greater part of last year looking inward at my AP tendencies and I can see how I pushed too hard on my ex to fulfill a role in my life he wasn't quite ready for. I wish I had gone slower with him, I think he got overwhelmed because about 2 yrs in, he started picking fights nonstop. Once we came back together as a non-couple, the fighting he broke up with me over was gone. I realize now the pressure was gone and I continue to learn how to self-soothe and not reach out and give him space, we are coming to a place of more honesty. He invited me out this saturday but said we cannot have a sleepover. A strange thing to impose out of nowhere, but I think he is feeling that we are getting too close again, so I'm going to have to back off. 


We are having a talk tonight about us, so I'm just going to let him know where I'm at and "stand still". he will probably run, but always comes back, just want to try and slow down this cycle.