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Post by Rookie on Jan 28, 2018 0:00:13 GMT
I learnt about attachment theory a few months ago. Here is my story and need some support from people who understand. I met my ex, an obvious DA ( I didn’t know what that meant when I met him) a year ago. We had amazing 4 months together but he refused to make it an official relationship and would never be affectionate when we were hanging out in a group but would always go home and call me and be really intimate over the phone. But in person something used to shift. He had all the power in the relationship and withheld affection after a really good weekend /date. This drove my anxiousness level through he roof and I sought therapy which is when I learnt about the attachments styles. In the mean time I got a new job and left the country. We said our goodbyes and continued to be in touch. 2 months later he came to visit me and spend 3 weeks with me. During this time I really fell for him hard . All the signs showed he did too.l, but he wouldn’t acknowledge them. We are still in touch everyday and speak on the phone for 3-4 hours a day and I’m not interested in dating other people. But he is having casual sex almost every other weekend and seeking all his emotional needs from me. I go back in another 6 months and I’m preoccupied with this hope that when I go back things can restart between us. Is there any hope or do I move on? How does one break the attachment? What are things that worked for you? Need to read all hopeful and successful stories  |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 28, 2018 1:59:24 GMT
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's the worst feeling.
You being long distance is probably ideal for him because there is a barrier between you (literally physical distance). Of course there is hope. there are DAs on this board who have close and loving bonds with partners all the time. It just takes adjustment and to learn about your own (and his) attachment style and loving understanding between you - but the possibility of success requires that he ALSO calls it a relationship and I think when they don't / won't do that then there are no real success stories because the decision hasn't been made to work at it from both sides.
You have the distance right now, so this is a great opportunity for you to put some real distance here and I think that distance is now you break the attachment. It breaks the cycle and while painful at first you do feel better after a little time and then your anxiety calms down. Please use the boards for support, you'll get some great advice and you're not alone in the way you feel. It's incredibly difficult.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 9, 2018 21:43:44 GMT
I learnt about attachment theory a few months ago. Here is my story and need some support from people who understand. I met my ex, an obvious DA ( I didn’t know what that meant when I met him) a year ago. We had amazing 4 months together but he refused to make it an official relationship and would never be affectionate when we were hanging out in a group but would always go home and call me and be really intimate over the phone. But in person something used to shift. He had all the power in the relationship and withheld affection after a really good weekend /date. This drove my anxiousness level through he roof and I sought therapy which is when I learnt about the attachments styles. In the mean time I got a new job and left the country. We said our goodbyes and continued to be in touch. 2 months later he came to visit me and spend 3 weeks with me. During this time I really fell for him hard . All the signs showed he did too.l, but he wouldn’t acknowledge them. We are still in touch everyday and speak on the phone for 3-4 hours a day and I’m not interested in dating other people. But he is having casual sex almost every other weekend and seeking all his emotional needs from me. I go back in another 6 months and I’m preoccupied with this hope that when I go back things can restart between us. Is there any hope or do I move on? How does one break the attachment? What are things that worked for you? Need to read all hopeful and successful stories Welcome to the boards....the first thing I would like to understand is 1. Have you let him know that you would like it to be an official relationship? 2. Have you established any boundaries to protect your heart? The reason I ask is the I hear you say he acts this way and then that way and I can sense that the dynamic isn't working for you....but unless you make it clear what you want and put boundaries in place that if he doesn't meet those needs, he can't treat this as a casual thing...then he has no incentive to change...and your heart will become more and more attached with no promise from him of fidelity or an official relationship. I know that for me....affection is very important and I couldn't be with someone who I felt was withholding that. |
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Post by Rookie on Apr 9, 2018 23:23:04 GMT
Thank you for your response and it is the push I needed to get some support. Since the last past things changed quite a bit and no so much. I decided to date other people as well, while he makes up his mind about what he feels for me and I guess that was the moment for him when he accepted what he felt for me and said that we was ready to call this a relationship. I was over the moon and so happy, he sent me gifts for valentines day and was overall just taking initiative calling me and there was an equality of feelings that I felt for the first time. But...as always there is a but... whenever I would talk about the future he would freak out and say that he is taking it one day at a time... say that he feels strong enough to be with me in this capacity but scared to commit. (We've been at this for a year and a half now and he never said I love you). I heard what he said, but just dismissed it as a dissonance from what he really feels, because he was showing up like he was as into this as me. Then 2 weeks ago during a normal conversation about me being in the same city as him in the near future he again bought up on how I should not make decisions based on him and how he is dealing with anxiousness and entrapment since we started calling this a relationship. He said he wants to be hot but he can't help being hot and cold. If he was in a place where he could think of being with anyone long term it would be me...but his body and mind are not there yet and he wanted to call it off again so we broke up. I'm obviously devastated and my attachment system is highly activated right now. I can't think of a time where I don't talk to him to get my emotional connection. I was great at NC for the first week, but have been texting and calling and he has been responsive (not reading into this). But I also know he cares deeply for me and say's he's regretting that he can't resolve the conflict. He is making sure to to not give me breadcrumbs but I can't stop hoping that 2 months down the line he will want to come back. Do DA's come back? Does NC. help with that? I know I have to go inwards and concentrate on my healing but im having a hard time deactivating. I called him this morning and said let's be friends and see other people but let's be in touch. I know NC is the right thing to do, but I'm giving into all my instincts and have no self control. Anyone has had any success in deactivating when they're highly triggered? Thanks for reading my ramble! I learnt about attachment theory a few months ago. Here is my story and need some support from people who understand. I met my ex, an obvious DA ( I didn’t know what that meant when I met him) a year ago. We had amazing 4 months together but he refused to make it an official relationship and would never be affectionate when we were hanging out in a group but would always go home and call me and be really intimate over the phone. But in person something used to shift. He had all the power in the relationship and withheld affection after a really good weekend /date. This drove my anxiousness level through he roof and I sought therapy which is when I learnt about the attachments styles. In the mean time I got a new job and left the country. We said our goodbyes and continued to be in touch. 2 months later he came to visit me and spend 3 weeks with me. During this time I really fell for him hard . All the signs showed he did too.l, but he wouldn’t acknowledge them. We are still in touch everyday and speak on the phone for 3-4 hours a day and I’m not interested in dating other people. But he is having casual sex almost every other weekend and seeking all his emotional needs from me. I go back in another 6 months and I’m preoccupied with this hope that when I go back things can restart between us. Is there any hope or do I move on? How does one break the attachment? What are things that worked for you? Need to read all hopeful and successful stories Welcome to the boards....the first thing I would like to understand is 1. Have you let him know that you would like it to be an official relationship? 2. Have you established any boundaries to protect your heart? The reason I ask is the I hear you say he acts this way and then that way and I can sense that the dynamic isn't working for you....but unless you make it clear what you want and put boundaries in place that if he doesn't meet those needs, he can't treat this as a casual thing...then he has no incentive to change...and your heart will become more and more attached with no promise from him of fidelity or an official relationship. I know that for me....affection is very important and I couldn't be with someone who I felt was withholding that. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 10, 2018 0:15:30 GMT
Thank you for your response and it is the push I needed to get some support. Since the last past things changed quite a bit and no so much. I decided to date other people as well, while he makes up his mind about what he feels for me and I guess that was the moment for him when he accepted what he felt for me and said that we was ready to call this a relationship. I was over the moon and so happy, he sent me gifts for valentines day and was overall just taking initiative calling me and there was an equality of feelings that I felt for the first time. But...as always there is a but... whenever I would talk about the future he would freak out and say that he is taking it one day at a time... say that he feels strong enough to be with me in this capacity but scared to commit. (We've been at this for a year and a half now and he never said I love you). I heard what he said, but just dismissed it as a dissonance from what he really feels, because he was showing up like he was as into this as me. Then 2 weeks ago during a normal conversation about me being in the same city as him in the near future he again bought up on how I should not make decisions based on him and how he is dealing with anxiousness and entrapment since we started calling this a relationship. He said he wants to be hot but he can't help being hot and cold. If he was in a place where he could think of being with anyone long term it would be me...but his body and mind are not there yet and he wanted to call it off again so we broke up. I'm obviously devastated and my attachment system is highly activated right now. I can't think of a time where I don't talk to him to get my emotional connection. I was great at NC for the first week, but have been texting and calling and he has been responsive (not reading into this). But I also know he cares deeply for me and say's he's regretting that he can't resolve the conflict. He is making sure to to not give me breadcrumbs but I can't stop hoping that 2 months down the line he will want to come back. Do DA's come back? Does NC. help with that? I know I have to go inwards and concentrate on my healing but im having a hard time deactivating. I called him this morning and said let's be friends and see other people but let's be in touch. I know NC is the right thing to do, but I'm giving into all my instincts and have no self control. Anyone has had any success in deactivating when you're highly triggered? Thanks for reading my ramble! Welcome to the boards....the first thing I would like to understand is 1. Have you let him know that you would like it to be an official relationship? 2. Have you established any boundaries to protect your heart? The reason I ask is the I hear you say he acts this way and then that way and I can sense that the dynamic isn't working for you....but unless you make it clear what you want and put boundaries in place that if he doesn't meet those needs, he can't treat this as a casual thing...then he has no incentive to change...and your heart will become more and more attached with no promise from him of fidelity or an official relationship. I know that for me....affection is very important and I couldn't be with someone who I felt was withholding that. So...here is the thing....even if he were to come back..there is no guarantee he wouldn't feel engulfed and anxious again if you want to talk about a future. Ask yourself this question, Am I ok with taking it day by day with out any promise of a future? If that isn't what you are ok with...then no matter how much it hurts....it will be best to find someone who is capable of giving you what you need consistently. There is nothing wrong with saying...I want to be with someone I can plan a future with...however, it requires finding a person who is already able to do that...not hoping that someone who hasn't will magically change. A few things I do when I am n the midst of my abandonment story is I write down all the thoughts that churn in my head..no matter how ludicrous they are....then I try to remind myself that I don't really "know" and if I am going to ruminate...why not ruminate about something positive. Hugs. |
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Post by ulrike21 on Apr 10, 2018 18:55:17 GMT
After 15 months of, "not putting a label on it" from my DA - I gave up and told him so. I went no contact for 4 weeks until HE contacted me. He asked if we were getting back together! We are older than you are maybe? I'm 60 and he is 51. So I am not seeking marriage or even cohabiting, though I am open to either. I don't need them, as I am independent and have lived alone in NYC for 20 years taking care of myself. I have a good job, friends, social life and love my home.
But I do need to be able to trust, enjoy and respect anybody I am involved with.
I have grown a lot since meeting my DA. As confusing as it has been, with his push pull tendences. His intense need for privacy, space, alone time, independence. I get it. I have always been very needy in a relationship. I was under the impression that - if I was with somebody, we should be joined at the hip, sharing everything.
He will not let himself be vulnerable but I can see through that. I feel secure enough in myself to let him be himself. I don't want to change him. I realize that for anything to develop and grow between us, I have to continue to be independent. Have my own life and interests. Satisfy myself. In that way we can meet as equals and enjoy each other.
He runs from containment, needyness. He is open to reciprocity. He is not open to being tethered to me, or anyone.
I am going to give it another try. I have been married and I have been in, so called traditional relationships. They all ended. I have nothing to lose by trying his way.
I actually think I have a lot to gain because it is making me seek satisfaction from outside a significant other and I am already branching out into areas and activities that I previously would not have considered.
I am satisfying myself and making him an additional satisfaction rather than making him my all. In this way I think he will not feel smothered. I will be gaining valuable life experiences and it could be a win win!
Not for everybody and definitely not if younger and seeking a marriage and children.
Plus there are emotions at risk! I will keep you posted.
I would say - do not quench your needs and agree with tnr9 - there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with a person who is able to meet them. Be you.
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Post by Rookie on Apr 11, 2018 0:02:30 GMT
Thank you for sharing your story! My ex partner is 29 and he is exactly how you described- He runs from containment, needyness. He is open to reciprocity and reciprocated very well but he is not open to being tethered to me, or anyone. When I met him he would not let himself be vulnerable, but he shows me some of his vulnerability and which is why I thought maybe he is willing to put in some work to see this through. I called him again today to get the same answers I have been seeking for 2 weeks. Why did he leave me if he still likes me, if I'm the closest person in his life, if he is already regretting his decision... and I was met with the same answer - "im jut not sure about being in a relationship with you or anyone" I know I have to change the narrative from 'why was I not good enough for him?' to 'is he good enough for me?' But it's so hard to get there. Time and attention to self growth will heal everything, but goddamit can it happen today?!? I hope you find the joy in your company and grow and evolve with your partner. Wishing you all the very best. Hugs After 15 months of, "not putting a label on it" from my DA - I gave up and told him so. I went no contact for 4 weeks until HE contacted me. He asked if we were getting back together! We are older than you are maybe? I'm 60 and he is 51. So I am not seeking marriage or even cohabiting, though I am open to either. I don't need them, as I am independent and have lived alone in NYC for 20 years taking care of myself. I have a good job, friends, social life and love my home. But I do need to be able to trust, enjoy and respect anybody I am involved with. I have grown a lot since meeting my DA. As confusing as it has been, with his push pull tendences. His intense need for privacy, space, alone time, independence. I get it. I have always been very needy in a relationship. I was under the impression that - if I was with somebody, we should be joined at the hip, sharing everything. He will not let himself be vulnerable but I can see through that. I feel secure enough in myself to let him be himself. I don't want to change him. I realize that for anything to develop and grow between us, I have to continue to be independent. Have my own life and interests. Satisfy myself. In that way we can meet as equals and enjoy each other. He runs from containment, needyness. He is open to reciprocity. He is not open to being tethered to me, or anyone. I am going to give it another try. I have been married and I have been in, so called traditional relationships. They all ended. I have nothing to lose by trying his way. I actually think I have a lot to gain because it is making me seek satisfaction from outside a significant other and I am already branching out into areas and activities that I previously would not have considered. I am satisfying myself and making him an additional satisfaction rather than making him my all. In this way I think he will not feel smothered. I will be gaining valuable life experiences and it could be a win win! Not for everybody and definitely not if younger and seeking a marriage and children. Plus there are emotions at risk! I will keep you posted. I would say - do not quench your needs and agree with tnr9 - there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with a person who is able to meet them. Be you. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2018 1:40:30 GMT
hi Ruki
i'm DA and my partner is also.
we are happy together in our monogamous non-relationship. 😁
it's funny to me, i kind of get where other types are coming from (i think ) with the "official relationship" status but i am not sure i know exactly what that means. it confuses me a little. for me, sharing goals and priorities and values makes it official without saying anything to make it official.
I'm not sure if i understand commitment the same way.
or "future".
We don't talk about commitment or a future at all, i think it would give us both hives but i assume we will be together as long as we are happy, and we are very happy together.
Our focus is on the daily- today- and being kind and showing up.
However, i do understand the need to define a future if you aspire to have children, or marriage, or buy a home together or something. If those things are important to you, this will be difficult with his level of commitment resistance. Realistically, a family goal does have a time line and a commitment phobe could really mess you up, so if that's the case then stay really grounded about that.
My partner and i are both past that stage of life (i am still raising my children at home and his are grown) so none of that is a factor, and we prefer not to cohabit so these things don't matter to us.
I guess what i would say, is really consider, label or no, "future" or no, whether you and this man share the same VALUES.
know your deal breakers. know what you won't do without.
monogamy?
children?
marriage?
what's Really Important to you as an individual? is it important to him also? does he just say it, or does he live it?
there are things you can't afford to be ambiguous about if they are important to you. know what those things are.
my relationship , that i feel happy, stable, content and secure in , would be considered too ambiguous and free-wheelin' for a lot of people.
you have to really listen to your feelings and heart.
i don't know if any of that helps, but i'm supportive of you being true to yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2018 2:25:00 GMT
i walked away from this and was trying to come up with a better way to talk about the "official relationship" thing.
or commitment.
my partner and i haven't talked about a commitment, but we have promised and kept the promise to do our best to resolve any difficulty between us that might drive us apart.
so as long as we care about, care for, respect, and enjoy each other, and we promise to take care of our difficulties, that constitutes commitment to me, but a lot of people make a promise to be together long term without doing those things. i like our way better actually, it works for us.
i know from my conversations with my partner, that one reason we don't like the word relationship ior commitment is that there are so many absolutely shitty , labeled, committed things going on where the people don't even like each other. then they end and hate each other. it's happened to all of us. we don't like it.
So i view this "relationship" thing just exactly like a friendship. there is no need to define a friendship or commit to it and make it official. it just organically is, is important, is real, is valid, is reliable . if it's a good friendship. it is assumed to last as long as it makes both people happy. so good friends find ways to do that.
maybe it's another thread but that is what i think of when i think of "official relationship" . it's different in the case of logistics with kids and joint living but that's marriage and family vs relationship. it's so confusing.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 11, 2018 13:20:42 GMT
i walked away from this and was trying to come up with a better way to talk about the "official relationship" thing. or commitment. my partner and i haven't talked about a commitment, but we have promised and kept the promise to do our best to resolve any difficulty between us that might drive us apart. so as long as we care about, care for, respect, and enjoy each other, and we promise to take care of our difficulties, that constitutes commitment to me, but a lot of people make a promise to be together long term without doing those things. i like our way better actually, it works for us. i know from my conversations with my partner, that one reason we don't like the word relationship ior commitment is that there are so many absolutely shitty , labeled, committed things going on where the people don't even like each other. then they end and hate each other. it's happened to all of us. we don't like it. So i view this "relationship" thing just exactly like a friendship. there is no need to define a friendship or commit to it and make it official. it just organically is, is important, is real, is valid, is reliable . if it's a good friendship. it is assumed to last as long as it makes both people happy. so good friends find ways to do that. maybe it's another thread but that is what i think of when i think of "official relationship" . it's different in the case of logistics with kids and joint living but that's marriage and family vs relationship. it's so confusing. That is a good way to look at it....I know that I wanted things to be "official" really early on and that created undo pressure on the whole "getting to know you" phase. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2018 13:46:41 GMT
also, a lot of people push for commitment while squelching their needs and avoiding conflict....
that's backwards.
allow the potential for conflict by speaking out about your needs and boundaries, develop the ability to resolve it. see if that's even possible. that's how you find out if you're compatible.
then commitment is in the DOING, not just the saying.
that's the part that matters.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 12:26:46 GMT
Hi Ruki, I dated a really attractive, extremely intelligent, good natured guy once (ugh...I'm a sucker for looks...I'm realizing this is my Achilles heel and I'm changing to become less superficial this way..  ) who sounded like your ex. After a magical few weeks, he started distancing behavior by talking to random cute girls in my presence. I had no idea why he did that, honestly, because they weren't more attractive than me, but were dressed and made up outlandishly. I walked right away when he was talking to them, I think he got a shock when he turned around and I was gone. I felt hurt at first, but I knew about his reputation with women. There were many things to love about him, he was really one of the most decent guys in the group, generous, open, astute, with the most brilliant mind, but he had a problem with getting his life together. He couldn't quite believe in himself, and he wandered from woman to woman, job to job. I believe he had childhood trauma...I guessed it though. He never opened up about that. I was done being "savior" to men by then, and I walked away knowing that he would "drown", brilliant and decent as he was. So I know I'll always have a little space for Chris in my heart, but I was glad that my self-preservation kicked in and I left, NC and all. He had messier relationships after that, had a child, broke up with the mother of his child, left his high-paying, but soulless banking job, continued to organize parties and DJing part-time, living that same free-wheeling DA lifestyle. I'm so glad that I wasn't that smitten partner who had a child with him! Even the responsibility of becoming a proud father did not help him change his attachment style or push him to realize his true potential. You just had to congratulate yourself that you walked away. They don't change, unless they themselves made the huge effort to reset their lives. It's a lost cause. The sooner you understand that, the easier it is for you to leave this behind and walk towards the brighter future with better partners. |
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Post by Rookie on Apr 13, 2018 22:31:43 GMT
Hi, Thank you for taking the time to write about it from a DA's perspective. Much appreciated and helpful. I guess it was inevitable for us to have a "future" talk because I'm currently in a different country. And all I was talking about was moving in the same physical location as him ( no cohabitation or marriage) and I think that was too much for him. My anxious self finds it difficult to show up until I feel secure and it's the completely opposite for him. What's important for is knowing that the partnership is grounded in a strong foundation and for him to show me that he is in it too. But the truth is he wasn't in it because this worked for him as there is 3000 miles between us now. But being 2 miles away from him was not something he was ready for. I have to go home regardless and deal with the pain in close proximity, not ready for it but oh well...so it goes! hi Ruki i'm DA and my partner is also. we are happy together in our monogamous non-relationship. 😁 it's funny to me, i kind of get where other types are coming from (i think ) with the "official relationship" status but i am not sure i know exactly what that means. it confuses me a little. for me, sharing goals and priorities and values makes it official without saying anything to make it official. I'm not sure if i understand commitment the same way. or "future". We don't talk about commitment or a future at all, i think it would give us both hives but i assume we will be together as long as we are happy, and we are very happy together. Our focus is on the daily- today- and being kind and showing up. However, i do understand the need to define a future if you aspire to have children, or marriage, or buy a home together or something. If those things are important to you, this will be difficult with his level of commitment resistance. Realistically, a family goal does have a time line and a commitment phobe could really mess you up, so if that's the case then stay really grounded about that. My partner and i are both past that stage of life (i am still raising my children at home and his are grown) so none of that is a factor, and we prefer not to cohabit so these things don't matter to us. I guess what i would say, is really consider, label or no, "future" or no, whether you and this man share the same VALUES. know your deal breakers. know what you won't do without. monogamy? children? marriage? what's Really Important to you as an individual? is it important to him also? does he just say it, or does he live it? there are things you can't afford to be ambiguous about if they are important to you. know what those things are. my relationship , that i feel happy, stable, content and secure in , would be considered too ambiguous and free-wheelin' for a lot of people. you have to really listen to your feelings and heart. i don't know if any of that helps, but i'm supportive of you being true to yourself. |
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Post by Rookie on Apr 13, 2018 22:35:18 GMT
Yep! Trying to change the narrative from why wasn't I good enough to Can I see myself in a push-pull 'relationship' without loosing my mind. Also if he wanted to change, he would have taken the steps himself. He accepts he is an combination of FA/DA but that's all there is to it. No talk about putting in the hardworking to work on himself. Hi @ruki The part that gets me is the casual sex with other people. All DA's (as are people in general) are different. He sounds like he has difficulty with physical and emotional intimacy with the same partner. Is this ok with you? You have to go with the assumption that he won't ever change. |
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Post by Rookie on Apr 13, 2018 22:40:50 GMT
True! I know this is on me rather than him. I live on breadcrumbs and then complaint about being brokenhearted. He called me yesterday because he was overwhelmed with a lot of things going on in his life. I felt amazing because I was able to be there for him, I felt needed, I felt like this was my life purpose(what!?!). Cut to today - being vulnerable scared him so much he won't talk to me anymore. I empathize with him, his mind is not an easy place to be in. But I'm angry with myself, because all I can control is my mind...and I can't seem to get a grip. Hi Ruki, I dated a really attractive, extremely intelligent, good natured guy once (ugh...I'm a sucker for looks...I'm realizing this is my Achilles heel and I'm changing to become less superficial this way.. ) who sounded like your ex. After a magical few weeks, he started distancing behavior by talking to random cute girls in my presence. I had no idea why he did that, honestly, because they weren't more attractive than me, but were dressed and made up outlandishly. I walked right away when he was talking to them, I think he got a shock when he turned around and I was gone. I felt hurt at first, but I knew about his reputation with women. There were many things to love about him, he was really one of the most decent guys in the group, generous, open, astute, with the most brilliant mind, but he had a problem with getting his life together. He couldn't quite believe in himself, and he wandered from woman to woman, job to job. I believe he had childhood trauma...I guessed it though. He never opened up about that. I was done being "savior" to men by then, and I walked away knowing that he would "drown", brilliant and decent as he was. So I know I'll always have a little space for Chris in my heart, but I was glad that my self-preservation kicked in and I left, NC and all. He had messier relationships after that, had a child, broke up with the mother of his child, left his high-paying, but soulless banking job, continued to organize parties and DJing part-time, living that same free-wheeling DA lifestyle. I'm so glad that I wasn't that smitten partner who had a child with him! Even the responsibility of becoming a proud father did not help him change his attachment style or push him to realize his true potential. You just had to congratulate yourself that you walked away. They don't change, unless they themselves made the huge effort to reset their lives. It's a lost cause. The sooner you understand that, the easier it is for you to leave this behind and walk towards the brighter future with better partners. |
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) who sounded like your ex. After a magical few weeks, he started distancing behavior by talking to random cute girls in my presence. I had no idea why he did that, honestly, because they weren't more attractive than me, but were dressed and made up outlandishly. I walked right away when he was talking to them, I think he got a shock when he turned around and I was gone.