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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Jan 28, 2018 19:46:36 GMT
A big part of the community of posters here is going through or has recently gone through a divorce or a break up in their relationship. Some others, struggling to keep their relationship stable after being aware of their attachment differences and how it triggers all sort of conflicts that deteriorate their relationship.
My question goes for everybody who has had at least one long term relationship in their past, in particular for those who have been married and or living together for 2+ years:
Do you think that, when your 2+ years-cohabitating-LTR started to crumble, it could have stood a chance, had you been aware of attachment traumas/differences and how to tackle them better?
I know this is pure speculation and the question posted above is one I have been asking myself lately... all my few past relationships were dysfunctional from the attachment style sort of view. Every other important thing like values were in place... the push/pull behavior and daily "mistreatments" followed by fights killed all my relationships.
Another question: did you have the feeling that, after committing (either saying "I do" or moving in together) your attachment issues and your partner's became even more severe? There is an article that describes this phenomenon and I just want to know if it actually happens in real life, and if you have experienced it in your own relationships. Do you perhaps feel like elaborating what changed after committing that triggered a worse fear of abandonment/rejection/enmeshment?
Thanks.
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Post by mrob on Jan 29, 2018 2:26:11 GMT
Yes, definitely. Additionally, the conflict inside me grew the more there was to lose. I loved my wife in the best way I knew how, which, In one way, was by acting different to these awful, base feelings that I knew were self sabotaging.
Of course, I’d never heard of attachment styles and was so busy trying to maintain the status quo that nothing changed in me except the level of anxiety. I was puzzled and offended when she would involve her family in matters that I thought were none of their business. It all makes perfect sense now.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 20:04:46 GMT
I don't know. I was engaged and together with this man for 2 plus years and we moved in together, but cohabitating didn't last long. He was very controlling and verbally abusive. When we moved in together, it escalated fast to the point I wasn't able to leave the house. I had to get a restraining order to get out of the situation.
Even now, when I look back. I don't know if it had anything to do with attachment issues. He had AP qualities, but it went far beyond that. I know that nothing could've fixed that relationship. If I had been more self aware, maybe I wouldn't have chosen him or would have gotten out sooner.
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