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Post by madamebovary on Feb 1, 2018 6:02:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 14:23:21 GMT
I really like this statement from the article. "The love addict has a conscious fear of being abandoned and a subconscious fear of being controlled. In contrast, the love avoidant has a conscious fear of being controlled and a subconscious fear of being abandoned."
Oddly, I always found APs seemingly wanting to be controlled. They would also say "just tell me what to do" and I would say "I can't tell you what to do. Do whatever you want". I think they found this dismissive of me. But I do have a fear of being controlled, so I never want to impose control on my partner.
I think some people see the pulling back as a form of wanting to control, but for me, it was running away from engulfment. I think the control that the AP feels is the lack of control they have over their partner, not the avoidant wanting to control the situation. That's been my take on it.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 14:26:17 GMT
I really like this statement from the article. "The love addict has a conscious fear of being abandoned and a subconscious fear of being controlled. In contrast, the love avoidant has a conscious fear of being controlled and a subconscious fear of being abandoned." Oddly, I always found APs seemingly wanting to be controlled. They would also say "just tell me what to do" and I would say "I can't tell you what to do. Do whatever you want". I think they found this dismissive of me. But I do have a fear of being controlled, so I never want to impose control on my partner. I think some people see the pulling back as a form of wanting to control, but for me, it was running away from engulfment. I think the control that the AP feels is the lack of control they have over their partner, not the avoidant wanting to control the situation. That's been my take on it. mine too |
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Post by mrob on Feb 1, 2018 14:55:13 GMT
Yep. My take as well.
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 1, 2018 16:41:06 GMT
I found another post that resonated with me. Many of us have said Avoidant and Anxious are two sides of the same coin. I really do think if you’re in that relationship and both committed to stepping outside yourselves and learning and growing, there’s so much to be gained from us helping each other through it. She uses the terms Love Addict and Love Avoidant, but it’s the same thing, essentially. blog.melanietoniaevans.com/do-you-need-more-time-apart-or-need-more-time-together/ |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 18:56:31 GMT
I found another post that resonated with me. Many of us have said Avoidant and Anxious are two sides of the same coin. I really do think if you’re in that relationship and both committed to stepping outside yourselves and learning and growing, there’s so much to be gained from us helping each other through it. She uses the terms Love Addict and Love Avoidant, but it’s the same thing, essentially. blog.melanietoniaevans.com/do-you-need-more-time-apart-or-need-more-time-together/i have read a lot of her work, and it helped me a lot. I’ve been reading ravenously and working so much on this kind of stuff in the last three years trying to catch up on what i missed for over 40 years. its kind of weird dating while “awake” because there are a lot of things that people do, and that i have done before, that i have such a deep aversion to (like going out to eat with a partner, i haven’t gone into that problem yet. I haven’t done that since becoming more emotionally aware/available and i can’t bring myself to do it, it’s just a solid block of NO in my chest?!). Also i just read about “stashing” in the FA forum and realized i am a stasher and that feels bad. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Anyway- i do think the attachment styles could possibly work together if they were aware enough. My ex DA and I tried to help each other but he is much newer in therapy and i saw we were in such different places. (avoidant/avoidant) My therapist said i have worked a long way to secure and am experiencing things from a more secure standpoint which i find to be more painful in some ways, but it’s more a present tense normal kind of pain haha. Its all confusing to me still sometimes. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 1, 2018 20:16:50 GMT
It says avoidants tend to do risky behaviors or find sexual partners after a breakup. I would think they would be more prone to not wanting anything that resembles being intimate with someone.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 20:39:50 GMT
It says avoidants tend to do risky behaviors or find sexual partners after a breakup. I would think they would be more prone to not wanting anything that resembles being intimate with someone. I become a hermit after a breakup, but I do other distracting things, like this site lol. I won't be ready for another relationship for years. I'm hoping I'll be ready sooner this time though, because I'm not getting any younger  |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 1, 2018 20:45:19 GMT
I hope so too!
It seems a lot of the descriptors for AP/Av are so extreme. My ex Av said she had zero interest in a relationship, that she was too screwed up to be in one. She distracts with family and work
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 1, 2018 21:52:30 GMT
It says avoidants tend to do risky behaviors or find sexual partners after a breakup. I would think they would be more prone to not wanting anything that resembles being intimate with someone. I’ve been with several avoidant people, and I skewed avoidant in my late teens/early twenties. I could compartmentalize sex much better then and when I was overwhelmed, I would seek out guys that were already taken or really busy with school... guys I didn’t think would get attached emotionally, and use the sex as a kind of coping mechanism... like alcohol or exercise or whatever. I think they mean that. Casual, no strings sex. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 22:49:03 GMT
It says avoidants tend to do risky behaviors or find sexual partners after a breakup. I would think they would be more prone to not wanting anything that resembles being intimate with someone. i’ve done that in the past because the sex wasn’t intimate it was non- emotional. I have had to come to terms with the embarrassment i feel about that now that i am in touch. I am not a promiscuous type it just seemed impulsive and rationalized by me, looking back. It was understood by my liaison that it was not intimate and did not continue. So, i can confirm that behavior in my past and i am only sharing it to be honest not because i think it’s good or ok. it’s medicating. i have been clean and sober for 24 years so don’t do anything substance related for numbing or covering feelings and i guess that’s what i did. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 2, 2018 0:26:52 GMT
My ex FA/DA seems to be averse to sex because of her history of sexual trauma. She always had flashbacks until I came into her life. I could see her being more like, Mary.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2018 0:36:15 GMT
My ex FA/DA seems to be averse to sex because of her history of sexual trauma. She always had flashbacks until I came into her life. I could see her being more like, Mary. I have found that, coming to the place i am now with all of this, i feel healthy and safe and very connected with my sexuality. I never experienced a lack of interest there although i have heard that many DA’s do. I think it can be an extremely complex issue. Of course. But when i engaged in the aforementioned behavior i was very cut off emotionally. To the point i feel a little sad for my past self |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 2, 2018 1:44:06 GMT
Don't judge yourself,tgat. This is where you have to practice acceptance and the behaviors made sense at the time and you did not have the knowledge and skills you do now.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2018 2:19:13 GMT
Don't judge yourself,tgat. This is where you have to practice acceptance and the behaviors made sense at the time and you did not have the knowledge and skills you do now. thank you bedlam. i feel sad a bit because i have dealt with really a LOT of things but fine tuning the relationship stuff hasn’t ever been an interest or priority till now, and this board brings up stuff that looks awful from the outside but just hurts from the inside. but it does help to read and talk about it here especially now that the “two sides” seem to be more supportive of each other? it seems to be quite warm here for the most part and that helps me a lot. |
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