Post by david21 on Feb 7, 2018 19:00:47 GMT
Been feeling pretty down the past couple of days. Thought I’d come here and talk it out...
When I think back to what attracted me to my ex (whom I now believe to be DA) it was no doubt her lack of emotion. At first it was super refreshing. I remember bragging to my friends that I had met a “unicorn”. However it wasn’t long before it became odd. She never showed any emotion, and I mean any. Sure she smiled or laughed the odd time but never any genuine true emotion, positive or negative. As a result, I never knew where I stood, where she stood, if she was happy, sad...mad etc. Compounding the confusion was the fact that she didn’t ever want to communicate about anything. Any time I’d try to talk about something deep regarding us, the relationship or feelings she’d make it clear, without directly saying so, that she didn’t want to discuss it. It seemed that anything that wasn’t surface level was of limits. This made it very difficult for me and only magnified my AP as I always felt I was “out in the cold” so to speak when it came to the important parts of our relationship.
This type of behaviour made me insecure in many aspects of or relationship. Because she didn’t express or show emotion I felt no matter what I did or accomplished she didn’t care. For example, I’m an international award winning photographer. When she would see any of my work the most I could get out of her was “that’s nice”. I felt like I could have gone to the moon and back and she wouldn’t have cared. She moved while we were dating and she didn’t have anything for her walls. I offered her to give her one of my most popular images. The image has birds in it but they were not the focal point of the image. Her reaction? “I don’t like birds”. It hurt. She also sometimes passively aggressively made fun of some of my interests. On top of all of this she despised any sort of physical affection, giving or receiving. Combine those few traits alone and it made for a very lonely relationship.
When she broke up with me (via text) she said that I deserved to be with someone who shows me their emotions and doesn’t make me feel insecure, and that she didn’t think I would ever be happy with how little she communicated, finishing by saying that the girl who ends up with me is going to be the luckiest girl. What I don’t understand is how you could have a relationship without communication and showing emotion (ie: being vulnerable)? I mean, isn’t that the core foundation of any intimate relationship?
Is this type of extremely cold, aloof and seemingly totally uncaring behaviour typical for avoidants?
The interesting thing I’ve realized is this type of behaviour is my father in a nut shell, and I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to “win his approval” to no avail. Like my ex, no matter what kind of monumental achievement I made in life my father seemed like he couldn’t care less. In fact, the bigger the achievement the less he cared (or showed anyways). I’m certain that this is what not only attracted me to my ex but what’s also keeping me stuck. I just need to find a way to break the attachment somehow....
Anyways, bit of a long post but would appreciate the input of those who feel they have anything to add or share.
When I think back to what attracted me to my ex (whom I now believe to be DA) it was no doubt her lack of emotion. At first it was super refreshing. I remember bragging to my friends that I had met a “unicorn”. However it wasn’t long before it became odd. She never showed any emotion, and I mean any. Sure she smiled or laughed the odd time but never any genuine true emotion, positive or negative. As a result, I never knew where I stood, where she stood, if she was happy, sad...mad etc. Compounding the confusion was the fact that she didn’t ever want to communicate about anything. Any time I’d try to talk about something deep regarding us, the relationship or feelings she’d make it clear, without directly saying so, that she didn’t want to discuss it. It seemed that anything that wasn’t surface level was of limits. This made it very difficult for me and only magnified my AP as I always felt I was “out in the cold” so to speak when it came to the important parts of our relationship.
This type of behaviour made me insecure in many aspects of or relationship. Because she didn’t express or show emotion I felt no matter what I did or accomplished she didn’t care. For example, I’m an international award winning photographer. When she would see any of my work the most I could get out of her was “that’s nice”. I felt like I could have gone to the moon and back and she wouldn’t have cared. She moved while we were dating and she didn’t have anything for her walls. I offered her to give her one of my most popular images. The image has birds in it but they were not the focal point of the image. Her reaction? “I don’t like birds”. It hurt. She also sometimes passively aggressively made fun of some of my interests. On top of all of this she despised any sort of physical affection, giving or receiving. Combine those few traits alone and it made for a very lonely relationship.
When she broke up with me (via text) she said that I deserved to be with someone who shows me their emotions and doesn’t make me feel insecure, and that she didn’t think I would ever be happy with how little she communicated, finishing by saying that the girl who ends up with me is going to be the luckiest girl. What I don’t understand is how you could have a relationship without communication and showing emotion (ie: being vulnerable)? I mean, isn’t that the core foundation of any intimate relationship?
Is this type of extremely cold, aloof and seemingly totally uncaring behaviour typical for avoidants?
The interesting thing I’ve realized is this type of behaviour is my father in a nut shell, and I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to “win his approval” to no avail. Like my ex, no matter what kind of monumental achievement I made in life my father seemed like he couldn’t care less. In fact, the bigger the achievement the less he cared (or showed anyways). I’m certain that this is what not only attracted me to my ex but what’s also keeping me stuck. I just need to find a way to break the attachment somehow....
Anyways, bit of a long post but would appreciate the input of those who feel they have anything to add or share.
