Lola
Junior Member
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Post by Lola on Feb 8, 2018 6:45:42 GMT
My boyfriend and I had not been doing feel for a long time. Things went really downhill and we did no contact for 2 weeks, after which he wanted to talk, but I lagged talking with one another for 2 more weeks. It actually turned out to be bliss. Initially I went through a very traumatic experience, which shut me off, as my boyfriend completely abandoned me. Looking back I see that what APs believe (that they really are alone) is true!!! And you should embrace it- be your own person. I am fine with being on my own and now when we are together I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings or reaching out to him. I still do my best to do that, because I know what it's like to be on the other end of the scale, but I don't know for how long that will work. So my question is whether anyone has ever shifted from one end of the spectrum to the other? Was it long lasting? Do you think it was real or a delusion? Thanks!  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 14:25:19 GMT
I think people go with the coping mechanism that works for them and something can happen in their life that develops or changes how they cope. Trauma in my life made me DA, I wasn't born that way.
It's possible you have developed or changed. It's also possible you are realizing he is not the partner for you.
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Feb 8, 2018 15:12:40 GMT
My boyfriend and I had not been doing feel for a long time. Things went really downhill and we did no contact for 2 weeks, after which he wanted to talk, but I lagged talking with one another for 2 more weeks. It actually turned out to be bliss. Initially I went through a very traumatic experience, which shut me off, as my boyfriend completely abandoned me. Looking back I see that what APs believe (that they really are alone) is true!!! And you should embrace it- be your own person. I am fine with being on my own and now when we are together I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings or reaching out to him. I still do my best to do that, because I know what it's like to be on the other end of the scale, but I don't know for how long that will work. So my question is whether anyone has ever shifted from one end of the spectrum to the other? Was it long lasting? Do you think it was real or a delusion? Thanks! There is a difference between being alone and feeling alone. Yes we are all alone - we are all one single person and nobody has responsibility over our lives except for ourselves (as adults), but we also live in community so the term "alone" is subjective. Feeling alone is a totally different story. When you decide to open up and trust your life to somebody, when you allow for intimacy and have the other's person best interest at heart, offer support and give resources, this already puts you in a vulnerable place. If the other person dismisses your attempts for connection, then you can feel very alone in spite of being in a relationship. True bliss in a relationship comes when both of you feel like you hold each other's backs, not when you feel that it is awesome to embrace your own individuality. You might as well stay single and still feel awesome about yourself and your one-ness. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 8, 2018 16:13:43 GMT
My boyfriend and I had not been doing feel for a long time. Things went really downhill and we did no contact for 2 weeks, after which he wanted to talk, but I lagged talking with one another for 2 more weeks. It actually turned out to be bliss. Initially I went through a very traumatic experience, which shut me off, as my boyfriend completely abandoned me. Looking back I see that what APs believe (that they really are alone) is true!!! And you should embrace it- be your own person. I am fine with being on my own and now when we are together I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings or reaching out to him. I still do my best to do that, because I know what it's like to be on the other end of the scale, but I don't know for how long that will work. So my question is whether anyone has ever shifted from one end of the spectrum to the other? Was it long lasting? Do you think it was real or a delusion? Thanks! There is a difference between being alone and feeling alone. Yes we are all alone - we are all one single person and nobody has responsibility over our lives except for ourselves (as adults), but we also live in community so the term "alone" is subjective. Feeling alone is a totally different story. When you decide to open up and trust your life to somebody, when you allow for intimacy and have the other's person best interest at heart, offer support and give resources, this already puts you in a vulnerable place. If the other person dismisses your attempts for connection, then you can feel very alone in spite of being in a relationship. True bliss in a relationship comes when both of you feel like you hold each other's backs, not when you feel that it is awesome to embrace your own individuality. You might as well stay single and still feel awesome about yourself and your one-ness. I don't feel lonely now that I'm alone. I felt lonely when I wasn't alone with my ex-girlfriend. From an attachment point of view, being with her was the same as not being with domeone. With that clarity, the odds of me repeating such a relationship are zero. |
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Post by gaynxious on Feb 8, 2018 18:19:14 GMT
At a point in my anxious avoidant relationship I definitely became more avoidant as a coping mechanism. Initially out of trying to minimize the pain of my situation and also out of resentment I pulled back and thought of my relationship in terms of a practical and temporary situation that prolly wouldn't last but satisfied some needs.
I don't think I actually changed my attachment style but I know this behavior reduced my dissatisfaction and also was reinforced by my avoidant partner reaching out more as he felt more lonely that I was around less and probably felt less overwhelmed.
It was a particularly bad development for the relationship though. I was more aloft and really lost a lot of my empathetic connection to him. His feelings ment less to me and if I felt like hurting him it was easy to justify it as him deserving it for not satisfying my feelings. It was during this time that some bad habits and dynamics developed that made him less committed to the relationship later on. Basically he was scared of me and felt unheard and felt I didn't care about him.
Even after I reentered the relationship and wanted to build a more healthy foundation the damage was done.
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 8, 2018 19:03:38 GMT
I don't feel lonely now that I'm alone. I felt lonely when I wasn't alone with my ex-girlfriend. From an attachment point of view, being with her was the same as not being with domeone. With that clarity, the odds of me repeating such a relationship are zero. Was your ex-girlfriend an avoidant? In that case, I can totally understand how you don't feel lonely now. |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Feb 8, 2018 20:26:25 GMT
I was more aloft and really lost a lot of my empathetic connection to him. His feelings ment less to me and if I felt like hurting him it was easy to justify it as him deserving it for not satisfying my feelings. It was during this time that some bad habits and dynamics developed that made him less committed to the relationship later on. Basically he was scared of me and felt unheard and felt I didn't care about him. Even after I reentered the relationship and wanted to build a more healthy foundation the damage was done.I feel that. There's no end to this only if you end the relationship. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 8, 2018 22:01:26 GMT
I don't feel lonely now that I'm alone. I felt lonely when I wasn't alone with my ex-girlfriend. From an attachment point of view, being with her was the same as not being with domeone. With that clarity, the odds of me repeating such a relationship are zero. Was your ex-girlfriend an avoidant? In that case, I can totally understand how you don't feel lonely now. She was, and though I initially thought she was dismissive, I have since changed that to her being fearful. The latest change in my search for which form of avoidant she is has led me to the final conclusion that, in the end, it doesn't actually matter and that my focus should be on myself and getting to a place from where I can openly and fully love again, and I think I reached that place around 9 months after the breakup, when I got back to my secure core, and have been maintaining it steadily for over a year now. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 10:24:06 GMT
At a point in my anxious avoidant relationship I definitely became more avoidant as a coping mechanism. Initially out of trying to minimize the pain of my situation and also out of resentment I pulled back and thought of my relationship in terms of a practical and temporary situation that prolly wouldn't last but satisfied some needs. I don't think I actually changed my attachment style but I know this behavior reduced my dissatisfaction and also was reinforced by my avoidant partner reaching out more as he felt more lonely that I was around less and probably felt less overwhelmed. It was a particularly bad development for the relationship though. I was more aloft and really lost a lot of my empathetic connection to him. His feelings ment less to me and if I felt like hurting him it was easy to justify it as him deserving it for not satisfying my feelings. It was during this time that some bad habits and dynamics developed that made him less committed to the relationship later on. Basically he was scared of me and felt unheard and felt I didn't care about him. Even after I reentered the relationship and wanted to build a more healthy foundation the damage was done. Mmm, I hear you. I am also in a state where I’m avoidant now and I really try to cut my attachment to him so that I don’t get triggered or clingy or hurt. The downside is I sometimes don’t quite care if he’s having a terrible time because I’ve reduced my connection and Iinvestment in his wellbeing, and while I say comfortig things, I think it’s obvious. I used to be concerned if he was doing ok and if he needed help (never of course), but now it’s like meh, deal with it yourself. That’s what he seems to think of me anyways. Not sure what I can do to build a more healthy foundation and if I could change this attitude. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 20, 2018 0:11:30 GMT
Yes, I think people can move along the spectrum partly in relation to the person they have feelings for or are in relation with. For me, if the other person is more avoidant than I am, I can become anxious, and vice-versa. I think sometimes avoidant people are AP people who got tired of the pain at some point in their life.
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Post by gaynxious on Feb 21, 2018 22:46:05 GMT
I've definitely read somewhere that sometimes APs change to avoidant as a result of a bad breakup. My guess is this is an easier transition than to secure, healthy changes are always harder hehe. But there are definitely cases where you change your attachment within the relationship and some people have different attachments to different people. I was super anxious with my avoidant ex and now I struggle not to be avoidant with an extremely anxious man I am seeing.
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Feb 24, 2018 11:24:23 GMT
Yes, I think people can move along the spectrum partly in relation to the person they have feelings for or are in relation with. For me, if the other person is more avoidant than I am, I can become anxious, and vice-versa. I think sometimes avoidant people are AP people who got tired of the pain at some point in their life. I think that's happening to me, except that the AP side has it's cameo once in a while |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Feb 24, 2018 11:26:13 GMT
I've definitely read somewhere that sometimes APs change to avoidant as a result of a bad breakup. My guess is this is an easier transition than to secure, healthy changes are always harder hehe. But there are definitely cases where you change your attachment within the relationship and some people have different attachments to different people. I was super anxious with my avoidant ex and now I struggle not to be avoidant with an extremely anxious man I am seeing. I think whether it's that if you're with someone anxious their anxiety frustrates you and makes you need more space... maybe APs are partially and unintentionally responsible for the avoidance they receive |
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 26, 2018 0:50:32 GMT
I've definitely read somewhere that sometimes APs change to avoidant as a result of a bad breakup. My guess is this is an easier transition than to secure, healthy changes are always harder hehe. But there are definitely cases where you change your attachment within the relationship and some people have different attachments to different people. I was super anxious with my avoidant ex and now I struggle not to be avoidant with an extremely anxious man I am seeing. I think whether it's that if you're with someone anxious their anxiety frustrates you and makes you need more space... maybe APs are partially and unintentionally responsible for the avoidance they receive Maybe. I have had a couple more avoidant people say that they were partly disassociating because they perceive me as expecting them to be a different person than they are, and I think "No, I'm totally in love with you!" but really it's true in that I'm wishing they would be more present, actively trying, and less likely to disappear. I suppose in that sense I did want them to be different from who they were, though you would think wanting someone to put more effort into a relationship should be an okay thing to want... |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Feb 26, 2018 13:47:01 GMT
I think whether it's that if you're with someone anxious their anxiety frustrates you and makes you need more space... maybe APs are partially and unintentionally responsible for the avoidance they receive Maybe. I have had a couple more avoidant people say that they were partly disassociating because they perceive me as expecting them to be a different person than they are, and I think "No, I'm totally in love with you!" but really it's true in that I'm wishing they would be more present, actively trying, and less likely to disappear. I suppose in that sense I did want them to be different from who they were, though you would think wanting someone to put more effort into a relationship should be an okay thing to want... Sounds like gaslighting.. unintentional though. DAs often say that, but that is because, as my DA put it, it is like they are poor and you are asking money from them. That's stupid though. Not in their eyes, but in ours, because it doesn't cost them anything to be more present. It is only discomfort, but once that is gone you notice the AP back off... giving them space and Ta-Daaahh the DA gets the space desired and the AP gets their independence back. However, DAs feel as if their attachment style is linked to their personhood, so he is kind of right in that sense, since he believes that wanting space is who he is |
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