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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 13:25:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 17:27:54 GMT
This is an interesting piece. I see some of the AP protest behaviors as my standard operating procedure, but not used in protest. Its just my normal behavior.
For instance:
Sitting silently “engrossed” in the paper - I have definitely done this, but for me to be in silence with someone doing other things is normal to me. It's not to ignore the other person. My ex was triggered by this and I never understood it. Whenever I attended to something else in his presence, he would go nuts.
We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore - I have definitely said this, but I meant it. It's what I was thinking and it wasn't an effort to get them to not leave. I was hoping they would leave. They never did and came at me with more intensity. I never knew why this would have the opposite effect.
Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans - I have done this, but I was actually busy or had plans at the time. I don't ignore calls, but I do respond on my own time and I understand my timeline may not be the same as others. Half a day and my partner was pissed! I just thought he was impatient.
It makes me wonder if APs know they do these behaviors in "protest", so when the outward behavior of another matches these, they think the other person is acting this way out of protest? They can't see this may actually be true behavior for others?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 18:57:47 GMT
This is cut straight from the book this forum is derived from: "Avoidant: How to love (or leave) a dismissive partner." There is a similarly lengthy piece on avoidants.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 9, 2018 20:02:07 GMT
I've read this as well and can see some of my behaviors in it too.
I think like all styles, there are degrees in which these behaviors happen. For instance, I have never been one to keep texting or calling or making demands for attention; I would just sit on the other side feeling very anxious and writing negative stories about myself and catastrophic outcomes. AP's create the very thing they fear, being abandoned.
I did however do other things like act out when I saw my ex by being aloof and holding in anger towards him for something the did. This drove him crazy as he would ask what's wrong and I would say nothing but act like a bratty a-hole. Ironically, he did the same as an avoidant!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 20:45:00 GMT
i was reading some of the articles last night and found his insight into the pain of Dismissives to be so helpful and validating.
i was amazed at some of the things he validated for me.
There is so much pain and sorrow internally on both sides they just manifest so differently!
the only way to grow through it is to recognize what we need to address and heal in ourselves.
we act out our patterns in exact opposite ways. but the original wounding was devastating for all of us.
it’s incredibke stuff.
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Post by yasmin on Feb 9, 2018 21:30:57 GMT
Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping [partner] will stop you from leaving.
• Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.
These are the two AP protest behaviors I have.
I'm working on stopping these! !
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 22:46:30 GMT
Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping [partner] will stop you from leaving. • Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t. These are the two AP protest behaviors I have. I'm working on stopping these! ! The irony that AP protest can be a threat to end the relationship, while FA/DA protest is just ending it outright (though they may come back.) |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 9, 2018 23:41:08 GMT
Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping [partner] will stop you from leaving. • Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t. These are the two AP protest behaviors I have. I'm working on stopping these! ! The irony that AP protest can be a threat to end the relationship, while FA/DA protest is just ending it outright (though they may come back.) I am FA so I actually do BOTH. Sigh |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 23:46:47 GMT
Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping [partner] will stop you from leaving. • Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t. These are the two AP protest behaviors I have. I'm working on stopping these! ! The irony that AP protest can be a threat to end the relationship, while FA/DA protest is just ending it outright (though they may come back.) For me, the difference is, it's not protest behavior. I actually do want to end the relationship. I probably do end relationships prematurely when compared to others, however when I look back, I wouldn't change it. I ended them for good reasons. The problem is, past APs, didn't "believe" I wanted to end it, so they continued to pursue, to contact, and to call, For me, it was not "coming back, but I would reply after countless texts or calls out of politeness or sometimes sympathy. Sometimes I did give the wrong message after a breakup, but it's not my nature to ignore and some were relentless. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 18:54:25 GMT
The irony that AP protest can be a threat to end the relationship, while FA/DA protest is just ending it outright (though they may come back.) For me, the difference is, it's not protest behavior. I actually do want to end the relationship. I probably do end relationships prematurely when compared to others, however when I look back, I wouldn't change it. I ended them for good reasons. The problem is, past APs, didn't "believe" I wanted to end it, so they continued to pursue, to contact, and to call, For me, it was not "coming back, but I would reply after countless texts or calls out of politeness or sometimes sympathy. Sometimes I did give the wrong message after a breakup, but it's not my nature to ignore and some were relentless. yep |
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