Post by alpenglow on Feb 13, 2018 7:59:44 GMT
After my recent quandry regarding the logic in dating or not while one does not love oneself enough (in the thread called "Don't date if you don't love yourself enough?), and my recent heartbreak over a budding relationship which didn't work out due to my insecurity and other factors, I decided to keep on doing work on myself and keep dating anyway.
The "post-breakup" thread clearly shows that most, if not all APs suffer from low self-esteem, lack of self-love, so I am far from being alone in this situation.
Last week I went on a date with a woman, which consisted in going cross-country skiing together, followed by a sort of picnic by a fire.
Original and cosy date which lasted for 3 hours. I didn't really feel any connection with that woman though. I am left with a neutral feeling, where I equally wouldn't mind seeing her again, and wouldn't mind not seeing her again.
Perhaps I felt slighly uncomfortable during the date, as it is not super easy to have a good conversation while skiing. I might also still have been influenced by the emotional toll and depressive thoughts caused by the recent heartbreak.
In the litterature, it is advised for APs to keep dating people with whom they don't feel a strong spark with, as their attachment system is not triggered. Secure people can easily be confused with "boring" people.
Something to keep in mind. Yesterday, this woman sent me a message asking if I would like us to meet again, this time probably over a coffee in town. I haven't made up my mind yet, because of my neutral stance and also because I met another woman yesterday.
So yesterday, I met a different one, whom I had been chatting with online for the past few weeks. I had zero expectations and didn't care much about the date.
She looked a lot more attractive physically in person than in the pictures I had looked at. My "type", in so far as people have a physical type.
We clicked very quickly, and the conversation flow was just as great as with the one I had the mini-relationship with a month ago. She came across as a seemingly very smart person, with a high degree of self-reflection. We share many similar interests (outdoor sports, nature, life on the countryside, thirst for knowledge....), and seem to have shared values etc. We chatted for 3 hours at this coffee place, and time just flew by! We talked about many different things. In the conversation, some psychology talk came up at some point (because I study it and she had studied it for one year herself). She mentioned how fascinating it is how the amygdala (flight-freeze-fight response) in the brain can totally hijack our brain emotionally. Very relevant to everything that is talked about on these forums! I just find it extremely attractive to be able to have this type of conversation and level of comprehension with another person! On a first date, haha. But of course we talked about a lot more mondane stuff as well. We both agreed that it was very easy to talk to one another. All in all, quite deep connection, just the way I like it!
When we left, she gave me a long tight hug and suggested herself to meet again this coming Thursday if I'm up for it. It is now agreed on.
I no longer seem to attract avoidant people while dating, but I am still looking for signs. With these two women, I don't see any telltale sign so far. They both seem secure and confident.
What I'm left wondering about is how to distinguish between attraction and the activation of my attachment system.
Am I attracted to the second one because of our connection level, or because my attachment system is somehow activated? Might she not be compatible, and as a result, I feel attracted to her without being aware of it?
Am I not attracted to the first one because she might in the end be compatible with me, but she doesn't trigger anything in me?
To me strong connection is what I go for, even with friendships. We do need to find resonance with people we meet, right? Isn't that a sound base?
With the woman I dated a month ago, I came across as a confident and secure person until we had sex together. Then my activation system got triggered internally, because I became worried and anxious about loosing her. I sensed a shift in her, which triggered my anxiety. My confidence levels dropped, which is something she felt, and she lost her attraction for me as a result. Also because it reminded her of a bad experience she had had previousy with an AP guy.
If I follow my gut feeling and spend more time with the new woman I clicked with yesterday, I need to divert my attachment system somehow. I've been focusing on mindfulness exercises lately. Something to keep me more grounded. Last night, I could feel that I was totally in the now, but probably already too much into the other person. The moment I felt that I was slightly disconnected with myself is when I went for a bathroom break just before we left the coffee place. I could suddenly feel my body again. Strange sensation. I could also feel the emotional high of clicking with someone. It really does something in your brain that is highly pleasurable.
In order to keep my attachment system in the background, I should probably delay kissing and having sex (if it ever goes this far with this person), because now I know how much this messes up my brain. All these chemicals in the brain make me super attached and there is no going back. I didn't feel as strong a sexual attraction with the one from yesterday (with the one I dated a month ago, the sexual tension was very strong on both sides), which is something I am actually sort of thankful for, because this makes things more manageable.
The "post-breakup" thread clearly shows that most, if not all APs suffer from low self-esteem, lack of self-love, so I am far from being alone in this situation.
Last week I went on a date with a woman, which consisted in going cross-country skiing together, followed by a sort of picnic by a fire.
Original and cosy date which lasted for 3 hours. I didn't really feel any connection with that woman though. I am left with a neutral feeling, where I equally wouldn't mind seeing her again, and wouldn't mind not seeing her again.
Perhaps I felt slighly uncomfortable during the date, as it is not super easy to have a good conversation while skiing. I might also still have been influenced by the emotional toll and depressive thoughts caused by the recent heartbreak.
In the litterature, it is advised for APs to keep dating people with whom they don't feel a strong spark with, as their attachment system is not triggered. Secure people can easily be confused with "boring" people.
Something to keep in mind. Yesterday, this woman sent me a message asking if I would like us to meet again, this time probably over a coffee in town. I haven't made up my mind yet, because of my neutral stance and also because I met another woman yesterday.
So yesterday, I met a different one, whom I had been chatting with online for the past few weeks. I had zero expectations and didn't care much about the date.
She looked a lot more attractive physically in person than in the pictures I had looked at. My "type", in so far as people have a physical type.
We clicked very quickly, and the conversation flow was just as great as with the one I had the mini-relationship with a month ago. She came across as a seemingly very smart person, with a high degree of self-reflection. We share many similar interests (outdoor sports, nature, life on the countryside, thirst for knowledge....), and seem to have shared values etc. We chatted for 3 hours at this coffee place, and time just flew by! We talked about many different things. In the conversation, some psychology talk came up at some point (because I study it and she had studied it for one year herself). She mentioned how fascinating it is how the amygdala (flight-freeze-fight response) in the brain can totally hijack our brain emotionally. Very relevant to everything that is talked about on these forums! I just find it extremely attractive to be able to have this type of conversation and level of comprehension with another person! On a first date, haha. But of course we talked about a lot more mondane stuff as well. We both agreed that it was very easy to talk to one another. All in all, quite deep connection, just the way I like it!
When we left, she gave me a long tight hug and suggested herself to meet again this coming Thursday if I'm up for it. It is now agreed on.
I no longer seem to attract avoidant people while dating, but I am still looking for signs. With these two women, I don't see any telltale sign so far. They both seem secure and confident.
What I'm left wondering about is how to distinguish between attraction and the activation of my attachment system.
Am I attracted to the second one because of our connection level, or because my attachment system is somehow activated? Might she not be compatible, and as a result, I feel attracted to her without being aware of it?
Am I not attracted to the first one because she might in the end be compatible with me, but she doesn't trigger anything in me?
To me strong connection is what I go for, even with friendships. We do need to find resonance with people we meet, right? Isn't that a sound base?
With the woman I dated a month ago, I came across as a confident and secure person until we had sex together. Then my activation system got triggered internally, because I became worried and anxious about loosing her. I sensed a shift in her, which triggered my anxiety. My confidence levels dropped, which is something she felt, and she lost her attraction for me as a result. Also because it reminded her of a bad experience she had had previousy with an AP guy.
If I follow my gut feeling and spend more time with the new woman I clicked with yesterday, I need to divert my attachment system somehow. I've been focusing on mindfulness exercises lately. Something to keep me more grounded. Last night, I could feel that I was totally in the now, but probably already too much into the other person. The moment I felt that I was slightly disconnected with myself is when I went for a bathroom break just before we left the coffee place. I could suddenly feel my body again. Strange sensation. I could also feel the emotional high of clicking with someone. It really does something in your brain that is highly pleasurable.
In order to keep my attachment system in the background, I should probably delay kissing and having sex (if it ever goes this far with this person), because now I know how much this messes up my brain. All these chemicals in the brain make me super attached and there is no going back. I didn't feel as strong a sexual attraction with the one from yesterday (with the one I dated a month ago, the sexual tension was very strong on both sides), which is something I am actually sort of thankful for, because this makes things more manageable.