Dating someone new, trying not to be FA!

That's SUCH a great idea!!! I never thought of that. Thank you!

Honestly, it's difficult to say what drives it, but I think in that moment I absolutely know for sure that the person is going to dump me / hurt me / see the real me and stop liking me and it feels much easier to just jump the gun on them and get it overwith. At the time, these small signifies seem completely real to me as indications the person doesn't like me and I'm not able to see logically that I am being irrational.

What I am noticing is that fearful avoidance is such a spectrum and it seems to manifest differently in various people. I seem to have only some parts of the characteristics of each attachment style, and only parts of the deactivation / protest strategies of avoidance and anxiety.

The avoidant behaviors I have are:

1) I push people away initially to avoid giving the relationship a chance
2) I need a lot of time alone and am very self reliant
3) I make statements about being no good at commitment and not ready for commitment even though I actually want this I deep down feel I don't need it
4) I am drawn to relationships with people who are unavailable (at least 80% of my relationships have been long distance)

The ones I DON'T have are focusing on imperfections in a partner, pining after the fantasy ex or "the one", flirting with others, being evasive, not saying "I love you", pulling away when things are going well, “Checking out mentally”, avoiding physical closeness. So I know I don't have to worry about those parts of avoidant behaviors.

The anxious behaviors that I have are:

1) I'm suspicious of others’ intentions, words, and actions and tend to read negatives into every little thing.
2) Thinking a lot about the person I am dating and focusing only on their good qualities
3) Anxious feelings after any change or perceived change in their behavior
4) Keeping score: Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until such time.
5) Trying to attention seek / make people jealous and being manipulative

The ones I DON'T have are: feeling like the person is "the one", calling, texting and pressuring my partner for a lot of contact, acting hostile, making threats, emotional displays etc., controlling behavior, jealousy.

I don't have all the characteristic all the time either, or in every situation, but usually just at the very start of new relationships where I am feeling very vulnerable at someone's intentions with me. Obviously these are all pretty off-putting characteristics though!!! And worse, I can swing from day to day with which I am feeling (avoidant or anxious) depending on small signals from the other person.

So for example; the guy I am currently dating sent me flowers on valentines day, plus a video message, plus 3 phonecalls, plus a text in the morning and I felt totally smothered and started listing in my head all the stuff I didn't like about him. Then the next day he was very quiet because he was busy and I found myself freaking out that he didn't like me and suddenly I felt very anxious and started protest behavior and very much felt like dumping him.

It's such a crappy way to feel. This is all supposed to be fun not so stressful.

I think giving it a deadline is a wonderful idea. I might say to myself then to give this 30 days and assess how I feel afterwards. I am sure getting dumped or let down can't be as bad as feeling this way!!! It ruins every darn relationship except for the ones where the guy likes me soooo much that he tolerates being dumped 80 times. It's not a mature way to be and I feel so bad about being like this.

I do know, on a positive note, that once I am actually dating someone / committed, that all these behaviors completely disappear and I don't really experience them at all - aside maybe for a need for a lot of space and autonomy as well as intimacy and connection. I think the reason I like LDRs so much is because I get what I need from it: intimacy at a distance.

Gosh this is difficult stuff - brilliant work for even getting as far as dating Yasmin - I just can't imagine it for myself for many of the reasons you have listed.

Of course I am not the person to give advice here - but from what you've written perhaps the majority of the battle is just noticing your behaviours - the coldness, the lack of consistency etc and then instead of beating yourself up and forcing change, sitting with compassion for the fear behind all of this, allowing it to just be there and pass by without reacting.

I so get everything you've written - I have just been out with my ex who clearly wants to discuss us - gives me time and space to do so and yet again I find myself skirting around the issues, walking away without being honest about what I feel. It is like a terrible wall of cement - on the other side which lies closeness and vulnerability whilst I sit firmly in my ice cave.

Love to you and thank you for being so honest.

Well. I'm not doing well on my 30 day plan. I broke it off today.

I'm really confused about whether I'm being avoidabt or whether I just think the relationship is wrong for me.

Today is one of those days I feel like I'm just cut out to be alone.

It wasn't many days lol. But I do feel it was the right decision and wasn't based on avoidance or anxiety (at least I think so right now).

Basically, he started off pursuing me intensely, and then started pulling back a little subtly over the last few days and said a few things I found really off putting. For example he phoned me really late the other night and woke me up and he was talking about how he had developed strong feelings for me very quickly and it was freaking him out. Then today he said something about not wanting to hurt me, and my experience is that any guy who's genuinely not intending to hurt you would never say that. So once he said that, I just flipped off my switch and told him I didn't think it was working out. He followed up with some stuff about how he was scared because he liked me so much blah blah blah and my brain just disengaged.

I am SO over men who are scared of how much they like me. More interested in ones who are scared to lose me.

I don't think he is avoidant (he handled the confrontation really well and was open and emotional) but I do think he's newly divorced and not ready for a relationship and I definitely didn't want to get sucked into a situation with someone who wasn't sure what they wanted. It felt like he was lining me up to try and keep things on a certain level and I just am not interested in it.

It might be an excuse not to give someone a chance, but I felt like there were a lot of red flags and I just want someone who is 100% sure what they want without confusion otherwise it's going to make me miserable.

How do I feel? Lol. fine, I am avoidant. Ask me again in two weeks and I might have a real answer.

I've been mostly missing my FA anyway, so I don't think I was emotionally invested in this guy.

Thanks ocarina it's SO hard for me to distinguish genuine concerns from fabricated ones, but I do feel those words were screaming poor intentions or at least some second thoughts with things.

I'd just rather have a simple relationship (I need that now after dating an FA)

And reliable as clockwork, my FA started messaging me last night after three weeks NC.

I'm in the same position as you @mary in the sense that I know a relationship can't work but also feel it's too hard to insist on NC.