|
|
Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 14:59:10 GMT
Is this kind of introspective work here rationalization? Is this being too much in my head? Or only healthy introspection/rationalization? I truly struggle with noticing when it is too much. A strategy I use, which requires you to critically examine your own thought process (and I think this is one of your strengths) is to apply the distinction of linear and circular thinking. Are your thoughts moving you from challenge (or problem, if you prefer) to solution or do you keep re-analyzing and going through generally the same issues? In the latter case, you're the hamster in the treadmill and, like it, you'll end up thoroughly exhausted and at the same point you started. |
|
|
|
Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 15:00:51 GMT
A bit like how APs are either focused on themselves, or their partner, but rarely focused on both at the same time. Well ofcourse. If they did that, they'd be secures š |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 15:01:30 GMT
Thanks, tgat! I don't think I'm doing too badly at introspective work. I am becoming aware that it's actually one of my qualities. Except when I get stuck  Is this kind of introspective work here rationalization? Is this being too much in my head? Or only healthy introspection/rationalization? I truly struggle with noticing when it is too much. About the physical type, yes, this has a lot to say! This is also a huge hook on me. Hopefully there are some secure people out there with the physical type I like the most, hehe. I didn't think to myself that this woman was "the one", but the previous one, the one I slept with, yeah, definitely! Saying no indeed helps. It allows for the mind to relax. I said no in a way to the previous one, when I noticed that her attraction to me had dropped dramatically. I'm the one who suggested stopping things there, instead of being left hanging and hoping for her to come around. Relaxation didn't exactly occur, some depression and despair ensured instead, but this was most certainly for the best in the long run. Thanks again for being there everyone, hugs! i donāt think what you are doing here is too much at all! i think itās excellent. i donāt know what might or might not have been going on in your head as you weighed the positives tho. i was just putting it out there. i am trying to recognize , in myself, when i catch myself thinking āi can handle that, i think...ā when the reality is something that would be very dysfunctional for me to āhandleā. i am used to coping rather than thriving in romantic relationships. my bar and aspirations are higher now. i want to relax and love and be loved, not just survive. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 15:02:33 GMT
Should I run away before I get too attached to her? This is an avoidant's game. just sayin'. |
|
|
|
Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 15:11:45 GMT
Is this kind of introspective work here rationalization? Is this being too much in my head? Or only healthy introspection/rationalization? I truly struggle with noticing when it is too much. A strategy I use, which requires you to critically examine your own thought process (and I think this is one of your strengths) is to apply the distinction of linear and circular thinking. Are your thoughts moving you from challenge (or problem, if you prefer) to solution or do you keep re-analyzing and going through generally the same issues? In the latter case, you're the hamster in the treadmill and, like it, you'll end up thoroughly exhausted and at the same point you started. This is a very useful strategy! I know the feeling of being stuck in circular thinking oh-so well, but I hadn't quite realized yet how the alternative is linear thinking, solving a problem/challenge forward, and actually ending up somewhere. Excellent ! |
|
|
|
Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 15:17:02 GMT
i donāt think what you are doing here is too much at all! i think itās excellent. i donāt know what might or might not have been going on in your head as you weighed the positives tho. i was just putting it out there. i am trying to recognize , in myself, when i catch myself thinking āi can handle that, i think...ā when the reality is something that would be very dysfunctional for me to āhandleā. i am used to coping rather than thriving in romantic relationships. my bar and aspirations are higher now. i want to relax and love and be loved, not just survive. I'm not sure what was going on in my head as I weighed the positives. Probably a sort of desperation to be in a relationship in order to work on my behaviours and triggers with a person instead of doing it alone. Mostly likely because I felt influenced by some on this forum about learning to become more secure by being in relationships. Also my therapist advises this, instead of working completely on my own, stuck in my head. And also because of that sense of feeling slightly more secure around people who also struggle with stuff, because I feel that I can offer help. I'm also used to coping rather than thriving, and I definitely want to thrive now... Same with life in general. It's mostly be survival since day one. |
|
|
|
Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 15:19:20 GMT
Should I run away before I get too attached to her? This is an avoidant's game. just sayin'. I agree with you, Mary, and though I somewhat made light of the situation ny continuing to use the word 'running', what I meant is enforcing your boundaries while being completely prepated to break things off if they are not respected. That said, if enforcing those boundaries in the current situation feels too hard to do, extricating yourself from the situation would be most prudent so you can work towards a situation where you can. Good catch! |
|
|
|
Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 15:20:53 GMT
Should I run away before I get too attached to her? This is an avoidant's game. just sayin'. I can see why you might think that. Rejecting before getting hurt? Not engaging oneself in a potentially toxic relationship shows some rational maturity, I think. But I know, from the other thread, that you don't seem to attach as much importance to incompatible attachment styles as much as I do. So I understand your position. |
|
|
|
Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 15:24:51 GMT
And also because of that sense of feeling slightly more secure around people who also struggle with stuff, because I feel that I can offer help. It's hard to be someone's rock when you're still floating around in the current yourself. It's likely to sweep both of you away. Perhaps it's better to tie yourself to a rock first until you've settled into firm ground. |
|
|
|
Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 15:28:18 GMT
This is an avoidant's game. just sayin'. I agree with you, Mary, and though I somewhat made light of the situation ny continuing to use the word 'running', what I meant is enforcing your boundaries while being completely prepated to break things off if they are not respected. That said, if enforcing those boundaries in the current situation feels too hard to do, extricating yourself from the situation would be most prudent so you can work towards a situation where you can. Good catch! Is this a way to solve the paradox I was refering to? Between letting things unfold naturally, and be ready to break things off in case of boundaries not respected, and knowing deep down that enforcing those boundaries wouldn't be possible in a given situation (like this one) given one's self-knowledge? |
|
|
|
Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 15:30:26 GMT
And also because of that sense of feeling slightly more secure around people who also struggle with stuff, because I feel that I can offer help. It's hard to be someone's rock when you're still floating around in the current yourself. It's likely to sweep both of you away. Perhaps it's better to tie yourself to a rock first until you've settled into firm ground. Yes, I would agree with that.... I know that I can do it with an anxious female friend of mine. No feelings in between us, so that's something I can do. It would be a lot more challenging (because of the triggers) in a romantic one. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 15:32:08 GMT
This is an avoidant's game. just sayin'. I agree with you, Mary, and though I somewhat made light of the situation ny continuing to use the word 'running', what I meant is enforcing your boundaries while being completely prepated to break things off if they are not respected. That said, if enforcing those boundaries in the current situation feels too hard to do, extricating yourself from the situation would be most prudent so you can work towards a situation where you can. Good catch! I see what people are saying in this thread and to a degree, I agree with the premise. But I also think perhaps he does not have enough information to make this decision yet. I completely agree about boundaries, but in this case, so far, boundaries have not been broken and we are all making a judgment? This is exactly what avoidants do...I know because I am  |
|
|
|
Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 15:35:07 GMT
I agree with you, Mary, and though I somewhat made light of the situation ny continuing to use the word 'running', what I meant is enforcing your boundaries while being completely prepated to break things off if they are not respected. That said, if enforcing those boundaries in the current situation feels too hard to do, extricating yourself from the situation would be most prudent so you can work towards a situation where you can. Good catch! Is this a way to solve the paradox I was refering to? Between letting things unfold naturally, and be ready to break things off in case of boundaries not respected, and knowing deep down that enforcing those boundaries wouldn't be possible in a given situation (like this one) given one's self-knowledge? Put simply, if you feel like you can't maintain your own boundaries in this situation when the shit hits the fan, it might be better to work on that bit (since it's inside your circle of influence) and look for someone with whom it will be possible to set those boundaries more easily. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 15:36:42 GMT
I agree with you, Mary, and though I somewhat made light of the situation ny continuing to use the word 'running', what I meant is enforcing your boundaries while being completely prepated to break things off if they are not respected. That said, if enforcing those boundaries in the current situation feels too hard to do, extricating yourself from the situation would be most prudent so you can work towards a situation where you can. Good catch! I see what people are saying in this thread and to a degree, I agree with the premise. But I also think perhaps he does not have enough information to make this decision yet. I completely agree about boundaries, but in this case, so far, boundaries have not been broken and we are all making a judgment? This is exactly what avoidants do...I know because I am i totally get that too. however, i did see a boundary violation (mutual) not boundaries with each other but what i think are healthy boundaries in general. My take was that there was oversharing of intimate personal detail and then subsequent bonding over that. that, as i understand, is a big red flags for anxious attachment? so thatās where i came from. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 15:38:20 GMT
very soon to reveal so much.
i just think itās accelerated intimacy.
|
|
