Feeling like I'll never attract the right partner

i have felt like this at times, and more often than that, i fall into believing that i am just not cut out for it. that's probably more an avoidant take on it.
but i've taken my focus off that to really just wanting to be good to myself, in terms of how i take care of myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

i think that those things can naturally attract a healthy compatible partner.

so i guess it comes down to a cliche- love yourself first.
i see people finding love even later in life. but they are happy, secure, positive people.

coming from the level of low self esteem and poor self care that most of us do, i am certain there are no shortcuts there.

and, given that attachment styles can cause us to fall to shit personally once deeply involved, it's really important for me to keep working DILIGENTLY on those issues so i can BE a good partner. i am working on myself out of self love and care, every single day. there is always some time or energy i can put toward healing and growing (not ruminating) .

just my two cents. i think a pessimistic outlook on it can become a bad habit and just another brick in the wall.
i gotta stop laying bricks on that wall!!

i turn from negative rumination as soon as i notice it and go search out another more realistic and reasonable and optimistic thought pattern to pursue. it's mental training.
i think of a person were to stay swirling around the drain with negativity they could guarantee they would never find a good partner.

we can do this alpenglo.
i rarely get discouraged by challenges, but that i am sure is because i really went SO FAR down and had to claw my way back against terrible odds.  It's an unusual situation i have had but many have it much worse.

So my point is, there is nothing to cultivate despair about here.  Nothing.

Even the negative thought pattern of believing oneself to be unlovable is a bullshit, distorted, completely fictitious and delusional thought pattern.

its one that can habitually be cultivated, or changed.  no one in the world can do that work except the person experiencing it.

And as to the feeling "i don't know how " that i often read, that is just a brick in the wall.

stepping back, we can look at ourselves and see what we do to cultivate negative beliefs and keep them strong.  We can.  we can also try something different.  we aren't paralyzed.  sometimes, we are lazy and habitual.

this sounds harsh, but is it? maybe it's empowering.  

if a person spent a fraction of the time looking for what in them is lovable, and believing it, it would be a step toward a different future.

how can we not be lovable? how in the hell does that make sense.  as far as i know we aren't a gang of criminals trying to hurt everyone.  It's absurd to think the people on this board aren't lovable.

realky, at what point does cultivating that become insanity? no, i'm not saying it's all pathology.  i am saying.... IT MAKES NO SENSE.

its hard to find anyone in general society who isn't lovable and worthy.  look at the individuals.  everyone has something beautiful to bring, and if they suffer it's because they don't know it.  

its notbrealistic to think and believe and hit ourselves in the face all the time with this ridiculous idea of being unlovable.  it's a bad habit.  

Both telling yourself "I don't know how" and "I'm unlovable" are ways of talking yourself out of facing the fears that you have. The longer you do this, the harder it will be to actually come into action.

Paradoxically, that is the only thing that can ever prove those thoughts false, but the thought that induces fear as you sit around and confirm it by thinking about it over and over is always worse than the fear you get while you're performing the scary act itself, for the simple fact that you can't focus all your attention on thinking, as you need to ACT.

and for perspective, many people find the perfect partner and have a fulfilling relationship and suffer devastating losses elsewhere in their lives.
none of us is singled out for pain.
it's the human condition.
we just have to face what it is we have to deal with and get on with it.
life is too LONG and also TOO SHORT to not try to reduce our suffering, and commit to ways to do that.

I like your direct style, tgat!
Doesn't sound grumpy to me, it is an encouragment to act, really.

It is certain that cultivating despair is one sure way to keep feeling that despair, with no way out.
I know that the "not being loavble" thought is irrational. It is there because of our early experiences, when as a child we became convinced of that fact. We felt it on a deep emotional level, and not a rational one. That's why it's so difficult to rationalise away such thoughts. It's like adressing the problem at the wrong level of understanding.

Cultivating that stuff is pathology to me. The degree of suffering and needing professional help surely is a sign that it is?
I sort of understand the thing about inner qualities that we can bring to the world. Looking at what particular things in us are lovable.
What stops me is the feeling of being convinced that the whole package is lovable. Some aspects of it, but not everything.
The feedback I got from the woman I was dating was a list of very strong positive qualities in me, but that I was no boyfriend material because of my insecurities. So it's not that I don't believe that I have good qualities, but that the insecurity around them is precisely what makes me not "lovable", at least in a romantic context.
Obviously one remedy is to no longer feel insecure...but in the meantime, I still feel unlovable as a whole person. Does this make any sense?

Jaeger: I understand that it is linked to the fears. But what does it mean to actually face the fears?
Last time I dated, I felt the fear of being not liked and being abandonment. Isn't that facing the fear? I did put myself "out there", in a "risky situation". If it's not facing the fear, what is really a way to face fears and act? By simply stopping to analyse the scary thing you are doing?

Ok, thanks, this at least makes sense to me!
Otherwise I really don't see what else I could do.

I wish this technique would work, haha, it would be so easy! Slightly painful here and there, but not in the long run