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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 15:01:07 GMT
If I look at it this way, it is truly helpful. Because I seem to equate this imperfection (not being confident) as the precluding condition of everything. My common thought pattern is the following: if not confident enough, then it doesn't matter how good my other qualities may be, because I am automatically disqualified. I see confidence as the most basic thing to have to even have a chance of being lovable, if you understand? Because I am under the impression that no ones looks past a lack of confidence in a potential partner. Hence, my good qualities have no value, they can't be "applied", so to speak. yeah, that's incredibly damaging self talk. it effectively halts you from giving your love to others and accepting love. i think it's a way of hiding, but that's just my take. you punch yourself in the face saying you're unlovable but really, you're full of shit. lol. i say that with love. *pow!* 😵😘 It is very damaging self-talk, I can see that.... I still struggle big time to get my head around it, even on a rational level. Because I seem to get this type of confirmation externally as well. It probably is a way of hiding, yes! An unintentional one. Hehe, I am full of shit, I will accept it  And I know you're saying it with love  Ouch!! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 15:01:38 GMT
i think i could easily love someone like you who can admit that they feel unlovable and lacks confidence, alpenglow . i couldn't fix it. but i could love it and give it a safe space to transform. and then i would need someone to love me in that way to transform some of my own imperfection. none of it is unlovable. Warming to hear that there are people like you out there! True, you couldn't fix it. This is exactly what I want. Someone who could see past my lack of confidence just enough to be with me and give me that safe space to transform and work on my issues. Of course it would go boths ways, yes! But wait, didn't you write somewhere that you couldn't stand being with an AP?  (teasing). The person I was dating gave this type of feedback: "I could have easily have fallen in love with the "child", you, and its many qualities, but not the "adult" you, who's still very insecure in many ways. This "adult" you is the one I need to be sexually attracted to, and it wouldn't work with the "child" you only. I might have not felt comfortable showing you my own insecurities because of your own vulnerabilities. This is what I would need in a relationship, the "adult" you to rely on". it's true, you have to keep challenging this thinking in you for an adult relationship. but that partner, is not the authority on whether you are attractive as a partner. and an almost secure AP, i might be able to do..... haha! as long as they could handle my direct DA style.... THATS THE QUESTION 😬😂 |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 15:17:35 GMT
yeah, that's incredibly damaging self talk. it effectively halts you from giving your love to others and accepting love. i think it's a way of hiding, but that's just my take. you punch yourself in the face saying you're unlovable but really, you're full of shit. lol. i say that with love. *pow!* 😵😘 It is very damaging self-talk, I can see that.... I still struggle big time to get my head around it, even on a rational level. Because I seem to get this type of confirmation externally as well. It probably is a way of hiding, yes! An unintentional one. Hehe, I am full of shit, I will accept it And I know you're saying it with love Ouch!! just try to identify how you are looking for "Bias Confirmation" externally (it's a thing, google it) and you can catch yourself in the act. that will give that negative bias less traction over time! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 15:35:42 GMT
I agree with Tgat. How can a woman you have only known for 2 weeks know everything about who you are. A therapist once told me to think about my friends and what I liked about them. Then she told me to ask my friends what they liked about me. They were told to write it down in paper so that I could read it every day. yes, it's a real trap to make someone (another silly human who poops and pees just like we do) such an authority. its projecting a parent role i think. they are just people. other flawed humans. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 19:07:49 GMT
It is very damaging self-talk, I can see that.... I still struggle big time to get my head around it, even on a rational level. Because I seem to get this type of confirmation externally as well. It probably is a way of hiding, yes! An unintentional one. Hehe, I am full of shit, I will accept it And I know you're saying it with love Ouch!! just try to identify how you are looking for "Bias Confirmation" externally (it's a thing, google it) and you can catch yourself in the act. that will give that negative bias less traction over time! Oh yes I'm quite familiar with what bias confirmation is! Sure, it's something that I do all the time. I just can't really differenciate between what's confirmation bias and what is not. If I constantly am rejected in dating scenarios, how can I not interpret it as really being not attractive enough for a potential partner due to some flaw or low-confidence in myself? |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 19:12:13 GMT
I agree with Tgat. How can a woman you have only known for 2 weeks know everything about who you are. A therapist once told me to write down personal traits about myself. Then to think about my friends and what I liked about them. Then she told me to ask my friends what they liked about me. They were told to write it down in paper so that I could read it every day. True, no one can get to me in the space of 2 weeks only. The problem is that in today's online dating world, you meet people a few times, and we need to make an impression of that person over the space of 2 weeks. If we don't feel the spark or the motivation to go further, then things just stop there. I understand the point of the exercise of making a list of qualities by interviewing friends. I have a pretty good idea by now, also by the kind of feedback I receive from women in dating situations. But that puts me back to what I wrote to tgat: those qualities feel worthless as long as my self-confidence is too low to enable attraction by a romantic partner. Because it seems to me that it is the essential quality number one to have before anything else is even possible. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 19:16:11 GMT
I agree with Tgat. How can a woman you have only known for 2 weeks know everything about who you are. A therapist once told me to think about my friends and what I liked about them. Then she told me to ask my friends what they liked about me. They were told to write it down in paper so that I could read it every day. yes, it's a real trap to make someone (another silly human who poops and pees just like we do) such an authority. its projecting a parent role i think. they are just people. other flawed humans. It is a real trap....and the definition of an AP or a person with low self-esteem: negative perception of one-self, positive perception of others. I am very aware that I have a tendency to perceive other people (especially those I like) as having this kind of authority. Even many people on this forum!! And yes, it is projecting a parent role....precisely what I didn't have as a child (a parent I could trust as an authority figure) |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 20, 2018 19:17:25 GMT
hey everyone,
Man I am definitely feeling this way today as well. Just hopeless and feels like 7 years of ongoing therapy and now EMDR, feels like I'll never get to where i need to be. I have never been this triggered by a person before. I dated a secure man, married a somewhat avoidant one and also a somewhat anxious one. I left all of those relationships due to various reasons and was able to move on and be OK for the most part. this relationship has me feeling hopeless and almost crippled in a way.
I have read books, i do self-talk, breathing, distractions, etc., but all I can think about today, is why hasn't he texted me? we last saw each other sunday and it was great, but now I'm fearing he will stop initiating since I called him out on his confusing behaviors. I know, believe me, how sad this sounds, but hearing from him even if I don't respond, gives me some relief from the anxious thoughts.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 19:30:42 GMT
I agree with Tgat. How can a woman you have only known for 2 weeks know everything about who you are. A therapist once told me to write down personal traits about myself. Then to think about my friends and what I liked about them. Then she told me to ask my friends what they liked about me. They were told to write it down in paper so that I could read it every day. True, no one can get to me in the space of 2 weeks only. The problem is that in today's online dating world, you meet people a few times, and we need to make an impression of that person over the space of 2 weeks. If we don't feel the spark or the motivation to go further, then things just stop there. I understand the point of the exercise of making a list of qualities by interviewing friends. I have a pretty good idea by now, also by the kind of feedback I receive from women in dating situations. But that puts me back to what I wrote to tgat: those qualities feel worthless as long as my self-confidence is too low to enable attraction by a romantic partner. Because it seems to me that it is the essential quality number one to have before anything else is even possible. i feel you alpenglow! don't forget, in the online dating pool there are lots of emotionally unavailable people looking for validation and ego strokes , that venue can be very toxic and difficult to navigate and it's really easy to take rejection seriously if you are sensitive to it already. it's like diving into shark infested water out there! there are lots of DA's also, online, with no intention of following through. it is what it is, sad but true. it's not just you, they would reject anyone!! and i hope you know i am coming from a really supportive and tender stance even tho i am direct and plain spoken s i still will punch you if it helps, jk 😊 all of this just might be useful as you follow your path, maybe you'll remember something from all this at a time you feel triggered and it will help. practice makes perfect with all of this stuff. all i want to do is encourage you and tell you i am certain you are lovable and you can grow into that awareness and function better in relationships, it's absolutely doable over time, we all can do it. i believe it! i am working hard also, i have not "arrived" but i am very optimistic and i love that we all have each other here to talk with. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 20, 2018 19:31:12 GMT
Thank you. I will look into that. I think with me it's more about implementing what I know. I know why I do it and why they do it. It really is like an addiction. Maybe I need to stay away from dating for a while. There is a book I read when I first learned that I was even in a cycle, with my previouys BF before the DA. It was such an eye opener and it totally made me see my unhealthy attachment but still I kept right on picking the wrong ones. That book is called He said She said. someone told me this - it is about being able to build a bridge between knowing and doing. for me, I know alot of things but i don't know how to do it. I know i should mend the rift with my partner, but i don't know how to do it. I know i should let things go, but i don't know how to do it. Nice way to put it. Building the bridge. I guess that's what I am working on. Also still accepting what is with my DA. I know he is not comfortable with his emotions and I think he felt a loss of control when he thought I was lying about something and he was so so mad. He just decided to leave. I can understand that and accept it. Now I just have to get back to more "me" exploring. I am glad I released those negative feelings. I know they are not my truth they are my fears after years of being brain washed and conditioned to believe I only have worth if someone else is loving me.it is important to know the source of love is always from yourself. How can I expect someone to show me love when they barely know how to show themselves love. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 20, 2018 19:35:49 GMT
I just listened to something that said along the lines of..you are a crystallized conception of who you are. Don't try to change anyone. They are just messengers here to show you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will demonstrate that to to you. Make a different conception/perception of yourself and your world and people in it will also change.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 19:45:13 GMT
also, for me, part of my optimism about eventually finding a good partner is i am learning, over time and painful experience, how to identify a toxic partner for me. i am learning not to try to drive a square peg into a round hole. i am learning what feels good inside and what doesn't, i am learning to accept people as they are and love myself enough to walk away if they can't love me, i am learning not to keep trying to make the wrong partner fit me and my expectations. i am learning to listen to myself, and be a really good friend to myself. it feels great even tho i haven't found the right man for me YET. Thats a huge step in finding the Right fit! |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 19:53:11 GMT
hey everyone, Man I am definitely feeling this way today as well. Just hopeless and feels like 7 years of ongoing therapy and now EMDR, feels like I'll never get to where i need to be. I have never been this triggered by a person before. I dated a secure man, married a somewhat avoidant one and also a somewhat anxious one. I left all of those relationships due to various reasons and was able to move on and be OK for the most part. this relationship has me feeling hopeless and almost crippled in a way. I have read books, i do self-talk, breathing, distractions, etc., but all I can think about today, is why hasn't he texted me? we last saw each other sunday and it was great, but now I'm fearing he will stop initiating since I called him out on his confusing behaviors. I know, believe me, how sad this sounds, but hearing from him even if I don't respond, gives me some relief from the anxious thoughts. I feel you, kristyrose. Even though I have never truly been with this type of person before, I can totally understand the feeling of being very anxious about not receiving any reply and how the slighest contact would relieve your anxiety. Good thing that you are doing all these things like self-talk, breathing and distractions. Some days are a lot more difficult than others. You will pull through! |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 19:54:59 GMT
also, for me, part of my optimism about eventually finding a good partner is i am learning, over time and painful experience, how to identify a toxic partner for me. i am learning not to try to drive a square peg into a round hole. i am learning what feels good inside and what doesn't, i am learning to accept people as they are and love myself enough to walk away if they can't love me, i am learning not to keep trying to make the wrong partner fit me and my expectations. i am learning to listen to myself, and be a really good friend to myself. it feels great even tho i haven't found the right man for me YET. Thats a huge step in finding the Right fit! It absolutely is a huge step in the right direction! Probably the most important first step, actually. You're doing great!! |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 20:02:30 GMT
True, no one can get to me in the space of 2 weeks only. The problem is that in today's online dating world, you meet people a few times, and we need to make an impression of that person over the space of 2 weeks. If we don't feel the spark or the motivation to go further, then things just stop there. I understand the point of the exercise of making a list of qualities by interviewing friends. I have a pretty good idea by now, also by the kind of feedback I receive from women in dating situations. But that puts me back to what I wrote to tgat: those qualities feel worthless as long as my self-confidence is too low to enable attraction by a romantic partner. Because it seems to me that it is the essential quality number one to have before anything else is even possible. i feel you alpenglow ! don't forget, in the online dating pool there are lots of emotionally unavailable people looking for validation and ego strokes , that venue can be very toxic and difficult to navigate and it's really easy to take rejection seriously if you are sensitive to it already. it's like diving into shark infested water out there! there are lots of DA's also, online, with no intention of following through. it is what it is, sad but true. it's not just you, they would reject anyone!! and i hope you know i am coming from a really supportive and tender stance even tho i am direct and plain spoken s i still will punch you if it helps, jk 😊 all of this just might be useful as you follow your path, maybe you'll remember something from all this at a time you feel triggered and it will help. practice makes perfect with all of this stuff. all i want to do is encourage you and tell you i am certain you are lovable and you can grow into that awareness and function better in relationships, it's absolutely doable over time, we all can do it. i believe it! i am working hard also, i have not "arrived" but i am very optimistic and i love that we all have each other here to talk with. Oh yes, I am quite aware of the dating pool being full of emotionally unavailable people. It is difficult to navigate. At least I've become quite good at detecting those who are not available. But of course, by now you understand how sensitive I am to rejection to begin with. Don't worry, I have no doubt that you are coming from a really supportive stance despite your direct way of expressing yourself! I feel it in almost every of your posts, and you do that with everyone. But yeah, please come nd punch me, if this is what it takes! Drive that square peg into a round hole, haha. I hope I will remember all this when I actually need to use it. Thanks again for your unwavering encouragement! It actually means a lot to me, even though we don't really know each other. The day I feel certain that I am lovable, I think that most of my problems will be solved. It will still be hard work, but at least the biggest obstacle will be removed. We are all working on this, and I really appreciate how we all have each other's backs in here!! |
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Ouch!!
(teasing).