Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71 
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Post by Lola on Feb 24, 2018 11:48:17 GMT
Hey activated babes. What makes you deactivate?
This is what helps me:
Reminders that I'm not actually myself, but myself being controlled by the attachment style, which over time train you to kill that Sonnn of a biiitch! I have "wake up" written on my walls, which I also use for productivity motivation, being productive af also help btw
Craig Kenneth on youtube, attachment books, thinking about the system and REALIZING that whatever i'm afraid of has nothing to do with me as a person, but the perpetrator and/or my attachment style -> NOT PERSONHOOD.
Peptalk. Peptalk yourself. Long before I couldn't grasp the thought of a possible break up, so after a very delightful talk with my DA who told me "one more activation and I'm out" I went home and wrote myself a letter about how cool I actually am, how it may be actually for the best if it happens (scenarios: marriage, illness, pregnancy, parenthood-> must be fun with a DA right? lol), my (objectively) good qualities and about how my partner hasn't all so good either. Try adding a little humour to it. Ever since then I feel like I got my own back. This is called self care. Now I know I'll be just fine when it happens. Prepare yourself for the worst with self care G!
Alright folks, hope this helped. Please write down below your methods of deactivating
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 26, 2018 0:54:54 GMT
Trying to get rid of triggers (ex: not visiting their social media, not having major fantasies about them).
And like Lola said, I think you can also step back and see the pattern happening more consciously after you've read about all this stuff-- you can see it repeatedly playing out in your psyche and then you know it's the pattern and not some sort of objective reality about how the universe is (like the person isn't necessarily your true love, and your feelings aren't necessarily the be all and end all.)
An idea I've gotten from these boards-- I remind myself it isn't really this person I want but a version of this person who would be better at sticking around, which unfortunately is not a reality I can have. It is an important distinction to make though-- the "I want this person" versus "I want the fantasy version who could stick around of this person."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 10:40:20 GMT
> i breathe, very long and deep and slowly, before i react.
> i listen to the voices in my head. we often have negative self talk of some sort, and for me it's become a crystallized voice that i can hear talking to me. i hear it, i catch it, i say to myself stop this talking. i focus on the external world, and being present. it takes me out of my own head.
> i calm down, remind myself that i am here, and i am ok, i have power and control and self sufficiency.
> i admit to myself i love this person, and i want this person, but he is not here. I AM. and so i can only take care of myself. everything else is not my problem.
> i remind myself that he does care and love me, even if it is not in the way i want or wish to me. i then remind myself, i can choose to leave. if i chose to stay, then this is what i have to accept.
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Post by kristyrose on Mar 3, 2018 19:50:58 GMT
This is really great everyone! All super helpful techniques.
Has anyone tried tapping? You criss cross your arms across your chest and tap your collar bone gently with your fingers. You can also do this to your lap, placing both hands on your lap in an upright position- switch left to right tapping while closing your eyes and imagining a secure figure in your life. Mine is my therapist, but can be anyone of course.
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 3, 2018 20:18:07 GMT
This is really great everyone! All super helpful techniques. Has anyone tried tapping? You criss cross your arms across your chest and tap your collar bone gently with your fingers. You can also do this to your lap, placing both hands on your lap in an upright position- switch left to right tapping while closing your eyes and imagining a secure figure in your life. Mine is my therapist, but can be anyone of course. What the fuck? Why does it help? XD It's so relaxing.. I don't get why hahaha. Thanks for the tip Kristy! |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 3, 2018 20:20:44 GMT
Self regulation of ANS (Watertankexersice) - mini exersice: sit on a hard chair, feel the chair supporting you, feel your seat knots, legs and feet. Move your feet, toes. Look at your hand palms and move your fingers. Let the energy/sensations move down through your arms and legs. Notice when your breathing gets more relaxed. Stay with secure friends that can listen to you and support you Think of the love and support you already have in your life right now Imagine a secure person standing by your side supporting you (a person from your own life) Take care of your inner child Boost resources - go for a walk, dance, practice yoga, get a massage, run, mindfulness or what ever that makes you feel good [ Ask a friend to put their feet on your feet to calm down Focus on your own life I like the inner child one! Thank you. |
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 3, 2018 20:22:05 GMT
> i breathe, very long and deep and slowly, before i react. > i listen to the voices in my head. we often have negative self talk of some sort, and for me it's become a crystallized voice that i can hear talking to me. i hear it, i catch it, i say to myself stop this talking. i focus on the external world, and being present. it takes me out of my own head. > i calm down, remind myself that i am here, and i am ok, i have power and control and self sufficiency. > i admit to myself i love this person, and i want this person, but he is not here. I AM. and so i can only take care of myself. everything else is not my problem. > i remind myself that he does care and love me, even if it is not in the way i want or wish to me. i then remind myself, i can choose to leave. if i chose to stay, then this is what i have to accept. That's really mature. I wish I could come to terms with it like you seem to have. It's spot on to concentrate of where you are in that moment. Be there  |
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 4, 2018 0:51:53 GMT
.... Take care of your inner child Boost resources - go for a walk on the beach, hoursebackriding, give a tree a hug, carry a stone in your pocket (lava stone), dance, practice yoga, get a massage, run, mindfulness or what ever that makes you feel good ... Interesting point about stones. I've often collected them, carried one around... there is something grounding about it isn't there. |
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nic
Junior Member
Posts: 58
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Post by nic on Mar 9, 2018 5:29:59 GMT
I dont know if it matters to even mention this but my general attachment is avoidant but my current situation with another "more avoidant" avoidant has pushed me over the edge to being anxious. For almost a year and a half I have been trying to figure out ways to cope. They say avoidants dont attach to one another..IDK..maybe they dont usually, but im here & crossed over to AP and let me just say it was A LOT easier (for me at least) being on the DA side!
Coping:
- I never react immediately. I think long and hard to determine if my feelings of angst are realistic or over-reactions to my newfound anxiety to him not acting in ways I wished. We cannot control our partners or give them a handbook. We either choose to accept their behavior or we can leave. Sometimes its hard to tell what is realistic because we feel so much we assume it must be them that has to change to make US feel better. But we have to make ourselves feel better. We can let them know what is bothering us at appropriate times, when valid but if they are constantly confronted and chastized.. who would want to deal with that all the time? Nobody..
- I sleep it off or go out with friends, depending on how much my mood has been affected. Sometimes the mind is racing with negative thoughts the moment there is a switch in the pattern. And when your mind is racing it can be exhausting! I try to shut it down whenever I can. As soon as I am calm, my thought pattern changes to a much more realistic view.
- I try meditating. Although its not been easy, I have noticed the levels of anxiety come down a few notches.
- exercise is a wonderful distraction.
-Podcasts (Tracy Crossley has a whole podcast series dedicated to attachment), you-tube videos, audio books. Arm yourself with knowledge! Not only to understand yourself better but to learn about your partners type and how you might trigger them.
- I often want to leave the situation because of the restlessness and anxiety it causes me. Mostly due to my interpretations of his actions or non-actions. Although I have left more often than Id like, i make sure its REALLY what I want and need and not a tool used to change my partner.
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Lola
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by Lola on Mar 11, 2018 17:40:47 GMT
UPDATE: another one PUT THAT BISH IN THEIR PLACE
Ladies and Gentlemen we do NOT tolerate childs play. WE are GROWN UPS and WE DO NOT play games!
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 12, 2018 15:41:28 GMT
To calm your activated nervous system.....lie on the floor with your legs on a chair listen to calming music....5 minutes.
Breath deeply and return to the present...most of the time I catch myself either dwelling in the past or trying to project into the future
Accept yourself...unconditionally.....triggers happen...that is ok.....everyone has them....allow the feelings to simply be..don't put labels on them as good or bad...they just are
When I start going into negative places...I tell myself...the is what my abandonment story is telling me....
Try to come up with 5 reasons why something is happening...for instance...if I don't get a response on a text, I automatically think there is something wrong...he is ignoring me etc. To counter that I have to come up with 4 other reasons that are not "negative".
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