A faulty form of mind reading | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

tnr9
Platinum Member

Posts: 3,781

A faulty form of mind reading Mar 17, 2018 12:17:43 GMT

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Post by tnr9 on Mar 17, 2018 12:17:43 GMT

I am curious how other individuals deal with trying to think from the other person's perspective. Case in point (and yes..this is absolutely a case of me not moving forward and hurting myself...but I am currently in an exploring and exposing phase) B hasn't liked a single photo from my trip...he liked a mutual friend's album on Sunday and believe me...I convinced myself that that was due to the good conversation that B and I had on Sunday. Now I am on the opposite side of the spectrum and the story that keeps going through my head is that B is "avoiding" me. That he doesn't want to give me any hope by liking anything...and if I let that spiral enough, I can get to the incredibly self hurtful..."I have done something wrong" which equates to "there is something wrong with me" stage. Thankfully it is at the next step up, only the "he doesn't want to give me" hope.....as if he is purposefully reading through Facebook, seeing my posts and having a viscirel reaction to them as opposed to not seeing them yet or any other reaction that might be a bit less mean towards me. He also liked a different friend's post and the same mind reading tells me he likes her and then I can cone up with various reasons why she is better than me which just crushes my self esteem. I know there is a better way...I tell myself that I truly don't know what a like or non like means for B, and I do tell myself that there are other possible explanations..that I am again letting my abandonment story run the show...but this happens with every single intereraction and I get so very drained....but I can't seem to stop it.

And I know the key character in the above is me....I know that I am not the center of the universe....I know (from a rational perspective) that I likely don't take up nearly as much thought space in B's head as he takes up in mine....but I am owning how my process works.

Last Edit: Mar 17, 2018 12:22:17 GMT by tnr9

leavethelighton
Honored Contributor

Posts: 792

A faulty form of mind reading Mar 17, 2018 23:46:00 GMT tnr9, madamebovary, and 1 more like this

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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 17, 2018 23:46:00 GMT

Yes, I can totally relate.

As you said, keep reminding yourself that you really can't know what he is thinking or feeling (unless he tells you but it sounds like he isn't telling...)

His not 'liking' could mean a million things other than apathy. Maybe he cares too deeply and compensates by acting like he doesn't care at all. The point is-- you can't really know, so might as well not torture yourself by thinking it means he doesn't care.

I know easier said than done.

Interesting point about your recognizing you have an "abandonment story". I wonder if that's what's going on for me too. When is it actually abandonment and when is it our "story" that it is? Hmmm.

madamebovary
Junior Member

Posts: 98

A faulty form of mind reading Mar 28, 2018 1:30:27 GMT via mobile tnr9 likes this

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Post by madamebovary on Mar 28, 2018 1:30:27 GMT

I’ve done this a million times with my Avoidant. I have learned that jumping to conclusions about *anything* that hasn’t been explicitly discussed is a problem area for us. He’ll think he’s just busy and he doesn’t check social media as often and he doesn’t go straight to my page, so he doesn’t see it. I’ll think the same as you, “he’s avoiding me” or whatever and I will definitely start spiraling.

What I’ve learned from talking to him IN PERSON (I’m lucky, because he’s not completely avoidant there, and he knows how he is so he tries more than someone who doesn’t understand this part of themselves) is that we are basically speaking two different languages. Especially when we start texting or when we haven’t spent much actual time together. I want to be in contact every day. For him, a couple times a week is fine. It used to freak me out and I would immediately think “he’s sick of me, he hates me and he’s avoiding telling me”, which started the push/pull cycle that we all hate so much.

It’s been arduous and I’m sure we’ll hit more bumps, but it seems we’re both determined to work on this, for now (I’m also getting better at enjoying the PRESENT and not worrying about what may happen in the future).

tnr9
Platinum Member

Posts: 3,781

A faulty form of mind reading Mar 30, 2018 12:53:39 GMT

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Post by tnr9 on Mar 30, 2018 12:53:39 GMT

So...what a difference a couple of weeks makes...because I am now in the trenches of feeling not enough.....and everything....all his silence, his not liking posts...it seems to be hitting me on a much more personal level. So I feel very much like I am in a pit....my attachment pain is reading it all as him being "all out". Gosh this stinks.