Post by BreakingTheSpell on Mar 19, 2018 22:12:30 GMT
I could use some support today...
It has been 7 months after the break up with my ex bf, who I believe had some mild DA traits.
The entire break up included many events in a downward spiral and lasted around 2 months in total, so my memory goes back to different stages of those moments.
Once an idea enters my head, I feel like I need to explore it, conclude something and wrap it up before dropping it. Lately, the idea that is in my mind is that, in his (subconscious) head, I played the role of his ex wife, and he used this "new" opportunity to "fix" what had happened among them. Here it goes:
After two years of LDR, he married his gf from another country. According to him, he only married her on papers so that they would be able to co-habitate in the same country, hers. It is my impression, that he always had a foot out of the door during this period, that it was a trial period. One and a half years forward, they "officially" tied the knot with ceremony, vows, big party. According to him, she became different after the wedding (did not elaborate accurately but he meant different in a negative way). Some short time after that, they moved countries, to his. According to him, she had a hard time integrating due to language barrier and social isolation, she started missing her life in her country. So, before she abandoned him, he elaborates the divorce in his mind and notifies it to her. He gave her a month to leave the house. He bought her share of the furniture they had bought together, she packed her suitcases and left his country never to return. They still keep the contact "to honor the good times they had".
Exactly one year after he kicked her out of his life, we met. Me, coming also from another country, working in his. After dating for 3 months, he moved to another city, so we went the distance very early in our relationship. Notice the similarities so far. We continued our LDR for 8 more months. As I mentioned, a series of event happened, and the fact of being far away did not help in solving things so they accumulated over the weeks. The little time we spent together, we enjoyed each other and avoided talking about our differences and problems. None of us wanted to be caught in a break up in a strange city. At the very end, he cancelled two visits to come see me, and next sent me a mail notifying me of the break up, mentioning our incompatible differences of country of origin "you may want to return to your country one day, and I wouldn't have learnt nothing from dating a foreigner". I feel like he recreated his previous situation, because he needed an alternative happier ending. This time, the "right" time, he notices the cultural differences in time, before he gets too invested and vulnerable, and leaves the relationship before another abandonment threat. I could smell the fear.
The thing is, I believe that after the acute sadness for our break up, he felt relief that he had done the right thing. Unable to turn back time to "correct his mistake of marrying a foreigner who preferred her country above the couple", he recreated a very similar situation and gave it the ending HE wanted. He did not get hurt and he can congratulate himself for making the right choice this time, forgiving himself from his failed marriage.
Some years ago, my therapist made me visualize situations in which I was stuck, and imagine an alternative outcome, one that I would like. Sometimes I would also dream about a given desired outcome. Her point being that, if the mind can SEE IT, the subconscious will BELIEVE IT, and drop it. It helped me get over many obsessive thoughts.
I feel used in this regard. I feel he robbed me of an entire year and counting... I am depleted and do not see when I will get any better. What if my grief takes 2 years or more? What about my biological clock? I was so ready, free and available when I met him, I want to go back to my old me and dont know how to. I am empty, broken and older. He used my energy and time to fix his own failure in his mind. I want my availability back. I am hurting so badly, it hurts in my body.
It has been 7 months after the break up with my ex bf, who I believe had some mild DA traits.
The entire break up included many events in a downward spiral and lasted around 2 months in total, so my memory goes back to different stages of those moments.
Once an idea enters my head, I feel like I need to explore it, conclude something and wrap it up before dropping it. Lately, the idea that is in my mind is that, in his (subconscious) head, I played the role of his ex wife, and he used this "new" opportunity to "fix" what had happened among them. Here it goes:
After two years of LDR, he married his gf from another country. According to him, he only married her on papers so that they would be able to co-habitate in the same country, hers. It is my impression, that he always had a foot out of the door during this period, that it was a trial period. One and a half years forward, they "officially" tied the knot with ceremony, vows, big party. According to him, she became different after the wedding (did not elaborate accurately but he meant different in a negative way). Some short time after that, they moved countries, to his. According to him, she had a hard time integrating due to language barrier and social isolation, she started missing her life in her country. So, before she abandoned him, he elaborates the divorce in his mind and notifies it to her. He gave her a month to leave the house. He bought her share of the furniture they had bought together, she packed her suitcases and left his country never to return. They still keep the contact "to honor the good times they had".
Exactly one year after he kicked her out of his life, we met. Me, coming also from another country, working in his. After dating for 3 months, he moved to another city, so we went the distance very early in our relationship. Notice the similarities so far. We continued our LDR for 8 more months. As I mentioned, a series of event happened, and the fact of being far away did not help in solving things so they accumulated over the weeks. The little time we spent together, we enjoyed each other and avoided talking about our differences and problems. None of us wanted to be caught in a break up in a strange city. At the very end, he cancelled two visits to come see me, and next sent me a mail notifying me of the break up, mentioning our incompatible differences of country of origin "you may want to return to your country one day, and I wouldn't have learnt nothing from dating a foreigner". I feel like he recreated his previous situation, because he needed an alternative happier ending. This time, the "right" time, he notices the cultural differences in time, before he gets too invested and vulnerable, and leaves the relationship before another abandonment threat. I could smell the fear.
The thing is, I believe that after the acute sadness for our break up, he felt relief that he had done the right thing. Unable to turn back time to "correct his mistake of marrying a foreigner who preferred her country above the couple", he recreated a very similar situation and gave it the ending HE wanted. He did not get hurt and he can congratulate himself for making the right choice this time, forgiving himself from his failed marriage.
Some years ago, my therapist made me visualize situations in which I was stuck, and imagine an alternative outcome, one that I would like. Sometimes I would also dream about a given desired outcome. Her point being that, if the mind can SEE IT, the subconscious will BELIEVE IT, and drop it. It helped me get over many obsessive thoughts.
I feel used in this regard. I feel he robbed me of an entire year and counting... I am depleted and do not see when I will get any better. What if my grief takes 2 years or more? What about my biological clock? I was so ready, free and available when I met him, I want to go back to my old me and dont know how to. I am empty, broken and older. He used my energy and time to fix his own failure in his mind. I want my availability back. I am hurting so badly, it hurts in my body.
