Post by Anonymous10 on Sept 27, 2016 5:24:40 GMT
Hey guys,
I am very direct, comfortable with emotion and very emotionally articulate. I am completely aware of who I am, why I do things and what I want in life. I'm not sure the same can be said for my ex, though I believed he was this way until we broke up.
Basically finding Jeb Kinnison's website was a huge turning point for me. After discussing the ending of my very brief, yet emotionally intense relationship with my ex with my psychologist, it was the first time I heard the words 'fearful avoidant'.
Basically, I was attracted to what I perceived to be a very self assured, confident, relaxed and charming guy. We fell hard for each other on a physical and intellectual level. We are both 20. Things progressed quite quickly and intensely, meeting each others families, and him jumping for commitment. In our first week after being officially 'together', he was genuinely thrilled and I would constantly hear from friends how he just couldn't stop talking about his 'beautiful and smart girlfriend'. We were both in utter awe of each other and truly adored one another. Suddenly, there was a shift. We had had the most beautiful date and slept together for the first time. It was the first time he articulated to me that he "really, really liked me". Just two days later, things felt a little bit 'awkward'. We were hanging out and you know in the first month or two of dating someone, you are still getting to know each other. You both want to impress each other and it takes a short while to build that seamless friendship. Well, this didn't bother me as I thought rationally about it. With guys I have dated, the first few weeks were always a bit cute/awkward without it being anything seriously concerning. We obviously had insane chemistry, and got along very very well (this is the reason that he asked to date me officially in the first place) but it was as if he became very nervous and unsure of how to act and took this and ran with it. It was literally (in my opinion) like he just couldn't act natural, or relax. Anyway, he avoided me for about 4 days after just 1 awkward date. Prior to this date we spent lots of time together and would see each other 3-4-5 times a week for about 5 weeks. He met one of my family members (cousin) and we had all decided to go out for drinks! He was excited over text but when he arrived his body language said a completely different thing. He was yawning, and so quiet and shy the whole time (apparently he was shaking when he shook her hand), but of course this was unbeknownst to me as he always made out he was a very relaxed 'chill' guy (he would always feel the need to actually SAY he was that way). Anyway, I felt so strange the whole night and couldn't understand why he was acting that way as he was so quick to introduce me to his own family and whilst I was nervous, i could handle it just fine. On the way home in the cab, he says to me "i've been so stressed".. and then quickly proceeded to backtrack. He had this scared, unsure air about him (could just be guilt). I found this comment so strange considering the facade that he portrayed about being a very relaxed person. Just three days prior he was telling me he wanted nothing more than this relationship to work. Literally nothing significant had occurred between that and this awkward date meeting my cousin. He did not speak to me for 3 days after this date. I let him be as I am very independent and had no desire to force him into talking to me or articulating what was wrong. I really thought that no stable, secure person would have feelings that would change that quickly so I assumed I was just being insecure and kept telling myself not to stress. I came over to his house a few days later, telling myself things were fine and i would go over and we would be back to normal. He was horrible to me for the first time ever - wouldn't touch me when I was in his own bed and making rude/sarcastic remarks. I was in utter shock. I broke up with him just three days later, I called him and forced him to eventually tell me that he was "having doubts". He could not articulate why. He literally went cold and it was frightening. We met up two days later and I told him I was completely done, that I did not regret breaking up with him but that I wanted answers. He kept apologising and had tears in his eyes, lip quivering. So shocking to me because on the phone when we broke up he was so detached and unemotional, trivialising our time together saying "you know, we had a fun time". The only consistent part of why his feelings changed is that he had this strong overwhelming feeling of stress, and couldn't tell me why. He kept saying "I didn't know this would happen and I'm so sorry". In the days leading to our break up, he wasn't sleeping till 3 am and was napping all day, not coming to uni etc. We tried to remain friends but it was this constant push-pull cycle of him being just divine and so sweet and supportive, to him not talking to me for weeks at a time. I eventually cut him out of my life completely.
His dad is depressed and from my observations his family seems to be one to internalise things/feelings and emotions. Friends would tell me after we broke up that he still spoke so highly of me and had so much respect for me, but he would say that he "could only give me 70% and i deserved 100%' - how cliche right. But eventually, he slowly crept back into a state of pretending. His close group of guy friends don't seem to be aware of this other side to him, and very few people around him me and a few others can see that there is much more going on with him than meets the eye. It's almost like he hates that I began to see through his facade.
Does this, in your opinion sound like a fearful avoidant? Also, he was in a very unstable relationship with a girl who fits the anxious preoccupied type. She would constantly beg to get back together, and even a year and a half after their break up, calls him about 10 times on a Saturday night and sends him multiple messages with no replies. I've read on Jeb's site how often these couples last longer than a fearful avoidant with a secure person as the secure person (me) chooses to not put up with it. I also feel like, he was creating distance and avoiding me, as a subconscious test. He wanted to see if I would come back to him and remain with him even if he pushed me away, and of course I failed. I was also so sure that he would regret what had happened and come running back to me... but he hasn't. I never showed him how truly distraught I was at the end of our relationship and have remained very strong and secure, even though at home I cry often. I wonder if this is the reason he feels he cannot put himself out there with me emotionally. It has been about 4 months now.
Thank you, any insight would be greatly appreciated!
I am very direct, comfortable with emotion and very emotionally articulate. I am completely aware of who I am, why I do things and what I want in life. I'm not sure the same can be said for my ex, though I believed he was this way until we broke up.
Basically finding Jeb Kinnison's website was a huge turning point for me. After discussing the ending of my very brief, yet emotionally intense relationship with my ex with my psychologist, it was the first time I heard the words 'fearful avoidant'.
Basically, I was attracted to what I perceived to be a very self assured, confident, relaxed and charming guy. We fell hard for each other on a physical and intellectual level. We are both 20. Things progressed quite quickly and intensely, meeting each others families, and him jumping for commitment. In our first week after being officially 'together', he was genuinely thrilled and I would constantly hear from friends how he just couldn't stop talking about his 'beautiful and smart girlfriend'. We were both in utter awe of each other and truly adored one another. Suddenly, there was a shift. We had had the most beautiful date and slept together for the first time. It was the first time he articulated to me that he "really, really liked me". Just two days later, things felt a little bit 'awkward'. We were hanging out and you know in the first month or two of dating someone, you are still getting to know each other. You both want to impress each other and it takes a short while to build that seamless friendship. Well, this didn't bother me as I thought rationally about it. With guys I have dated, the first few weeks were always a bit cute/awkward without it being anything seriously concerning. We obviously had insane chemistry, and got along very very well (this is the reason that he asked to date me officially in the first place) but it was as if he became very nervous and unsure of how to act and took this and ran with it. It was literally (in my opinion) like he just couldn't act natural, or relax. Anyway, he avoided me for about 4 days after just 1 awkward date. Prior to this date we spent lots of time together and would see each other 3-4-5 times a week for about 5 weeks. He met one of my family members (cousin) and we had all decided to go out for drinks! He was excited over text but when he arrived his body language said a completely different thing. He was yawning, and so quiet and shy the whole time (apparently he was shaking when he shook her hand), but of course this was unbeknownst to me as he always made out he was a very relaxed 'chill' guy (he would always feel the need to actually SAY he was that way). Anyway, I felt so strange the whole night and couldn't understand why he was acting that way as he was so quick to introduce me to his own family and whilst I was nervous, i could handle it just fine. On the way home in the cab, he says to me "i've been so stressed".. and then quickly proceeded to backtrack. He had this scared, unsure air about him (could just be guilt). I found this comment so strange considering the facade that he portrayed about being a very relaxed person. Just three days prior he was telling me he wanted nothing more than this relationship to work. Literally nothing significant had occurred between that and this awkward date meeting my cousin. He did not speak to me for 3 days after this date. I let him be as I am very independent and had no desire to force him into talking to me or articulating what was wrong. I really thought that no stable, secure person would have feelings that would change that quickly so I assumed I was just being insecure and kept telling myself not to stress. I came over to his house a few days later, telling myself things were fine and i would go over and we would be back to normal. He was horrible to me for the first time ever - wouldn't touch me when I was in his own bed and making rude/sarcastic remarks. I was in utter shock. I broke up with him just three days later, I called him and forced him to eventually tell me that he was "having doubts". He could not articulate why. He literally went cold and it was frightening. We met up two days later and I told him I was completely done, that I did not regret breaking up with him but that I wanted answers. He kept apologising and had tears in his eyes, lip quivering. So shocking to me because on the phone when we broke up he was so detached and unemotional, trivialising our time together saying "you know, we had a fun time". The only consistent part of why his feelings changed is that he had this strong overwhelming feeling of stress, and couldn't tell me why. He kept saying "I didn't know this would happen and I'm so sorry". In the days leading to our break up, he wasn't sleeping till 3 am and was napping all day, not coming to uni etc. We tried to remain friends but it was this constant push-pull cycle of him being just divine and so sweet and supportive, to him not talking to me for weeks at a time. I eventually cut him out of my life completely.
His dad is depressed and from my observations his family seems to be one to internalise things/feelings and emotions. Friends would tell me after we broke up that he still spoke so highly of me and had so much respect for me, but he would say that he "could only give me 70% and i deserved 100%' - how cliche right. But eventually, he slowly crept back into a state of pretending. His close group of guy friends don't seem to be aware of this other side to him, and very few people around him me and a few others can see that there is much more going on with him than meets the eye. It's almost like he hates that I began to see through his facade.
Does this, in your opinion sound like a fearful avoidant? Also, he was in a very unstable relationship with a girl who fits the anxious preoccupied type. She would constantly beg to get back together, and even a year and a half after their break up, calls him about 10 times on a Saturday night and sends him multiple messages with no replies. I've read on Jeb's site how often these couples last longer than a fearful avoidant with a secure person as the secure person (me) chooses to not put up with it. I also feel like, he was creating distance and avoiding me, as a subconscious test. He wanted to see if I would come back to him and remain with him even if he pushed me away, and of course I failed. I was also so sure that he would regret what had happened and come running back to me... but he hasn't. I never showed him how truly distraught I was at the end of our relationship and have remained very strong and secure, even though at home I cry often. I wonder if this is the reason he feels he cannot put himself out there with me emotionally. It has been about 4 months now.
Thank you, any insight would be greatly appreciated!
