Where does this end?

joan that is heartbreaking.
He might be DA, but this is an abusive dynamic.
If you can't trust yourself to be alone, have you considered starting therapy to build up some resources that will help you have the confidence to leave and stay gone?

I concur with tnr's opinion that he is a narcissist.

I went through that particular hell myself, and unfortunately, neither I nor anyone around me knew about personality disorders and I received some really really bad advice from my circle of friends who are mostly themselves empathetic persons.

My ex was so handsome, so charming, seemingly so sympathetic, so accomplished in public, that everyone thought he was the perfect partner for me.

In private, he was the monster you described.

My friends' bad advice was to stay and try to make it work.

It not only wasted years of my life it took a terrible toll on me psychologically. It is only when I read up on Cluster B disorders and Narcissistic Personality Disorder that I finally realized what I was up against.

It is like a primitive tribe fighting an enemy who uses nuclear, chemical or biological warfare - you don't even have the slightest concept of what you are meeting head on, gaslighting, projection, lovebombing, entitlement to everything and everyone around, zero empathy, devaluation, inability to comprehend "love", etc. none of which makes any sense to a normal person who wants to lead a normal life.

I struggled to understand why the man who is supposed to love you would want to destroy you or take you down, and you are both in the same boat - you sink, he sinks, but he tries to sink you anyway.

The question you need to ask yourself is why would you stay to keep getting yourself hurt?

My "disorder" was the naive faith that people are basically good, and that all of us have issues, we are all works in progress, he will "wake up" and realize that abuse of a giving partner trying to do her best by him is wrong, etc.

He never apologized for every instance of emotional abuse but he would return to lovebomb, before it all started over again. So I kept thinking that he would "wake up".

That was a deluded attitude and I had to learn a hard lesson. I really hope that you don't have to go through what we went through.

He needs help, but he has to find it himself, and he won't if he can keep doing what he does to others to exact Supply, admiration, love, generosity and letting the vicious rage out on innocents who do not fight back, to feed the dark void within, that primordial void that was formed long before you met.

To answer your question, it doesn't, until he ends it himself by seeking the professional help he needs. Even then, you might not have a different person, as certain traits (eg. lack of ability to empathize) can't be willed into existence, but at least he might turn into someone who is more mindful of his behavior towards others.

My situation got so bad that I knew I had to leave...but I knew I could not leave unless I found someone else and I could not even think about finding someone else while I was with him. So I prayed that he would find someone else and finally let me go.....I got back from an international trip to a message that he loved our time together but he found someone else and he was in love and he asked me to not contact him again. I keep that text message as an answered prayer...I don't know where I would be if he had not ended things.....These relationships are extremely painful and the dynamic is hard for someone to understand that has not personally experienced it. We are here for you.

I think one of mine I would call...ALWYS TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for everything that went wrong in the relationship. It left me so much more vunerable to his negative words and actions because everything became so PERSONAL. It also eroded my ability to take care of myself by establishing healthy boundaries....I had no boundaries with that man. Zero.

But here is the thing.....you actually need scissors in your toolbox to cut a rope. If you find that you don't have scissors...that is ok too....just realize that it does not all fall to you....you are not the problem!!!

I can empathise with your situation also. You are addicted to the dynamic of the intermittent reward and abuse. Only you can end this cycle, but the thing is there is no grand reward coming. There is numbness and loneliness three, when you leave him. And that's what we are all up against. However, once you enter this phase after leaving him, if you take one day at a time, things will start to change for the better. I am myself embarrassed to recount how many relationships I've had with extreme DAs and narcissists. One too many. I know I need to leave this behind me because it will kill me one of these times. So whatever you are afraid of, mainly the silence and loneliness, rest assured it is only temporary and a few days in you will start to enjoy it. Good luck to you, you can do this. I hear you on the self love thing. I've done the same also, therapy, self help books, forums, I would say solid 15 years of different healing strategies and I am no closer to my goal, but at the same time, I have to say, I have survived and I am in a decent shape insofar as my body and mind, so there is that. Even though we may not see the progress and it is not as fast, trust me, the progress is there.

Have you tried writing out all the steps it would take to leave, so you can then take the first step? That might make something that seems overwhelming seem more doable-- one step at a time.

Unfortunately, there is no "key".  What takes to walk away is very individual.  What I have seen is that most people have to hit rock bottom before they can walk away.  It's the same with alcoholics and drug addicts.  You are trying to resolve the relationships of your childhood and unfortunately, this won't resolve it, it only perpetuates the belief system (your internal belief system).  This has been talked about in the DA support section.  You have to change your internal beliefs to change the behavior.  Much easier said than done.