Where does this end?

I I struggled to understand why the man who is supposed to love you would want to destroy you or take you down, and you are both in the same boat - you sink, he sinks, but he tries to sink you anyway.

I concur with tnr's opinion that he is a narcissist.

I went through that particular hell myself, and unfortunately, neither I nor anyone around me knew about personality disorders and I received some really really bad advice from my circle of friends who are mostly themselves empathetic persons.

My ex was so handsome, so charming, seemingly so sympathetic, so accomplished in public, that everyone thought he was the perfect partner for me.

In private, he was the monster you described.

My friends' bad advice was to stay and try to make it work.

It not only wasted years of my life it took a terrible toll on me psychologically. It is only when I read up on Cluster B disorders and Narcissistic Personality Disorder that I finally realized what I was up against.

It is like a primitive tribe fighting an enemy who uses nuclear, chemical or biological warfare - you don't even have the slightest concept of what you are meeting head on, gaslighting, projection, lovebombing, entitlement to everything and everyone around, zero empathy, devaluation, inability to comprehend "love", etc. none of which makes any sense to a normal person who wants to lead a normal life.

I struggled to understand why the man who is supposed to love you would want to destroy you or take you down, and you are both in the same boat - you sink, he sinks, but he tries to sink you anyway.

The question you need to ask yourself is why would you stay to keep getting yourself hurt?

My "disorder" was the naive faith that people are basically good, and that all of us have issues, we are all works in progress, he will "wake up" and realize that abuse of a giving partner trying to do her best by him is wrong, etc.

He never apologized for every instance of emotional abuse but he would return to lovebomb, before it all started over again. So I kept thinking that he would "wake up".

That was a deluded attitude and I had to learn a hard lesson. I really hope that you don't have to go through what we went through.

He needs help, but he has to find it himself, and he won't if he can keep doing what he does to others to exact Supply, admiration, love, generosity and letting the vicious rage out on innocents who do not fight back, to feed the dark void within, that primordial void that was formed long before you met.

To answer your question, it doesn't, until he ends it himself by seeking the professional help he needs. Even then, you might not have a different person, as certain traits (eg. lack of ability to empathize) can't be willed into existence, but at least he might turn into someone who is more mindful of his behavior towards others.

We are here for you.

I think there are many among us, of all attachment types, who have endured and been devastated by narcissistic abuse, but have eventually emerged stronger and wiser. Some of us have been through the cycle more than once in different relationships before we were able to deliver ourselves.

The vulnerability to this type of dynamic is created by wounds to our psyche when we were small. Any of us is vulnerable, so it's not something uniquely deficient about you. You aren't alone by any means.

Here's an idea, those of us who have come through this might be able to create a vision for you, of your untangling.
If i imagine you to be tied down with heavy ropes, and unable to free yourself, I, Juniper, would grab the thickest and heaviest i could find, the one called Shame, and cut it with a big fat knife. Shame might tell you that you are fundamentally flawed, and that the cause of this predicament is something inherently faulty in YOU, and if you were only to find and rectify this flaw, things would be better. Or it might tell you that you aren't good enough to do differently, so why even try. It might confuse you and tell you you're stupid and weak. I don't know what Shame tells you, privately, but I see it well enough to identify it and hack it off of you 😡

The elixir that i would offer you in a little cup to help sustain you, and counter the Shame that bound you, is the understanding that Shame ITSELF is the wound, it's what's "wrong" . it's not your fault, it's the result of what has happened to you. It was inflicted on you, in you, by people who were suffering probably in much the same way on some level, maybe your parents. Maybe they never figured it out and perpetuated their pain in you. Shame can't tell you the truth because it IS THE WOUND, it is not who you are. But it keeps you tied to what hurts you.

Each of us who had endured this might see a particular rope we'd like to cut off of you and have a little elixir to soothe the rope burns.

I can also see loneliness, sadness, despair, isolation, frustration, a whole lot of ropes.

@curious, tnr9 do you see particular ropes you can help joan identify and cut off? Just to help her visualize what healing might look like?

Joan...you can certainly reach out to me via private message.  I stayed too....3 years....trying to be accommodating to a man who reminded me of my dad.  I get it.  And I too had to use my time to try to become more independent...but..for me there was only so much of the "cycle" I could take.  I wish you well.