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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 7, 2018 22:10:39 GMT
95% of the time we have an emotion to our interpretation to the event rather than the event itself. Our interpretations are filled with judgments, assumptions, beliefs, cognitive myths that are based on our experiences vs. actual facts. Four things we can describe in a non-judgmental way are : facts, our values, our emotions and our likes/dislikes. If one finds themselves experiencing negative emotions, look at your interpretation. Lose the judgments and assumptions. Try to think of alternative interpretations and challenge automatic thoughts.
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Post by mrcamper on Apr 9, 2018 11:47:51 GMT
Good words here. A lot to chew on. Yes, we do view things through the lenses of our own experience.
But facts are facts! The self doubt that comes up in a relationship like this really twists you up and if you're someone open and vulnerable and nice you begin to question yourself, give them the benefit of the.... Keep hoping and trying.
It takes time to learn to look at a situation, stop and say OK, what are the emotions going on here? What just happened? I'm dealing with this currently trying to co parent with a DA. She will do or not do something we've agreed on, I'll email or call to get it resolved..... And I'm left wondering how is this my fault??? I'm the bad guy again!
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Post by Jaeger on Apr 9, 2018 15:26:36 GMT
Your post reminded me of the CBT model, which works on the same premise : Attachments:
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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 9, 2018 16:32:23 GMT
it is the cognitive part that we discuss in DBT skills group.
most of our thoughts are a bunch of BS, but we cling to them as if they are real.
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Post by Jaeger on Apr 9, 2018 18:32:43 GMT
it is the cognitive part that we discuss in DBT skills group. most of our thoughts are a bunch of BS, but we cling to them as if they are real. Further proof that perception is reality 😉 |
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Post by mrcamper on Apr 23, 2018 15:15:25 GMT
it is the cognitive part that we discuss in DBT skills group. most of our thoughts are a bunch of BS, but we cling to them as if they are real. Ok hold on. Yes I agree our perception and thoughts need to be looked at and viewed through what was stated above. But.... BUT.... if the facts show you're not being treated right, you're being gaslighted and blamed, then this philosophy just makes you lose, become a victim, makes you filled with self doubt and more lost. It's like if someone throws acid on your car and laughs. You stand there and say to yourself wow, I'm feeling very angry and frustrated right now. But maybe they didn't mean to, it was an accident, I shouldn't have parked there, I needed a new paint job anyway, I shouldn't be so materialistic.... In my process of growing, I'm leaning towards standing your ground, calling someone out and speaking your mind. Saying No, that's not right. I won't be treated like this. It's not what people do to us, it's what we allow. Thoughts? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2018 16:19:40 GMT
It isn't healthy to deny or shut down your true emotions - they will surface again, in one form or another. The sad fact is that many of those who suffered trauma and who weren't allowed to have their emotions acknowledged go on to displace their anger and inflict emotional distress on those who are "safe" to do this to - eg. partners and children. The vicious cycle continues - the abused become abusers.
If it isn't safe to express your emotions at the moment (eg if you are surrounded by an armed gang or it's your boss), then you must find a safe place, with friends or loved ones, to acknowledge your feelings and let them out.
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Post by Jaeger on Apr 23, 2018 17:35:42 GMT
it is the cognitive part that we discuss in DBT skills group. most of our thoughts are a bunch of BS, but we cling to them as if they are real. Ok hold on. Yes I agree our perception and thoughts need to be looked at and viewed through what was stated above. But.... BUT.... if the facts show you're not being treated right, you're being gaslighted and blamed, then this philosophy just makes you lose, become a victim, makes you filled with self doubt and more lost. It's like if someone throws acid on your car and laughs. You stand there and say to yourself wow, I'm feeling very angry and frustrated right now. But maybe they didn't mean to, it was an accident, I shouldn't have parked there, I needed a new paint job anyway, I shouldn't be so materialistic.... In my process of growing, I'm leaning towards standing your ground, calling someone out and speaking your mind. Saying No, that's not right. I won't be treated like this. It's not what people do to us, it's what we allow. Thoughts? Sorry if any of this comes across as strange, but though it's been a long, tiring day, I wanted to address your questions. Facts are just that. Only a single interpretation is possible. In your case, someone throwing acid on your car is a fact. Laughing may even be debatable, as grimacing, making the same sounds as laughing are not the same as laughing, per sé. The rest of your post is mostly composed of thoughts and feelings. Those are subjective and can lead a person to remain stuck in patterns, feeling like a victim and as though there is nothing they can do to change that. Where you say it's a potential means of being victimized, in practice it's a way to let go of being the victim and finding that you have the power to become aware of and change your perceptions and reactions, thus putting you in charge of them. As for standing your ground being part of your growing process, only you can judge that. However, in my view, it is still reactive; aimed at showing something to someone else. To me, the final step is that reactions are less and less about others and more and more about ourselves, and that is what is truly empowering. It goes for everything from the relationships we're in and how we behave in them to what we think we deserve. As people with AP attachment grow, I find they look less and less towards what they can do to get someone back or what the other person needs to do to make them happy and more at what they can do themselves to achieve a part of that for themselves. Avoidants, on the other side of the coin, move from thinking that they have to do all those things for themselves completely and shift to allowing a significant other to do part of that for them instead of holding on to the conviction that self sufficiency is the ultimate goal. I hope my scrambled brain is making a semblance of sense right now, and I'm more than happy to give it another go if I didn't manage 😆 |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2018 22:39:25 GMT
As people with AP attachment grow, I find they look less and less towards what they can do to get someone back or what the other person needs to do to make them happy and more at what they can do themselves to achieve a part of that for themselves. Avoidants, on the other side of the coin, move from thinking that they have to do all those things for themselves completely and shift to allowing a significant other to do part of that for them instead of holding on to the conviction that self sufficiency is the ultimate goal. I hope my scrambled brain is making a semblance of sense right now, and I'm more than happy to give it another go if I didn't manage 😆 You gave me an epiphany...I'm doing more inner work to become independent because the disappointing dating has made me more Avoidant!  I'll be watching out for that trap, I am going to channel that instead to recovery and going for professional mojo. Good insight! |
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