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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 7:44:03 GMT
I'm generally very secure in my friendships (unless they're very anxious, I can become DA) and it's simply because I am not attached to them. Easy as that. There's nothing at stake. People come and people go.
My insecure attachment kicks of only when I'm attached, when I don't want them to go, this is family and romantic relationships.
I have no experience with another FA, but I've been involved with DA. I personally believe it can work only if both parties are aware and willing to work on it. For sure one person will have to be 'the smarter' one at the beginning.
I've done a lot of work (only for him) to fight my triggers, to become secure with him and I do believe it could work between us, but it still takes two people. Where there's a will there's a way.
I don't think he has a will, so despite all the work it pushes me away.
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Post by yasmin on Apr 21, 2018 11:49:01 GMT
I'm the same. My attachments are
- Friend: Secure.
- Father: DA
- Mother: DA.
- Partner: FA
- General: FA
So for whatever reason I am avoidantly attached to both parents, securely attached to all my friends, and fearful avoidant in relationships in general.
I think, to be honest, relationships with partners most closely mirror those of our parents.
We're dependent on our partners
They have power to hurt us
Friends just don't come with those kinds of demands. I am working right now with my therapist on trying to approach romantic relationships with the same level of security that I approach friendships, but it's proving extermely difficult. I'm largely extremely avoidant in new relationships and once I feel any sort of attachment this can vascilate between AP and DA on an almost daily basis.
None of that is fine, so I avoid relationships entirely.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 27, 2018 15:14:26 GMT
I am AP hopefully trending to secure. I am secure with secure friends, AP with DA friends and DA with AP friends. 🤔 Partner wise I tend to be AP...because I tend to date DA or FA men (although, my last relationship I tested 50% secure, 50% AP). I never tested with my parents...but I am likely AP with my mom and DA with my dad.
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 28, 2018 17:41:25 GMT
I'm the same. My attachments are - Friend: Secure. - Father: DA - Mother: DA. - Partner: FA - General: FA So for whatever reason I am avoidantly attached to both parents, securely attached to all my friends, and fearful avoidant in relationships in general. I think, to be honest, relationships with partners most closely mirror those of our parents. We're dependent on our partners They have power to hurt us Friends just don't come with those kinds of demands. I am working right now with my therapist on trying to approach romantic relationships with the same level of security that I approach friendships, but it's proving extermely difficult. I'm largely extremely avoidant in new relationships and once I feel any sort of attachment this can vascilate between AP and DA on an almost daily basis. None of that is fine, so I avoid relationships entirely. Can you give an example or two on how you go between DA and AP? |
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Post by leavethelighton on Apr 29, 2018 0:21:33 GMT
I find the idea of vascillation interesting.
I wonder if I vascillate a bit with biological family, I have certain longings for closer relationships and to feel better liked/loved by them, but then if I'm feeling it isn't reciprocated, I can also shut down and engage in distancing behavior (taking awhile to respond to texts or phone calls, not reaching out, telling myself I won't be real with them again, focusing on the evidence that they don't like me instead of the evidence they do, not communicating, etc.) Is that more AP, DA or both?
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Post by yasmin on May 2, 2018 10:06:26 GMT
I'm the same. My attachments are - Friend: Secure. - Father: DA - Mother: DA. - Partner: FA - General: FA So for whatever reason I am avoidantly attached to both parents, securely attached to all my friends, and fearful avoidant in relationships in general. I think, to be honest, relationships with partners most closely mirror those of our parents. We're dependent on our partners They have power to hurt us Friends just don't come with those kinds of demands. I am working right now with my therapist on trying to approach romantic relationships with the same level of security that I approach friendships, but it's proving extermely difficult. I'm largely extremely avoidant in new relationships and once I feel any sort of attachment this can vascilate between AP and DA on an almost daily basis. None of that is fine, so I avoid relationships entirely. Can you give an example or two on how you go between DA and AP? Its quite hard to explain!! It's literally like a switch flicking back and forth. One minute you feel needy and afraid and the next minute you want to get away and escape |
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Post by tnr9 on May 2, 2018 11:21:45 GMT
Can you give an example or two on how you go between DA and AP? Its quite hard to explain!! It's literally like a switch flicking back and forth. One minute you feel needy and afraid and the next minute you want to get away and escape Yasmin...would you say that the switching occurs due to something within you...as in, you become too hopeful and there is a fear of that so you then become distant? Or is it triggered more by your partner? |
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Post by yasmin on May 2, 2018 18:03:01 GMT
Its quite hard to explain!! It's literally like a switch flicking back and forth. One minute you feel needy and afraid and the next minute you want to get away and escape Yasmin...would you say that the switching occurs due to something within you...as in, you become too hopeful and there is a fear of that so you then become distant? Or is it triggered more by your partner? It's definitely triggered by the other person. My natural state is not to want / need a relationship and it's quite peaceful. Add other people into the mix and depending on their behaviors I can become triggered VERY quickly in either direction. |
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